Capture Your Grief. Day 27. Express.

Day 27: EXPRESS. This is the day in month where you can say whatever it is on your heart that you would like. Find your voice. What is it that you want to express Is there anything that you want the world to know about your grief or children?

Capture Your Grief. Day 27.  Express. 
I copied this segment from another blogger almost 2 years ago...it's been sitting "saved" on my blog in an empty, title-less, blog just waiting....  It fits so perfectly with today's photo prompt.  I wish I could give credit to the writer, but I cannot find her page anymore...  Alas, here are her words, written as if from my own heart...


"But a tiny fraction of my heart is also paralyzed with fear that Monday is right around the corner and I am soon to realize everyone else has moved on from this…leaving me to continue in this desert. Its not that I fear being alone in it – its that I fear, partly, the someday I WILL move on too and somehow that will symbolize it doesn’t hurt so bad, it wasn’t as bad as I remember, etc. One day I will be a visitor to these emotions and this experience and not the resident I am currently." 

 Rowan, 08-17-09, miscarried 13w2d

 Levi Matthew, 06/28/10-06/29/10
born at 19 week gestation, passed away after 1hr 19min

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What is "Capture Your Grief"?  Read about it here.

Or, just join in the photo project by following these prompts:

Capture Your Grief. Day 13. Season.

I associate our losses with summer.  In June of 2010 our precious Levi went home to Heaven.  In July of 2011, the miraculous birth of Noah took place.  And, in August of 2009, our beloved Rowan was whisked away to Glory.

All of summer is eaten up with the grief and the miracle and the immense longing for children.

It's still a favorite time of year.  I get to remember and dote on all three babies (just as I would if they were all here).

 

This is a picture that Matt took in 2010 after Levi passed away.  We  went on a cruise to the Bahamas.  I couldn't bear to be in our home, or even our city.  We needed to be away, to be quiet.  The stillness of the ocean, the beauty of God's creation all around us.  Summer is the perfect time to remember our boys.  #mamalovesyou 

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What is "Capture Your Grief"?  Read about it here.

Or, just join in the photo project by following these prompts:

 

Capture Your Grief. Days 8, 9, 10, 11 & 12

Capture Your Grief.  Day 8.  Resource.

 

I found hope & strength through this site. Sharing my grief and learning that we were not alone in our losses. ‪#‎community‬ -though not the community I would have chosen, 

it's a community that helps & heals. ‪

Capture Your Grief. Day 9. In Memory.

 

Noah has his own little block on this necklace now too. It is probably my most prized piece of jewelry. People ask me about it when they see it & I get another chance to spread the word about my boys' lives and about the love of Jesus and the hope that comes just when you think there is absolutely none left. ‪#‎mamalovesyou‬ 

Capture Your Grief. Day 10.  Support.

 

This guy.  My ‪#‎husband‬. My friend.

My rock when it seemed impossible. A steady hand when when I could not balance out. A soft place to land when all of life was so hard.  He is ‪#‎brave‬ & courageous. Love you. Mean it.

Capture Your Grief. Day 11. Altar.

 

A place of remembrance. A place to call to mind all that The Lord has done. In our bedroom there are three shelves. One for Rowan, one for Levi Matthew, and one for Noah.  We do not forget how The Lord proved Himself merciful & gracious. We do not forget the days our lives were changed for eternity. We share our losses & our miracles to tell of His great love.

Capture Your Grief. Day 12.  Music.

 Music seems to be a universal language.  Expressing emotions and thoughts that we sometimes cannot identify by just speaking words.  Music can take you deep into the raw parts of your heart that you otherwise could not get to.  Music captures grief and joy and love so perfectly. This song, "I Will Praise You In This Storm" was on repeat for so long in our home.  I just knew that if I kept saying 'amen', just kept my hope in HIM that I would see another sunny day.  You can listen here.

"I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

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Do you have a grief story to share?  Consider practicing by following the photo prompts from Capture Your Grief (see below) and read more about the project ---> here!

