Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Thoughtful Wednesday : complaining

     Today I am going to write about complaining.  I have been thinking a lot the last few days about what I wanted today's thoughtful post to be about ... and the one thing lately that I have had on my mind is grumbling, complaining...and just not being a thankful, grateful, woman.

     We all do it.  We don't even think about what we are really saying.  I have really noticed it a lot lately.  I sometimes feel like some people wouldn't have anything to say if they were to give up complaining.  I used to be one of those people.  And then, my babies died.  Now-a-days, every time I tell someone about Rowan & Levi, I lose a little of that old self...the one who complained about every tiny, little, annoyance. My boys have taught me so much about myself.
     Lately, when I think about something that is annoying me, or bothering me in some way, and I tell myself that nothing is as bad as burying my sweet boys.  Then I can move on.  It works every time, and is really teaching me to choose my words (and thoughts) carefully.  For instance, if traffic is all backed up and I feel myself getting upset, I just say hey's not worse than saying good-bye to Levi... and then I turn up the radio and sing along instead of fuming over something that I can't change.  It's little things like that, and I hope that by stepping back and being real with myself in the little things then I can be real and ready to handle the bigger things.

     Here is another example (from today).  I was at Shoe Station looking for some shoes for my new job, and I went down one aisle in which a woman in her early 50's was very loudly complaining to her mother (mid-70's) about a shoe not fitting one of her feet.  The statement that really got to me was, "I don't 8 should be an 8 no matter the brand."  The mother just sat there, silently.  What could she say.  I mean it was almost humorous to me....  The woman was so loudly complaining and the mother not saying a word, because there was nothing to say....the mother couldn't do anything to remedy the situation.  I walked to another aisle, but ended up on the same aisle with them again later, and the daughter was still loudly complaining to her mother, but this time about her mother being slow...  I had to leave the store.  I just don't ever want to be that woman.  

***My Levi died on June 29, 2010 - 12 weeks ago today.  Rest well my tiny angel boy.  Momma loves you more than ever.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Ten on Tuesday


This bloggy link-up idea comes from Steph at A Grande Life.  Visit her, show some lovin', and do your ten on tuesday list also....  Let's get this party started.

1.   I started a new job yesterday.  I'll be doing some legal stuff at an insurance company here in town.  I'm excited, it's small, it's VERY part-time and the people are super-nice.

2.  This Saturday I'll have a booth at the Bayview Center's Flea Market!  It's so much fun and hopefully I'll make some good dough.  I need some new shoes for fall!!

3.  Today (09-28) is 12 weeks since my Levi was born.  3 months -- gone by so quickly.  I would be 32 weeks preggo if he was still with us.  I miss him so very much.

4.  I sang with a friend's band over the weekend at a little restaurant in Milton.  Had a BLAST!  I hope they will invite me again soon.

5.  If you haven't played around on Face in Hole, you are seriously missing out.  And, now you can upload pics from FB, but not just your FB, ALL your friend's FB accounts too!!  It's a hoot.

6.  I am seriously loving my Mary Kay make-up!  The skin care line makes my face soft and smooth, and the make-up really makes me look younger & healthier.  I cannot say enough GREAT things about it.  Check out my BFF's MK page to get yourself hooked up with some beauty awesomeness today!

7.  I'm reading three books right now.  (1) Ruthless Trust (2) We Need To Talk About Kevin and (3) Brave Hearts.

8.  I'm a notary, and I've been asked by friends of my hubby to perform a marriage ceremony.  Isn't that crazy. I mean, there will be someone there doing the ceremony, but they will need me to make it official!  It's totally crazy, right?!

9. If you haven't already, you need to go to youtube and search for sponjetta. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

10.  My spotlight blog this week is Kristin's story at Never Better.  Please take some time to get to know this amazing momma, and woman of God.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Eight is Enough

I was tagged in this fun little bloggy question & answer game by Carol the Gardener. So, basically, you answer the 8 questions given to you and then tag 8 bloggy friends with your 8 questions for them!  Easy and fun!

Now for my eight questions...
1.  Is there any one thing in life you still long to do?

I desperately long to be a momma to living children.
2.  What makes you sad? 

Both of my sons died within 10 months of each other.  It is terribly disheartening to know that I'll never hold them again, this side of Heaven.  It also makes me sad to know there are children out there (all over the world) so unwanted, and unloved -- and I would give anything to be their momma too.
3.  When you think back over your life so far...what is the one perfect day that stands out in your mind? 

I think the day I met my husband was pretty much spectacular.  We met on eHarmony and by the end of that week had our first date.  It was super.  We ate at our fave Mexican restaurant and then went downtown to see Christmas lights, but everything was closing up -- so we headed to the beach to walk the boardwalk. It was the coldest night of the year (29 degrees) and he had packed blankets, so we sat in front of 'the big shell' and talked for about 7 hours, snuggled under blankets and laughing and freezing our booties off!!  It was amazing.  3 days later he declared his love for me and we were married in less than 6 months!

4.  Who is your favorite person to be with? 

I love being with my honey, Matt, of course.  But probably Donna.  She is just so much like me, and we have such a super time when we hang.  We have the same interests, same hobbies...we are BFFs!

5.  Do you keep or tell secrets? 

I am the keeper of many secrets.
6.  What kind of music do you listen to the most? 

I love to rock out to contemporary christian music, but sometimes I just need a little rap infusion in my life!
7.  Eggs and bacon or French toast and waffles? 

WAFFLES!!!  But, just waffles.  Belgian to be exact.
8.  If you had one idea to share with the world what would it be? 

