Anyhow, each month the Faces of Loss team puts out a topic of conversation. And here is the one for October: As Halloween approaches and you start thinking about costumes, are there (figurative) "masks" you sometimes put on?
Oh good golly! This hit me like a swift kick in the butt. I like to think I don't pretend for anyone, and I don't just say 'I'm fine' when on the inside I'm a mess. But, alas... I do. I very much do. I try very hard not to let other people's comfort level dictate whether or not I'll talk about Rowan and/or Levi...but it often does. Many people cannot deal with the fact that babies die. Many people (some who are very close to me) still refer to me as 'having no children.' So, yes, I wear masks. I put on the mask of the happy-go-lucky girl I've always been known to be...and I go out and about. I plaster on a smile when I see you coming with your pregnant belly, or your tiny baby. I save my tears and frowns for a more private time. I put on the mask of 'friendly concern/care' for you as you tell me how 'the baby won't sleep more than 2 hours,' or 'my clothes don't fit anymore - HAHAHA - LOL'. I save the raw emotions for a later time...
I'm not sure why I do this. I think even people who haven't lost babies put on masks all the time. There are many reasons to pretend to be something other than what you are truly. But, I hate it. It only makes me feel bad, because I seem to be the only one who knows.
Sigh. So, yes, I put on masks. But I'm learning about taking them off and stomping them to dust so they can never be put back on...