 

Capture Your Grief - Days 5, 6 & 7

Okay, okay - so I can't seem to get on here everyday & blog my pics nice & neat & one at the time.  Well, here is my grouping for days 5, 6 & 7.

Capture Your Grief. Day 5. Journal.

 

 A safe place to express feelings, dreams & fears. A reference to look back & see where &

how The Lord has moved. #whathealsyourheart

Capture Your Grief. Day 6.  Books. 

Books to heal. Books offering hope. Books to make sense of mind boggling medical issues. 

Books to stir your faith. Books to teach you things. Books!!! Lovely books. #whathealsyourheart

Capture Your Grief. Day 7. Sacred Place.

 

  Our bed. We made babies here. We lost babies here. I spent months of bed rest here. I prayed here. Cried here. Wanted to die here. Waited to live from this place. Lost myself & found grace here. This is a sacred place. A place of refuge. A place of rest. #whathealsyourheart

What is Capture Your Grief?  Read more here. 

And join in the photo project by following these prompts:

Capture Your Grief - 2014. Days 2-4

We were on a camping trip w/o cell reception, so I was unable to post in a timely manner, however, here are my catch ups.  :)

Day 2.
Heart

Capture Your Grief. Day 2. Heart. #captureyourgrief #whathealsyourheart #day2 The heart can hold so much more than we think possible. More joy. More love. And, more pain. The Lord truly heals the hearts of those who seek Him. He is ever close to the brokenhearted.

Day 3.
Before

 Capture Your Grief. Day 3. Before. #captureyourgrief #whathealsyourheart Before the loss of a child. Before the ache of empty arms. Before the miraculous birth of a living babe. Before pink lines, fertility meds, bed rest, & surgeries. Before death. Before grave sites. Before empty.

Day 4.
Now

Want to join in the #healing process?  Visit here or just blog based on the prompts below:

Capture Your Grief - 2014 - Day 1

Capture Your Grief. Day 1. 
SUNRISE

Well, I missed the sunrise today.  Noah was up at 3-ish a.m. and I fe1l back asleep in his bed with him until 7 & by then the sun had already risen high & mighty over the day.  :)  I did however, snap a picture of the sun beams through my window.

How appropriate to start the Babyloss Awareness month out with a picture of the sunrise.  How unbearable the grief without the HOPE of the sun rising the next day.  And the next...and the next...  The HOPE that life does indeed keep. on. moving. forward.  Not lessening the loss of a baby (or in our case, babies), but a reminder that there is still a great work to be done.  Here. 

#captureyourgrief  #whathealsyourheart

You can follow me on instagram too, @mccleskey1813

And, if you want to know more about this series, read here.

And, here are the prompts for the whole month of October.

International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day (October 15th)

Yesterday was a tough one.  I cried many times.  I squeezed Noah so hard he said, "ow".  It was a tough one.  But it was also a sweet one.

October 15th is International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.  It's the day of the year that we ask everyone to light a candle at 7 p.m. (in their time zone).  Do you know what that does?  It means that for 24 hours there is a light burning all around the world.  :)

Our little family took part in an AMAZING ceremony last night in Navarre, put on by a local group of moms who's babies left too soon.  You can check out their Facebook page here, Wave of Light. "Like" their page so that you can be sure to join us next year if you are local.

At 7 p.m. we joined dozens of other families in lighting & releasing Chinese Paper Lanterns into the beautiful night sky.  It was overwhelming. The pain & grief hit me as I stepped out to light lantern. I burst into tears.  I'd held it together all day, and the days leading up to the event.  I didn't want to let them go...felt like I was saying goodbye again.  I would let go...and then reach out to grab my lantern back...until finally letting them go...both of them...watching them until I couldn't see them anymore...  Beautiful.  

As a side note, I find it no "happenstance" or "chance" that I have heard this amazing song on the radio nearly every day this week... LOVE this song & the hope that it proclaims!!


"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" <--click click--="" here="">

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

psalm 71:14

Maybe it's because we are attempting "this baby thing" again...  Maybe it's because it's already been 6 months of "serious" trying, but really at least a year of WANTING it...  Maybe it's because I let a little bit of myself believe it'd be easier this time...