Hmmm...  Well that's a tough one isn't it?  I guess I'd probably share some idea about saving money, and/or getting something great for next to nothing.  It's my goal in life, and something that I love to do -- save a ton of money and get great things.  For instance, we painted our entire house (8 rooms) for $65 when we moved in (2007) with 'oops' paint from various stores.  BRILLIANT!!  I have loads of ideas on how to save big!

Now to pass this on to eight lucky blog friends.  If you don't have time to play or rather not...completely understand but you can keep your answers short and don't stress it's all for fun and getting to know one another.  have a great weekend.

Okay, so here are my 8 questions:

1.  What is your all time favorite book?
2.  If you had one "do over" what would it be, and would you really take the chance?
3.  Complete this phrase, "When life hands you lemons...."
4.  What is the best piece of advice anyone has ever given you?
5.  What is your favorite holiday & why?
6.  What was your childhood nickname?
7.  Do you thrift?  If so, what is your favorite thrifty shoppe??
8.  What five words best describe you?

 and here are the selected 8 to answer all the questions!!

1.  Rochelle @ For All The Things We Hope For
2.  Desiree @ Journey to Motherhood
3.  Alex @ My Life, My Glory
4.  Nicole @ It's All Random
5.  Sarah @ Creative Home
6.  Ms. Baby Plan
7.  Becca @ Brighthaven Times
8.  Kelly @ The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Thoughtful Wednesday :

Time for my Wednesday blog link-up.  This one comes from MsBabyPlan at The Baby Plan.  Here is a link to her post explaining her rules - Original Post.

Today what I am thinking about is my children.  I hear people complain about their kids all the time, I mean it's like I can't go anywhere without hearing mothers snipping at toddlers, or yanking kids around...  I think I'm probably hyper-sensitive to it because of my lack of living children.  I wonder if I'd be that way with my kids.  I like to think that because of our profound loss that I'll be a better momma when my time comes.  I'd really like to believe that my time is coming.

I don't mean to judge those parents who complain about how little they get to sleep, how terrible potty training is going, or how inconsiderate their kids are...but part of me wants to grab them by the larynx, show them pictures of my babies headstones...and scream, "DON'T YOU SEE...YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN A MOST AMAZING PRIZE...CHERISH EVERY SECOND, EVERY SCREAM OF FRUSTRATION, EVERY SLEEPLESS NIGHT...EVERY I LOVE YOU, EVERY TOUCH." 

This week has been so emotional for me.  I am exhausted as we have been going non-stop with revival at church this week.  My hubs is on staff at our church, so we are there a lot and with revival we are there even more.  It has been so good, and I have much to share...but it's also been stirring up a lot in me that I've been neglecting.

Right now, without thinking about it too hard I can list 7 girls that are pregnant with #2, 3 or even 4...  It is a happy time, and they are my friends, and I want to be excited for them.  I want to share in the joy of a new baby, because I truly love babies, and children in general.  But, I cannot seem to get there mentally.  My heart aches for my Levi.  I should be so big and round, with him rolling around inside...but instead I make calls to the cemetery about his crooked headstone, or plan what flowers to put out next time I'm at the gravesite, or make arrangements to place flowers on the alter in his memory.

I want to be stronger.  I want to be more than a mother to two dead babies.  I want to rise up, victorious, and proclaim that God is still good and that I am blessed indeed.  I want that to be my spirit's cry... But I am so weak, and in my weakness I doubt Him.  In my weakness I question what is right and what is just, and what is from God as opposed to what is allowed by God.  I have so many questions, so much that I am so unsure of...  What is it that I need to learn that one dead child didn't teach me, and now I have two...and I still have no idea!?!?  

I ache with a depth that cannot be put into words.  And words are not big enough to convey the emptiness of my womb.  As I stumble through the stages of grief I am astounded by how deep the pain is rooted.  I can still smell Levi, and feel the weight of him in my hands.  I can remember every trace of his face when I close my eyes, of course I see him every time I look at Matt.  I remember his warm little body, that tiny hand grasping my finger and his sweet little mouth greedily gulping down a few breaths.  He was a warrior boy, a tiny hero.  I miss my son so much.    

Isaiah 60:20-22
Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end.  Then will all your people be righteous and they will possess the land forever.  They are the shoot I have planted, the work of my hands, for the display of my splendor.  The least of you will become a thousand, the smallest a mighty nation.  I am the LORD; in its time I will do this swiftly."

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Ten on Tuesday

This bloggy link-up idea comes from Steph at A Grande Life.  Visit her, show some lovin', and do your ten on tuesday list also....  Let's get this party started.

1.   This past weekend was five & dime Saturday at one of my fave antique shoppes.  I just love digging around in old shoppes for a great deal!  Can't wait for the ladies night scavenger hunt next month!!

2.  Last week I was super busy revving up my craigslist stuff.  I spent Tuesday and Wednesday in Tallahassee, and Thursday in Mobile. I think I got some things that should bring in some good cash.  It's nice to make grocery money and pad our savings with moolah from sources outside of our regular budget (and without having to sit in an office)!

3.  I was fired last month on the 19th.  2 days after the one year angelversary of my Rowan, and just 7.5 weeks after Levi died in my arms.  I was enraged at the way things happened, and the fact that I was 'let go' at all.  I have never been fired before and it really hurt my feelings.  Sometimes people are a-holes, and they will let you down.  I was told that my 'situation' was bigger than the firm was able to handle, and I wasn't 'rehabbing' fast enough for them.  See, total jerks!  Worst of all, I was fired by some 19 year old girl who probably doesn't have ANY life experiences, let alone does she know the weight of holding your child as he slowly dies in your arms....and then she referred to MY SON as a 'situation' and NEVER once said baby, or child, or SON, or we're so sorry....I wanted to puke on her.  Ugh...

