#100

Just a warning :this may be pretty random...

I've had a really rough few days. Sometimes the pain just sneaks up on you, and it's as if someone has slapped you in the face with a lead glove. The empty ache in the pit of my stomach, the deep despair in my heart, are all too familiar....but never seem easier to bear. Being a mom to two dead children sucks....majorly.

I watch the kids in my neighborhood running, laughing, living...and I'm crying again. I see the pregnant women at Publix or Target, and I'm crying...again. I can spot a preggo a good mile away, and change course pretty quickly these days - it's a skill you pick up being a BLM. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is.

A list of things that make me want to slap a woman:
(1) complaints about being pregnant
(2) complaints about her kids
(3) complaints about stretch marks from being pregnant
(4) snatching a kid by the arm and speaking uber-harshly to them (you know what I'm talking about - there is usually a cigarette dangling from her lips - eerily close to the little kid's face)

I am going to start counseling. As you can tell from reading above, I clearly need to talk to someone. I probably need some type of medication as well. I feel totally out of control of my emotions most of the time, and big crowds of people make me nervous, oh and then there is the idea that I might see someone I know - so I drive to stores that aren't close to my house/work just to be safe. Yeah, I think I need to talk to someone. I am making light of this situation, but it is serious. I have been praying and just really hoping that I'd be able to get things under control on my own....yeah... So, I think it's going to be good. It's through my church, and it makes me excited that the counselor will share my beliefs.

Anyhow, happy 100th post to me. 100, and here I was thinking I didn't have anything to say.