Maybe it's just because I'm a girl & all I want with my whole self is to make babies.

Maybe it's because I have faith that my God can do mighty things.

Maybe it's silly, or maybe it seems foolish.

But, whatever "it" is, I am really feeling sensitive lately.  I am missing Rowan & Levi bad.  Like in those first days after they left us missing them.   Sometimes I squeeze Noah so tight & just breath him in...I cannot get enough of that squishy, squirmy, boy smell.  I cannot hold him enough, kiss him enough, love him enough...to bring them back.  :/  Is it weird to even think that...I don't know.

I cry and cry at the thought that Noah may be my only living child.  I cry and cry at how selfish that is, and sounds... I know so many struggling still, wishing, hoping, praying...coveting what we have...longing for this piece of Heaven.  When will I stop wanting and taking & just be okay with what we have been given?

I have to admit I think part of the reason I want so much is because I feel that so much has been taken from us.  And it has, but I have to come to terms with the fact that NOTHING is owed.  And it's hard.

Been thinking...

I've had my boys on my mind a lot these past few weeks.  Like, first thing in the morning, all through the day (randomly) and in the busiest of times...  A feeling of needing them, so deeply.  A feeling that I'll admit I haven't felt in a long time...like maybe since Noah has been here (19 months).

So, here I am sitting at the computer thinking of them.  Missing them.  Looking at pictures & wishing for them.  Praying for us.  Praying for him.  For them.  And I stumbled on this...

It's perfect right.  It just sums it up...this feeling I've been having.  It is so hard, SO.VERY.HARD. to forget...to move one with life...to keep living...someone who gave you soooooooo much to remember.  I don't want to forget my boys.  I know that I wear them on my face, on my body, daily...but I just take it to mean...it's so hard to just keep going & living without someone (or someones) who gave you so much, meant EVERYTHING...  It is so. hard.

xo

sharing

I will be sharing my testimony at our MOPS group on Thursday.  It has been a tough few days as I write things out and really think about my past...where I came from, how I got to this day. 

I have spent a lot of time praying about what I will say about Rowan & Levi, as I feel they have made me the momma that I am today.  I really want to offer hope and love to other women who may have lost their babes, or know someone who has.  I struggle with the right words, and the right way to say them.  I know that God will direct me in what to say, and I just need to be strong enough to listen and follow. 

Thinking so much about them and recounting their stories has really been a series of ups and downs.  It has been nearly 3 years since little Rowan died, and almost 2 years since our Levi left us.  I miss those boys so much.  As I watch Noah grow and learn I can't help but wonder what they would be like...what our life would be like...

I miss them so much.  My heart is so broken, and yet so full...  How can there be such conflicting emotions?  How can there be so much love?

Time Marches On

Today is a special day.  Our little family is the Facebook Feature Family for the Pensacola area March of Dimes, for today anyway. 

Here is our story as shared on the FB page...

If you are visiting this blog from seeing us on FB, thanks, and I hope you will read all about our journey to being parents.  The amazing, the sad, the joyous, the heartbroken...all of it.  Then, tell someone else & so on...  Our message of faith is simple.  God loves us, and He loves you.  We pray that you will read our story and know our hearts are so full of love for the God who gives and takes away.  We are humbled to be parents to 3 precious angel children, even if we only get to keep one for the time being. 

Anyway, I digress. Now, if you want to read more you can click on the links ---> over there under READ MORE (right under the first 2 pictures on the right column of this page). 