Okay, now that I'm past that.....

4.  Glee starts back up tonight.  I enjoy the singing, dancing, drama/comedy, but mostly I cannot get enough of the snarky, uber fabu, Jane Lynch.  I mean, right?!?
5.  The Office starts on Thursday, at least I think.  And, I've heard this will be Steve Carrell's last season.  He is so funny, probably my favorite guy on t.v./movies right now (with Will Ferrell and Zach Galafiankis coming in a close 2nd).  
6.  I have a hard time hearing these days.  I think it is because I keep the volume on my iPod turned up waaaay too loud.  But, isn't music so much better when it's really loud?!  I just hope this doesn't affect me in the long run!  ...  o_0

7.  I have recently been jamming out to Hayley Williams (Paramore).  What a fun, funky, little gal.  

8. It is hard to come up with 10 random thoughts.  I mean, I have a million thoughts in my mind at this moment, but I wonder if any of them will benefit anyone, or benefit me?!

9.  I started a work-out yesterday on Netflix.  It was a dancing/aerobics thing...I'm pretty sure it was totally ridiculous to see me busting a sweaty move!  We can watch through the Wii on our t.v., so it's pretty neat.  I have zero coordination, so it's better for me to do aerobics at home - where no one can laugh at me except the dog!

10.  Okay, so I'm going to try and reserve my #10 spot for a new blog that I have come across and then share it with anyone who reads here.  So, if you want to be on this list you have to follow along so I can find your blog.  This week though is the blog of Stephanie (mommy of Aurora Rose).  It is really important to me that babyloss momma's tell their stories to the world.  You can read Aurora's story here on the Faces of Loss site. 

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Sweetheart Saturday

Okay, so I've been reading and getting to know Alex (via web of course), over at My Life, My Glory. She has a weekly posting, link-up, called Sweetheart Saturday. You can read all the rules, etc., here...but basically you just write a love note to your sweetheart, and then share it with them. Easy!!

Love of my life,

  I always tell you how much I love you (when I leave you little notes), and I always say there is no way for me to put into writing the depth or width of my love...  And it's true.  I do not possess the vocabulary, or writing abilities to convey to you the entirety of my love.

  I feel like maybe I wasn't fully alive until you loved me.  That is so cheese ball to say, but it's true.  Like parts of my heart, and maybe my soul, were not being fully utilized until you came along.

  Basically, I'm head over heels for you.

  You are the love of my life.

Friday, September 17, 2010

My First EVER Blog Award!

A HUGE thank you to Nicole from It's All Random for paying it forward and awarding my blog the "One Lovely Blog" badge.  I am really super-excited.

I have never been given a blog award, and I love seeing them on other people's pages.  I love that Nicole thought of my blog when listing her 10 pay it forwards!

The rules according to Nicole's page are as follows:

1.  accept the award.  post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2.  pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.

3.  contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

Here is the adorable award!!!

And here are my ten pay it forwards
(don't be offended if you aren't listed here - 
there are so many and I had to choose the 10 newest)

Visit these women and get to know some amazing people. 

Jumpstart Week Day 5

Today is the last day of Jumpstart week!!  I have been blogging along with the SITS gals.

They posted a neat idea last Friday (09/10), and you can read about it hereAnyhow, so here is this week's last bloggy idea:   

Friday, September 17
As your last assignment to jump start your return to blogging, write about what blogging means to you. Why do you blog? 
What purpose does it serve you and how have you benefited from sharing a piece of yourself online this way?

I blog because I refuse to keep silent about the death of my children.  I believe that women have gone for far too long thinking that talking about death is a taboo.  I think for far too long we have overlooked grieving families, and asked them to 'move on, or move aside.'  I have been guilty of this myself, and that is perhaps why I feel so passionately about it now.  I firmly believe that if I don't write about death, and baby loss, and grief, and all the millions of emotions that come when a baby dies - maybe no one will write.  What if I am the only one who writes about it.  I mean, clearly I'm not, but what if we all had the mindset that said, "I don't need to do it...someone else will." ??  Well, clearly, nothing would ever be written, or invented, or done.  

I also blog as a means of coping with my grief.  I am a mother of two precious boys, Rowan and Levi. 

My children did not get to stay with me and their daddy, as they reside with Jesus.  I miss them so much.  I think of my boys every moment, of everyday.  I miss them in a way that cannot be put into words.  Think of someone you miss, and then multiply that feeling by infinity....then you will have one-tenth of the idea of what it feels like to bury your children.  I was pregnant twice in the last year.  I gave birth twice in a 10 month period.  I chose a funeral home twice in the last 11 months, and picked out grave markers twice too.  I held a tiny box with my son inside, twice, in the last year.  I cried a million, billion, tears - every night for months and months.  

I write because women need to know that (1) they are not alone, (2) there is a hope for momma's of angels, (3) no matter what you feel or think - you are not crazy and (4) there are women who have walked this path numerous times, for a long-long time - let them reach out to you.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Faces of Loss Monthly Topic: September, Changes

I have been mingling with the BLMs from Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope for a few months.  I love the support system we are all helping to build.  It is my hope and dream that no woman who loses a child will ever feel alone.  I believe it is the duty of those of us who have been on this road for any length of time to reach out and say, "you are not alone, and you are not crazy for any of your feelings."

So, in an effort to be a light in the darkness for just one BLM, I write here.  I pour out my soul to help myself heal, but also to offer hope to those who are just starting out on this painful path that no one would ever choose on their own...  Okay, so this is exciting, the gals at Faces have come up with a new way for the BLM community to interact.  Each month they will post a blogging topic and we can all link up and read each others and become more connected.  You can get the specifics here, and link up your blog also.

