Normal?!?!

I 'borrowed' this from someone's blog long ago,  and never posted it...but most of these are true statements that I have thought or felt in the last 14 months...

~MY NEW "NORMAL"~

*Author Unknown*

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like they are my babies ages. And then thinking of the ages they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that my babies would have loved, but how they is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my babies.

Normal is making sure that others remember Rowan & Levi.

Normal is after the funerals are over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our losses forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it. Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or none, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that your babies are in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your children.

Normal is knowing I will never get over these losses, in a day or a million years. And last of all,

Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".