 Rowan, 08-17-09

 Levi's hands & feet

 Levi Matthew 06/28-06/29/10

Noah Reagan, miracle of miracles, born 07-18-11

some days

Some days are just so dadgum hard.  Still, after all this time...yes, the days are just hard.  I spend all day looking, loving, tending to my son...all day missing those who didn't make it...and knowing that because they didn't make it here...he is here.  He is a miracle child.  A true gift.  And, yet, I miss them still...so much more now it seems.  I think I somehow thought that it would be easier when Noah was here, or at least that I wouldn't have as much time to dwell on those gone too soon.  I guess maybe it's also because it's nearly Christmas and rather than 3 sweet little cherubs filling my home with squeals of laughter, I have only one.  And, I am so glad to have the one....but I still miss Rowan & Levi.  Does it really ever get easier?

my mom & Noah putting Christmas flowers out for Rowan & Levi

10-15-11

"Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.."   ~Anonymous

Missing my sweet angels today.  Thinking of them always and wishing they were here to squeeze and cuddle.  Knowing I'm blessed to be their momma.  Many emotions flowing today.  

Rest well my boys.  Momma will be there soon!!

 Rowan, 08/17/2009

 Levi Matthew, 06/28/10 - 06/29/10

Levi's hands & feet.  This gets me right in the heart, every time.  My little man.

 

 

International Babylost Father's Day

Today is September 25th.  While this date doesn't particularly mean anything to most people, it has been set aside by grief-stricken, baby loss, parents as an International Day of honoring fathers whose children left for Heaven...  You can read about the origins of the project here.  And, started by the same mama is a project that is specifically for those just beginning their journey through the loss of a child(ren). 

Being a dad is the most amazing thing I've watched my husband do, and it started well before we brought our Noah home from the hospital.  It was the day that I showed him the positive test back in June of 2009...and 13 weeks later as we held our sweet Rowan...born way too soon.  I knew he was a daddy when the tears filled his eyes as he called the funeral home, and took care of business for his first born.  It was in the spark of hope that filled his face as I told him I was pregnant a second time...and in the angst filled tears that fell as he told me (after waking from anethesia) that we were soon to lose our second son.

Now to watch him with Noah is such an answer to many prayers.  I wanted so badly to give him a son that he could hold and raise up here on earth.  Happy father's day my sweet love.  We all love you so much.  You are our hero.

xoxo - wifey, Rowan, Levi & Noah

Celebrating Levi's 1st Angelversary

The past two days have been sweet, but also very painful.  I guess that is the definition of 'bittersweet.'  Last year, our son, Levi Matthew, was born at 11:46 pm on June 28th, and passed away at 1:05 am on June 29th.  In his brief time with us we were able to cover him in kisses and snuggles, and he only knew of our love.  He is a precious angel and the Lord blessed us greatly by allowing Levi to stay for a short time with us.

I miss him everyday, and so yesterday and today were all about Levi.  We had a small cake last night, with a candle.  We sang happy birthday, and cut a small piece of cake for Levi.  We ate it for him, and I think he would have loved chocolate like his momma!  :0)  Then, today we took some new items out to the cemetery and just spent time talking of our boys (all 3).

I took some time today to look back through all the cards we received after Levi passed away.  We are so blessed to be surrounded by so many who love us, and all our babies so much.  The Lord has been far too kind to our little family.  I also spent time looking at all our pictures from the night Levi came to us, as well as the following days.  He was so beautiful, and perfect.  I cannot stop staring at his sweet little face.  He was the exact replica of his daddy, and every time I look at Matt I can see my sweet Levi.  I'm going to post on here a few pics that I don't think we've shared before, but they are so sweet to me.  I am so glad we had the chance to capture these moments.

Levi &Daddy's hands...

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For Levi:

My sweet love,

Oh, I cannot believe it's been a year that you have been gone.  A lot has happened in the past 12 months.  You are so fresh on my mind, daily, and I miss you greatly.  I love you so much angel boy.  You are such a huge part of our life, and we could never stop loving you or thinking about you.  Pretty soon you are going to be a big brother, and we are so excited.  I wish you could be here to teach Noah all about life with our family.  I feel certain you are watching over him though...I just know that is the kind of big brothers you and Rowan would be.   Oh, my dear boy, I miss you so much.  I love you more than these words can convey, and I cannot wait to meet you again someday.  Hugs and Kisses my little lion.  Momma and daddy love you sooooooo much.  ~momma