September’s topic: 
How has the changing of seasons (from summer to fall) impacted you in your grief journey?
  Summer, a time of fun, sun, family gatherings...  A time of happiness, vacations and sun!  Summer, a hot, sticky, humid Florida summer.  What could be better.  We don't really have much of a fall here in Florida.  We mostly have two seasons, hot and cold.  And the hot far outlasts the cold.  I guess because there isn't much noticeable change outside I don't think too much about the fall, or changing seasons.  

  I have to say that I never thought of the changing seasons impacting me at all in my journey.  But, after reading the question and pondering for a while I have decided that I will welcome the change as a new phase in my grief.  Both of my boys died in the summer.  Rowan went to Heaven on August 17, 2009.  Levi Matthew was born on June 28th and died on June 29, 2010.  

Both boys were conceived in the spring, and both due in the winter months.  Maybe fall can be considered a reprieve for me, emotionally.  Not to much is tied to the fall, no dates to obsess over and get anxious about.   I think I'll be more heavily burdened by the change from fall to full-blown winter.  My Levi was due on November 25th and Rowan was due on February 25th.  The cold, harsh, winter may prove more difficult for me.

  Tomorrow, the 17th, will mark 13 months that Rowan has been gone, and at the end of this month my Levi will have been gone for 3 months.  It feels like yesterday that I was holding his tiny hands.  I somehow feel that the changing seasons will force us to look at ourselves again, and reassess where we are and make some choices about where we would like to go.  Everything I do is for, and because of, my matter the day, no matter the season.  

Jumpstart Week Day 4

This week I'm going to be blogging along with the SITS gals.

They posted a neat idea last Friday, and you can read about it here.  They are also going to be giving someone a really rad washer/dryer combo thingy, so maybe you want to blog along too.  (just read all the rules)

Anyhow, so here is today's bloggy idea:    
Thursday, September 16
Write a new post about a woman who inspires you. 

  I am greatly inspired by women who overcome, and live to tell about it.  I am greatly inspired by someone that most of you bloggers have read (or heard) about.  Her story touches my heart everytime, and though we have a different set of beliefs, I think she is an incredible woman.

  Her name is Stephanie Nielson.  You can watch a short video about her story here .  Although she and I have actually nothing in common (now that I think about it), her attitude about the loss she has suffered has greatly impacted me.  I long to be more than my loss, and everyday I hope I am closer to that goal.  I want to remember my boys, and tell the world about them...and shout their names from the mountain top, but I also want to be better because of mothering them.  I want the deaths of my children to have a profound impact on the world, because it has had a profound impact on me.  But, what I have learned from Stephanie is that I have to be an overcomer, and rise up...and then I can make the difference that I want to see.  

visit her blog & be inspired too!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Thoughtful Wednesday: AF

Okay, so What I Wore Wednesday was really stressing me out, so this week I'm trying a new Wednesday blog link-up.  This one comes from MsBabyPlan at The Baby Plan.  Here is a link to her post explaining her rules - Original Post.

 So, here is my first Thoughtful Wednesday Post:

  If you are reading, I shouldn't have to warn you, but I will....this post is about my period.
  You see, if you have been reading, my son died a little over 11 weeks ago.  I have two children, and they both live in Heaven.  After Rowan (my first son) died last August I didn't have a period for 4 months, and then Matt and I were not ready to try and then we started TTC in February, and were pregnant in March...because the Lord is so truly awesome.

  Now, Levi was born on June 28th and died on the 29th.  So, it's been 11 weeks (Monday the 13th).  I was shocked when AF got here on Saturday (11th) to say the least.  I was expecting 5-6 months with no signs of my fertility returning (if at all).  I cried a lot when I saw that I started bleeding on Saturday.  Tears of joy. 

  I don't know if we are ready to TTC yet, but I feel like a woman again, and I do hope to be pregnant again. 

Jumpstart Week Day 3

This week I'm going to be blogging along with the SITS gals.

They posted a neat idea last Friday, and you can read about it here.  They are also going to be giving someone a really rad washer/dryer combo thingy, so maybe you want to blog along too.  (just read all the rules).

Wednesday, September 15
Re-upload a post with a title that you are particularly proud of 
and explain why.

Perhaps I'm more proud of the actual message in the blog, than the title, but I think it's worth sharing again.  I wrote this entry shortly after Rowan died.   I had seen so many book titles, and blogs with 'silent', 'alone', 'unspoken' in the title and I was over it already.  I strongly believe that BLMs should tell their stories and mention their or dead.  I don't think it should be a secret when a baby dies.  It happened, it burns and aches, and I am going to talk about it.  *stepping down from soap box*

Here is the post from August 31, 2009:

Don't ask me how I'm doing!

This is just a warning for any of my real friends reading this. And, by all means ask, but only if you feel strong enough for the truth.

And the truth is, I’m awful. I don't know if I could be feeling anything other than awful. It has been two weeks...just today... And, I have the rest of my life to process the loss of our sweet Rowan.

Of course, I don't sit around all day thinking about slitting my wrists or in a pool of my own tears...although sometimes I do, the tears part that is... Mostly at night, in those moments after I've prayed, and kissed Mattie good night... I can hear him breathing deeply beside me...and I know how much we are both aching...and I lose it over and over again...

But, a lot of the time, if you were to spy on our little home, you’d see a madly in love couple, learning to go about their daily lives. We cook, we eat, we play with Falcor, we listen to music that speaks words we cannot seem to find...and we just love each other...

