Rabbit Hole, a brief review

Wow.  I finally saw 'Rabbit Hole.'  This movie stars Nicole Kidman & Aaron Eckhart.  I am still trying to wrap my mind around all that I took in.  It was incredible to see my grief, anger, etc, etc, etc, displayed all too accurately on the screen.  Although the child in the movie dies in a completely (yet still horribly) different way than my children died, wow...  Outstanding.  I wish I'd had the courage to see the film in theaters, but I knew I'd be a blubbering idiot... I found here a nice review of the film, and probably a better place to get the facts than from myself - so that I don't spoil anything.  Also, here, on rotten tomatoes.

I felt each tense moment, because I too had lived those moments.  I knew, all too well, the depth of each painful encounter with people from all over the momma's life.  I could literally feel the agony she had when talking with her family, and I know that look that her husband carried around on his face - as I'd seen it so many times on Matt's face.  It was an outstanding, amazing, devastating, portrayal of the grief process, the 'trying to hold it together' process, and the 'saving your marriage' process.

I cried out watching her remember 'that day.'  I had to pause the film and sob a few times, but I bravely made it through.  You know what my favorite part was...  There was no fairy tale ending.  Things didn't just 'magically' get all better, and go back to 'normal.'  It was a real, honest, gritty look at two people who love each other - losing the only other person they loved quite as much.  Just like my life has been...the same places of hurt that I have visited these last 2 years, the same places of blame, grief, anger, and trying to heal.

I am sad to say that rather than relying on God, the mother tends to look toward 'other' more scientific explanations for dealing with her grief - and once you see the film, and learn of her reasons you will understand more, I am trying not to totally ruin the movie.  I guess it isn't that she negates God for science, although she is angry and I am sure that she does not believe in God - but, well, you will just have to watch it.  I think I would have felt an ever deeper connection to the film and the portrayal had the family been a family of faith.  But, like I said...it's raw and honest, and not everyone has a faith in God.

Anyhow, I will leave you with a link to the trailer, and my favorite quote:

Becca (Nicole Kidman): Does it ever go away?

Nat (Dianne Wiest - Nicole Kidman's mother in the film) : No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.

Becca: How?

Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful - not all the time. It's kinda...  not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And uh... it doesn't go away. Which is...

Becca: Which is what?

Nat: Fine, actually.

Integrated

Integrated:  combined, interspersed, mingled, mixed, unified

My children are no longer with me in physical form.  I miss them, every moment of every day, I miss them.  I ache for them with a deep, soul, ache that cannot be captured in words, or explained.  My arms feel the weight of their emptiness.  My heart feels the emptiness of this wait.  

The lives and deaths of Rowan and Levi are so integrated within my life.  Every part of my life is touched by them, and this life chosen for me by God.  I miss these children...  I think it may be akin to phantom limb syndrome.  

 Have you heard of this?  When someone loses a leg, arm, etc., they still have the sensation of the body part being there.  After Levi died, knowing full well that I birthed him (felt the pain, no drugs, birthed him) - I would wake up for weeks...feeling him still moving, tumbling, around in my womb. And even still, my arms literally ache to hold them...and sometimes feel as if I've just laid them down.

 As Levi's due date approaches I am becoming more anxious and irritable.  I SHOULD be 8 months pregnant now...so swollen with his life that I can't see my feet!  Instead, I'm lying here...without him...writing about a memory of a child...MY child...MY SON.  I miss this sweet, strong, valiant, boy.  My boy.


And, my Rowan....taken back to Heaven so soon...  We hardly had the time to rejoice in your coming, and you were already going.  We miss you love.  


******
My sweet angel babes ~

We miss you too much for words.  Daddy & momma love you and miss you terribly.  We wait here, impatiently, for the day when we are all reunited and you two show us all your favorite Heavenly places.  


xoxo - mom

Tangled Up

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”  ~Helen Keller

All the feelings get all jumbled sometimes.  I feel happy today, but guilty for feeling good when I am so sad because both my babies are gone so far away.  Then I feel ridiculous for feeling guilty, because I am a bereaved mother and I am dealing with my grief as it comes (and it comes in waves).  Ugh.