But, there is just no way I can put on a happy face, or keep up appearances for everyone. And, I've decided that if you are brave enough to ask me how I am, I’m going to tell the truth. The problem with this, is that when I tell a lot of people how I am, they run ...and they run fast. It feels as if people are just waiting for me to feel “better” or "okay" so they don’t feel so uncomfortable speaking to me. Well, I'm not fact this is the complete opposite of comfortable for me...but I don't have the strength, nor do I feel it's my job, to make sure everyone around me/us is comfortable.

Speaking to me, being around me, is not hard. What I am living right now, that is birth to my baby, when he was already gone from this world...that was hard... Yeah, and I have to live with this the rest of my life. You want to know how I am...I haven't slept in days... Every time I close my eyes I see the image of my sweet Rowan, in my hands, my hands....

I don't mean this to sound any way other than what I've stated. If I make you uncomfortable, please avoid me for now... But, for those of you who love me...who know me... I will not pretend that life is back to normal, or even okay. I am so far from that marker...and I have no idea when I'll get there...

God has been so good to us. Giving us family and friends who love us, and who love our sweet angel baby. We pray for His continued guidance and mercy in these days, weeks, years... He is all that is keeping us going...He alone will bring us peace. Please continue to pray with us, and for us... We do need you all...and we love you.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh... My heart was burdened...and in this place I can say whatever I want...

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Jumpstart Week Day 2

This week I'm going to be blogging along with the SITS gals.

They posted a neat idea last Friday, and you can read about it here.  They are also going to be giving someone a really rad washer/dryer combo thingy, so maybe you want to blog along too.  (just read all the rules)

Anyhow, so here is today's bloggy idea:   

Tuesday, September 14
Re-upload a post you wish more people had read 
and explain why it was important to you.

So, here is a post from the waaaay back that I read everytime I start feeling self pitying.  It brings me back to reality quickly, and reminds me who I am and where I am going.  Of course, I believe myself to be a COMPLETELY different person than the girl who wrote this post nearly 2 years ago. 
"They gave so much to be so little, but Angels always do..." 

Of course, I'd really like everyone to read about my sweet babies and the life they have given us.  To read about Rowan or Levi just click their names.  These sweet boys taught me more about life, death, love, motherhood and EVERYTHING in their small time with us...than I could have learned in my lifetime.

I know the prompt was for one post, but there are so many I'd like to share.  This one features a video made as a tribute for my boys by my new online friend Lynda.  Please take a look if you haven't already seen it, and take another look if you have!!  I watch this video everyday because I cannot look at my children enough.

"We have suffered, but we have survived;
We are hurting, but we are enduring.” 

                                        ~Ben Van Vechten  

Ten on Tuesday : Quotes

I got this idea a few weeks ago from Steph at A Grande Life.

First a couple of  rules:
1) take my button for your page, and leave a comment for me


2) Visit Steph's page, and leave her some lovin' too. 

3) sign the Linky at the bottom, leave your page and we'll all visit you too!

4) make your Ten on Tuesday list today!!  yay!!

Ten on Tuesday, Quotes Edition!!  :0)

1.  My all time favorite right now is from M.S. Merwin's poem, Separation.  It is exactly what I feel about Rowan & Levi.  All my days, hours, moments are stitched with them.   "Your absence has gone through me, like thread through a needle.  Everything I do is stitched with it's color."

2.    This old Japanese Proverb, "Fall seven times, stand up eight."

3.   I lean heavily on the promises of Jesus, more specifically this one found in Hebrews 13:5(b), "Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you."

4.  Words from the Deluge Band's song, Refuge.  I can't listen to this enough, recommend it enough...  "All along You have been so faithful, all along You have been my refuge..."

5.  From Ronald Reagan, "A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That's how awful the loss is."

6.  From Oswald Chambers, "It is impossible to weary the love of God."

7.  From the Watermark song, Glory Baby, "I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies, and what they must sound like.  But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home. And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…"

Now for some a little more light-hearted:

8.  Who doesn't just love Barney Fife & Andy Griffith?  Barney Fife: [angry] Oh, you're just full of fun today, aren't you? Why don't we go up to the old people's home and wax the steps?

9.  This one is silly, but I just adore the T.V. show, The Office.  And, of course, Steve Carrell is just so adorable and hilarious.  So, my all time favorite Michael Scott (his character) quote is this, "I'm an early bird and a night owl. So I'm wise and I have worms."

10.  And, this one is also silly, because I really like another show on T.V., Glee.  And Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch) is just too much.  "Sue: You know, for me trophies are like herpes. You can try to get rid of them but they just keep coming. Sue Sylvester has hourly flair ups of burning itchy highly contagious talent."

Monday, September 13, 2010

URGENT request for prayer for a friend

Hi Everyone,

  I received this message from my friend Jen a few moments ago.  I do not know the people mentioned in the message, but I know the fear and desperate-ness that comes with hearing of something being wrong with your baby.  Will you please join with me in praying for Lisa and her family, and most of all their precious unborn child. 

  Here is the message I got from Jen:


I am writing you because I know you will pray and motivate others to pray. My sister-in-law's sister is named Lisa. She is 14 weeks and was measuring large... they thought she might have twins so got an ultrasound today. Here's the note from my dear sis-in-law:
"Well, as some of you know, Lisa is pregnant...14 weeks, and was measuring big, so she had an ultrasound today. There is only one baby and there is a problem with the baby. It has gastroschisis, a condition where the intestines are outside of the body. I have not had a chance to read up on it all...I have just talked to her for awhile. It looks like it is operable right after birth and it looks like the chances of  the baby surviving the procedure are good, it is all just so hard for Lisa to take in right now. Please pray for my sister and for her little one. (we still don't know for sure what it is...but she will be having another ultrasound in a few weeks) They need to make sure the umbilical cord and the intestines are not intertwined. I will share more info as I get some. Thanks for all of your prayers for my sister."

Thank you for praying fervently my friend.

Okay, so here is some info I found on gastroschisis

Thanks everyone.  much love.  ~amanda

I read this the other night, and claimed it for my Lord we proclaim this passage over Lisa's unborn son/daughter.  Father YOU ALONE are God and YOU ALONE have plans and purposes laid out.  

Isaiah 54:11-17 (The Message)
"Afflicted city, storm-battered, unpitied:
   I'm about to rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
Lay your foundations with sapphires,
   construct your towers with rubies,
Your gates with jewels,
   and all your walls with precious stones.
All your children will have God for their teacher—
   what a mentor for your children!
You'll be built solid, grounded in righteousness,
   far from any trouble—nothing to fear!

   far from terror—it won't even come close!
If anyone attacks you,
   don't for a moment suppose that I sent them,
And if any should attack,
   nothing will come of it.
I create the blacksmith
   who fires up his forge
   and makes a weapon designed to kill.
I also create the destroyer—
   but no weapon that can hurt you has ever been forged.

Any accuser who takes you to court
   will be dismissed as a liar.
This is what God's servants can expect.
   I'll see to it that everything works out for the best."

         God's Decree.

Jumpstart Week

This week I'm going to be blogging along with the SITS gals.

They posted a neat idea last Friday, and you can read about it here.  They are also going to be giving someone a really rad washer/dryer combo thingy, so maybe you want to blog along too.  (just read all the rules)

Anyhow, so here is today's bloggy idea:  

Monday, September 13
Re-upload the first post you ever wrote on your blog.

Re-reading this post brought me to tears.  I find that I haven't moved much farther along the path.  This was written before we lost our babies, well before we were even pregnant with our first (about 8 months before our first pregnancy and 10 months before our first loss).  All I can say after re-reading is:  amen

October 5, 2008

Psalms 37:25 "I have been young, and now am old; yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread." (NKJV)

Matt and I attended a church in Flomaton, AL, this morning. He had a concert there, and I tagged along. I'm so glad that I did....isn't it encouraging to see the way God gets a message straight to our hearts (even if we aren't in our 'home' church).

Anyhow, the psalmist (and I think it was David) is thinking back on being young, and knowing he is more advanced in age...he is saying that through ALL the stuff he's lived through NEVER ONCE has he seen a 'righteous' person 'let down' by God. So, I've been really disappointed in God before, only to realize I'm disappointed in the circumstance I'm in the midst of rather than God, or I'm disappointed in the people I was counting on...rather than God. So, I'm not 'that' old, but I am almost 28 (which is, let's face it) almost 30!! Anyhow, I cannot think of one time in my 12 years as a Christian that I have been 'let down' or 'forsaken' by God.

So, as of late I have really been struggling with the fact that Matt & I don't have babies, and that for some reason I don't seem to be getting pregnant....and it's not for lack of practice :-)... I have been so wrapped up in thinking God doesn't think we are ready, and God doesn't want us to have kids, and I'm doing this wrong, or Matt's doing that wrong...and really taking on a victim mentality (ugh, totally not like me). And then today happened...and this verse was shown to me in a new light.

...I have not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread...

I know in my soul that Christ has called me to raise up a handful of kingdom heirs...and I know in my soul that they will be born of my womb....and I know in my soul that my God does not disappoint...and I know in my soul that all the good in my life has been well worth the wait...and I know in my soul that I am sad to be so late in getting started having babies, and I am sad that I want something so badly that I've made myself crazy, and my husband a little crazier... But, I know in my soul that I will not be forsaken. I know He loves me, and dotes on me, and longs to give me the desires of my heart...but I also know in my soul that He sees so much more of a situation than I ever will.

I also take courage and hope in the last portion of this verse, 'nor his seed begging bread.' For I know that as much as I love and pray and hope for my unborn babies the Lord has an even bigger heart for them. He adores them and has them taken care of already! What a brilliant thought, and such an amazing place to lay your trust!

So, I will wait....impatiently at first, and over time I will learn to settle down. My heart is weary, and it's time to try something else... I think I'll start believing, with a renewed heart, in the God who brought me salvation, freedom, redemption, eternity, love and strength.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Sweetheart Saturday

Okay, so I've been reading and getting to know Alex (via web of course), over at My Life, My Glory. She has a weekly posting, link-up, called Sweetheart Saturday. You can read all the rules, etc., here...but basically you just write a love note to your sweetheart, and then share it with them. Easy!!

To my love,

Honey bunches you are a good husband to me.  You have been so tough and strong for our family.  You are my hero.  You have been more than I ever dreamed a husband to be, and for that I am so thankful.  God truly knew best when He put us together.  Our life has held so much sadness and many trials, but you have been so amazing through all of that "stuff."  You give me hope for the future, our future.  I love you so much Mattie.  You were a terrific father, are a terrific daddy, to our boys while they were with us.  Thank you.  I love you.  You're my best friend. 

xoxoxoxo XXXXXX oo 


30-day blog journal - Day 30

DAY 30!!!!!  I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyhow, here is my final blog journal entry:

Day 30 - a dream for the future

Do I even need to tell you?  I am certain you all know my dreams/hopes for the future are babies.  A baby to keep here on earth and love for the rest of my days.  A baby to adore and hug and squeeze for more than an hour....

This blog journal has been a lot of fun.  I say 'just do it' if you haven't already.  30 days of blogging is tough at times, but I learned some neat things, and met some great folks!!  Thanks for reading!!