I have gone from being a confident, naive, young woman to a wise(r)?! I hope, older woman, in the past year.  I know myself much more deeply, and am so sure of my convictions...  But I am completely unsure of my 'feelings.'  It's the confusing emotionality of grief that gets me twisted up.  Is this even making sense?

I am not afraid.  I know my hope is secure, I know where my children are, and I know where I'm headed.  I am not afraid.  There can be nothing so devastating, or painful, as losing a child (save for losing another - both of which I've already done....)  I am not afraid.  For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. (II Tim 1:7)


Why is it then that when the flood of emotion starts to rise up...I freeze.  I have no idea, literally, of what to do with the emotions.  Do I put on a smile, say I'm doing okay, and keep walking?  Do I wallow in the depths of the pain and anger?

I have no answers yet...but I'm not giving up!  I am victorious.  I am a warrior momma.

I miss my boys so terribly much.  This month will be 14 months since Rowan went to Heaven...he would be nearly 8 months old if he had made it to his due date...  8 months old!!  Wow.  And Levi will have been gone 4 months at the end of October.  I was 17 weeks when my water broke....  I hate getting to the point in this 'after-life' - you BLMs know what I mean...the place where they have been gone longer than they got to stay!?!  HATE it.  HATE. it.

these quiet moments

My house is quiet.  Too quiet.  There is no crying babe, no chatty toddler, no...sound...at all...

My heart feels heavy and full of an emptiness that only a mother who has buried a child can understand.  My belly is empty from the loss of my sons, and feels cavernous tonight. 

I feel sad.  I miss my baby.  9 weeks ago I held his tiny body and begged God to let me keep him.  My soul aches with missing my children...  a deep ache, a belly ache.  I want to scream, to cry...to run...and not stop.  This quietness teases me, and cloaks me in itself. 

I try to fill up my days with phone calls, internet activities, meeting up with friends....to avoid the quiet that comes when I am alone.  I'm thankful that we decided to have Levi at the hospital rather than at home, as we had planned.  I think it would have made it unbearable to be here at all. 

I can hear Matt breathing deeply now.  I am not alone.  He too is feeling the sadness only a father who held his sons for only moments can know.  A father who has two dead boys...two tiny graves with the our last name on them...two....gone.

i worship You so the heavens above can hear

Sweet rest, and the Glory of heaven has found it's way to you dear, sweet, William.

Oh God, my heart is broken at the loss of you here ... You are missed so greatly, and it's barely been one full day... I can barely see through the tears....part sadness at the loss of one of my greatest friends, and part jealously that you are now with Jesus....

I can't stop listening to your music...just to hear your voice again. Had I known this day would be here I would have hugged you last Tuesday...despite all those tubes and hospital stuff... oh, Will.... what must it be like where you are today?!? No sadness, no pain, amazing worship...incredible Jesus....

Thank you for your friendship, your humor, your music, your love for Jesus. Thank you for being a faithful, truthful, man of God.

This is today's reading from "My Utmost for His Highest" -- timely...

Our Lord's Suprise Visits

A Christian worker’s greatest need is a readiness to face Jesus Christ at any and every turn. This is not easy, no matter what our experience has been. This battle is not against sin, difficulties, or circumstances, but against being so absorbed in our service to Jesus Christ that we are not ready to face Jesus Himself at every turn. The greatest need is not facing our beliefs or doctrines, or even facing the question of whether or not we are of any use to Him, but the need is to face Him.
Jesus rarely comes where we expect Him; He appears where we least expect Him, and always in the most illogical situations. The only way a servant can remain true to God is to be ready for the Lord’s surprise visits. This readiness will not be brought about by service, but through intense spiritual reality, expecting Jesus Christ at every turn. This sense of expectation will give our life the attitude of childlike wonder He wants it to have. If we are going to be ready for Jesus Christ, we have to stop being religious. In other words, we must stop using religion as if it were some kind of a lofty lifestyle-we must be spiritually real.
If you are avoiding the call of the religious thinking of today’s world, and instead are "looking unto Jesus" ( Hebrews 12:2 ), setting your heart on what He wants, and thinking His thoughts, you will be considered impractical and a daydreamer. But when He suddenly appears in the work of the heat of the day, you will be the only one who is ready. You should trust no one, and even ignore the finest saint on earth if he blocks your sight of Jesus Christ.