Friday, September 10, 2010

30-day blog journal - Day 29

I am excited that this is day 29.  I've blogged for 28 days straight and today will be #29.    I wish there had been more posts about inside things.   You know, the ones in your heart.  But, I have enjoyed this 'experiment'.

So, onward,  Day 29 - hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days

This is a big loaded question for me.  I used to be a planner.  I mean, down to the hour, the minute sometimes.  I planned to be a famous singer, and then I planned to be a busy career woman, and then I planned to be married young with a large house full of children.

I am not a famous singer, but I do passionately sing for Jesus whenever I'm given the chance.

I was a busy career woman, and I made some great friends - but I'm not sure that is what I was crafted for...

I did not marry young, well, not young in my mind.  I was 26 when I got hitched!  Having said congrats to most of my girlfriends a year or two earlier.

And I do not have a large house full of children.  I have instead, a large heart filled with two angel boys who didn't get to stay here.

A hope for the next year -- I hope that I know who I am and what I am "about."  I hope that my husband and I can be closer in a year than we are today, and that in a year we will be more trusting of each other.  I hope that in a year I'll be so wrapped up in Jesus that I won't recognize the old me anymore.

A dream for the next year --  I dream of children.  I sometimes hesitate to say it, write it, whatever...  I don't want to seem so consumed by the want for children.  But the fact is, I am.  Being a mother - that is what I am here for, and I know it deep (way down) in my soul.  Every part of me aches for the babies I will never again hold on this earth, and every part of me cries out for more.  I dream of my children, the ones we don't yet know and the ones who just might not look like us at all.

A plan for the next year -- I don't make plans anymore.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

30-day blog journal - Day 28

Day 28 - whats in my handbag/purse

Kleenex Tissues (you never know when a breakdown will hit you!)
Burt's Bees Tinted Lip Gloss
Flat, sparkly gold, wallet
A handful of ink pens (I'm sort of addicted to 'accidently' stealing these from everywhere)
Lots of change for thrift shopping
My coupon sorter/grocery list pad
point & shoot camera (what if something amazing happens - a girl has to be prepared)
iPod (no radio in my car - so I have to keep it with me at all times)
cell phone

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

30-day blog journal - Day 27

Day 27 - my worst habit
I have to say that I have several bad habits, however, the worst is probably my nervous worrying.  I get crazy, like I start asking a million questions (my poor husband), and I start getting really worried.  I can't stop it sometimes.  I will realize it in the middle of a downward spiral and try to break out...but then sometimes I can't pull myself out.

Don't worry - yes I see a counselor!  It started many years ago, but after our children died I have been getting worse.  Now I talk to someone professional about it, and I feel better.  I have started to write down when it starts happening, and it makes it easier for me to see that I am being totally irrational.

I also stare at this bible verse, and try to make it part of me:

2 Timothy 1:7
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

What I wore Wednesday

So I found a really, super-neat, Wednesday link-up to try out.
It's easy because all I have to do is get dressed and take a picture of what I wear!!

I found it here at Jenny's blog, and the idea came from lindsey cheney at 

So, I totally get that it's supposed to be what I wore all week up until Wednesday...buuuut  I haven't really gotten in the habit of photographing myself yet.  Most days I would be in bed and think 'crap, what about my post for Weds.'  So, unfortunately all I have is what I'm actually wearing today - which is technically what I wore for a few hours on Monday also.  HA!

 Yep, that's me, standing on a footstool to get the 'full body shot.'

top - Cato's $4
Jeans - Amanda Jeans by Gloria Vanderbilt (best jeans EVER) from Kohls $20
shoes - Nicole brand gladiator sandals from Ross $9.99
watch - Carnival Cruise Line $10 store
Necklace - The Vintage Pearl (here is a close up of my necklace)

in loving memory of our sons, Rowan & Levi.  Forever with us in our hearts.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

30-day blog journal - Day 26

Day 26, how crazy.  I've almost blogged 30 days straight.  I am astounded.   I used to go a week or so between posts...but I've really enjoyed this little "project."   So, let's get on with it...

Day 26 - your week, in great detail

Well, since today is a Tuesday, I've decided I'd just do the last 7 days.

wake up and snuggle with Mattie
see my honey off to work and then take a million pics of my new items for sale
Post newest acquired items to craigslist
meet up with 4 folks and make $53  (big smile)
listen to song I need to learn for Sunday (about 30 times)
listen to other songs that make me feel better  - check out this song - OMG - crying my eyes out
make a list of meals for the next two weeks, and grocery list for next Monday
head out to church
pray to Jesus & read His word
practice with the band and sing amazing songs
surf on the internet until my eyes won't stay open any more

up early to see Dr. P at 9 a.m.

re-list old items on craigslist
blah - some cleaning & various chores!
lunch with my honey bunny
meeting with  Counselor at 1 p.m. for wellness, sanity and grief
hang out at church for a bit - chatting and what not
spend some time in The Word and writing about missing my boys
snuggle up with Mattie to watch some Treasure Quest
update blog, twitter, etc.
sweet sleep!

up and ready to go, Mattie is off today!
re-list old craigslist items
meet up with 2 ladies to sell CL items
ran into Donna @ a garage sale - spent a few hours thrifting it up
practice song for Sunday w/ Matt

call mamaw to wish her happy birthday
Meet up with people to sell craigslist stuff (this goes on throughout the day EVERY day)
dinner & movie with Mattie
spend some time with Jesus, and thinking about my sweet babes.
Read a few pages of "The Land in Between"
sleepy time

wake up at the butt crack of dawn and head to Chik-fil-a to meet Donna, Jim & Lauren for garage sale day!!

garage sale all the live long day
laid back day with good friends

back home with my hubs
surfing the net & working on my CL stuff
watched a movie with Matt, Everybody's Fine
pray, read and then sweet sleep

wake up early to see Mattie off to church (he is on staff in the music dept so he has to be there super-early)

head to church to worship THE King
chat and laugh with people who love Jesus and me!!
lunch with the fam
Sunday crafty time...  I made some cute Thanksgiving platters & a cake stand
re-listing stuff on CL - Sundays usually make good days for this!  wink*

wake up late b/c Mattie is off today
re-list craigslist items, check emails, blog
meet some dude at the doughnut shop and make a quick $7! HA
take pics of stuff for Nicole to put online
get ready for the family BBQ at Dave & Donna's
hang out with family and friends
back home to check email and then snuggle with Matt

Tuesday -- TODAY
woke up feeling stuffy and waaaay more tired than I should have been
do some laundry, sweep, vacuum, clean 2 bathrooms, wash dishes
post on craigslist for Nicole
post my stuff to CL
lunch with Mattie
meeting with counselor
coupon clipping for grocery shopping next Monday
pay the bills
watched a movie with Matt, The Joneses
typed this blog
went to sleep


Ten on Tuesday : Music

I got this idea from Steph at A Grande Life.
I started last week with a really random posting, but this week I'm focusing on music.  This is my Top Ten list of songs that I keep hitting repeat on the iPod when they play.  I don't really know the I'm going to make up my own.

And, here they are....

1) Follow me (I follow back), take my button for your page, and leave a comment for me


2) take a tour of Steph's blog and follow her if you like it.

3) sign the Linky at the bottom of this post, leave your page and we'll all visit you too!

4) make your Ten on Tuesday list today!!  yay!!

5)  So, for the ten on Tuesday it's going to be like David Letterman's Top Ten Lists...and each week I'll list the top ten of something.  Fun, right??

Now for my Ten on Tuesday: Music
1.    The Band Perry, If I Die Young
2.    Deluge Band, Refuge
3.    The Black Eyed Peas, I Gotta Feeling
4.    Estelle, American Boy
5.    Kim Walker, See His Love
6.    Cold Play, Fix You
7.    Damien Rice, Blower's Daughter
8.    Nickel Creek, The Lighthouse's Tale
9.    David Crowder Band, Oh Happiness
        and I even LOVE the more acoustic version 
10.  Selah, All My Tears

I could seriously go ON and ON....  I L.O.V.E. music and I probably hit repeat on ALL the songs on my iPod!!!  You need to listen to all of these!

 Enjoy visiting the links and leave your info below.

Monday, September 6, 2010

30-day blog journal - Day 25

Day 25 - your day, in great detail

This is a good one, I think.  It's Labor Day and I get Day 25 on this day....  Exciting!

Sleep in ...until 7:45-ish
check email, respond to messages, update blog, twitter & FB
craigslist re-list items
return calls/texts and set up a meeting for someone to purchase some goods
list nicole's stuff online
lay around with mattie
make green beans for the BBQ later
check e-mail 5,000 times hoping someone wants to buy something big off my CL ads
drive to Dave & Donna's for Labor Day BBQ
play with kids, laugh a lot, eat a lot, laugh some more
home again
crochet some hair bows

sleepy time

Now, don't you feel better knowing what I was up to all day??

Sunday, September 5, 2010


I absolutely, loathe, detest, cannot stand to hear women complain about being pregnant.  I don't care how big you get, or are, or how hot it is...  Give me a freakin' break.

30-day blog journal - Day 24

Day 24 - where I live

Oh, I live in Sunny Florida - and it's fabulous here!!  Seriously.  

Saturday, September 4, 2010

A gift

I made a new web-pal yesterday, Lynda. She lost her sweet Johnny Giovanni in March 14, 2009. She has an amazing heart, and vision. She made this video for us, and I am simply in LOVE with it. My boys are so beautiful, and it's just amazing.

So, push pause on my music on the right, turn up your speakers, grab a kleenex and watch our video. There are pictures of the boys that I have not shared before, but I cannot keep this video to myself.

Lynda - thank you dear one. This means more than I can express.

30-day blog journal - Day 23

Day 23 - a youtube video

Before you hit play, you better go use the bathroom.  Just a warning!!


For all Babyloss Momma's who read here... Please go and sign up to be a Babyloss Mom PenPal.  It will bless your heart and is just another extension of this beautiful gang of BLMs who can help share pain, and even joy.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Isaiah 65:17-25 - what glorious Hope we have

New Heavens and a New Earth

17 "Behold, I will create
new heavens and a new earth.
The former things will not be remembered,
nor will they come to mind.

18 But be glad and rejoice forever
in what I will create,
for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight
and its people a joy.

19 I will rejoice over Jerusalem
and take delight in my people;
the sound of weeping and of crying
will be heard in it no more.

"Never again will there be in it
an infant who lives but a few days,

or an old man who does not live out his years;
he who dies at a hundred
will be thought a mere youth;
he who fails to reach a hundred
will be considered accursed.

21 They will build houses and dwell in them;
they will plant vineyards and eat their fruit.

22 No longer will they build houses and others live in them,
or plant and others eat.
For as the days of a tree,
so will be the days of my people;
my chosen ones will long enjoy
the works of their hands.

23 They will not toil in vain
or bear children doomed to misfortune;

for they will be a people blessed by the LORD,

they and their descendants with them.

24 Before they call I will answer;
while they are still speaking I will hear.

25 The wolf and the lamb will feed together,
and the lion will eat straw like the ox,
but dust will be the serpent's food.
They will neither harm nor destroy
on all my holy mountain,"
says the LORD.