Thoughtful Wednesday: Just the Two of Us

 

Merry Christmas.  I know, it's still a few days away...

We believed that this year would be so different from last year.  And, it is....just not in the way we had hoped.  We are missing our babies so much this season.  It is really hard to be a parent to two dead children, but it is even harder during the holidays.  And, it is even harder still when you see family you haven't seen all year and they don't understand why you are still upset, or sad, and why you aren't just thrilled to be part of the holiday family time....

It is just hard.  I do not know why Matt and I have been assigned this portion from the Lord.  I do not understand His ways, or His thoughts toward us.  I did see something the other day that brought joy to me though:

Thoughtful Wednesday: O Christmas Tree

 

Well, it's here.  December 1st.  We usually spend the day after Thanksgiving pulling out decorations, putting up our tree and making the house cute and Christmas-y.  But this year....I was bound and determined NOT to do that...  Christmas won't be what I want it to be, and Levi won't be here with us...and neither will Rowan.  Again. Another Christmas ...just us.  But, Matt, my amazing love insisted.  So, on Thanksgiving day after we visited the cemetery, we came home and put up our tree.  It was an emotional process and took much longer than usual, but it was good.  And, it's so nice to have it up now.  It makes the house seem a little more homey.  And, we have ornaments in memory of Rowan and Levi on the tree...so I can see those everyday and it makes me smile.

Thoughtful Wednesday : My Son

 
Today is November 24th.  Meaning, naturally, that tomorrow is November 25th.  If I had my way I wouldn't be typing out this blog - no I'd be in labor and so ready to meet my son, Levi.  But instead, my life took another path...  My Levi came to us at only 19 weeks gestation, and died after spending a little over an hour with us.  And oh, the love that can be shared in 1 hour and 19 minutes...it cannot be captured...it cannot be explained or described...it just is.

My boy, my sweet, beautiful, perfect, angel boy.  Forever in Heaven with his big brother, Rowan.  Forever together my two boys.  Gone far too soon, leaving behind a brokenhearted momma and daddy.  Pieces of me, ripped away...

My due date 11-25-2010.  My 30th birthday 11-27-2010.  The day my life came to a screeching halt (again) 06-28-2010.

------

To My Boys:

Oh how momma loves you both.  Rowan, so small and so right.  I miss you dear love.  I love you.  And, my Levi....your absence is felt in my every breath.  We are not ourselves without you two.  You are so loved, and still so desperately wanted by us both.  You have my heart.

I love you with all my love.
~momma

Thoughtful Wednesday : Say What You Mean

 
I really enjoy the cartoon, Horton Hears a Who.  I grew up adoring Dr. Seuss' books, in fact, The Cat in the Hat was the very first book I learned to read.  Anyhow, in the movie, two of my favorite quotes for my life are found.

(1) This one has nothing to do with this post, but I love it.  "A person is a person, no matter how small."

(2)  "I said what I meant, and I meant what I said. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent!"

Of course, I'm no elephant!  But, I love that line.  It is something that I've been working on.  After we lost our first baby to miscarriage the power of words really became alive to me.  I used to say whatever popped into my head and roll with it.  I never gave much thought to what I said, to whom I said it, or to how it made them feel.  I also used to exaggerate EVERYTHING - and that's no exaggeration!  I think it's partly my personality, but it was also me just being unmindful of what I was saying.

Now, please - I still say nonsense things and still tell jokes, that's not what I mean.  I was just talking.  For years, just talking - and not saying a thing!  I didn't mean 90% of what I said - I would just talk.  These days I try to weigh my words and speak when I know it will make a difference or at least have some meaning.  I don't want to waste my time, or the time of those around me with careless dribble. 

And, it's very important to me to be a woman of my word.  If I say I'll do something, then I'll do it.  I said what I meant, and I meant what I said.  See.

So after Levi died I was again taken aback by how much words can affect someone.  Namely me.  I was devastated by simple things that people said to me/us, but they just weren't always thinking.  I was also upset at the things people weren't saying.  I guess it has really all come down to the power of words.  I have been smacked in the head by the heaviness of words, and how much good or bad they can do.  I'd like to be a very careful speaker.  Careful for those listening/reading, careful to speak positively to everyone I meet and careful to speak positively to myself.

I hope this makes more sense to me when I re-read it later...  :0)

Thoughtful Wednesday : Strong?

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we
don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have
to let go. ~Author Unknown

  People tell me that I am strong.  I wonder what they mean.  See, I know that I am a weakling.  I know that I am only able to stand there while they tell me that because I'm leaning so hard on Jesus.  Levi's due date is fast approaching, along with my 30th birthday and the holiday season.  I'm a little stressed to say the least.  In fact, the last thing I am (or want to be) is strong.

  I am not full of faith, or courage, or strength.  I am weak, unsteady and unsure.  I have to ask God for guidance and help all day long.  I have to ask God for the strength not to punch the pregnant woman smoking behind my office building.  I have to ask God to give me peace so that I can show some grace to the mother screaming her head off at her kids in Publix.  I have to ask God to help me stand-up when a mom with the tiniest, cutest, baby is headed my way in church, the mall, etc....

  The truth is, my heart is breaking. Sometimes it fees like it is literally breaking smaller and smaller every day.  Sometimes I wonder how much more it can hurt...and then it hurts some more.  We were told yesterday that we are 'sort of' lucky we don't have kids because we have so much more freedom...  Freedom for what?  Freedom to smack you in the head for saying that?  There is a difference in not having children because they died, and not having children because you chose not too.  Good grief! Sometimes I wonder if people even hear the words that flow so loosely from their mouths.

  Everyday I repeat this prayer:  God give me courage to believe in You and Your plan.  God give me courage to trust You and Your plan.  And God, forgive me when I am lacking both.

Thoughtful Wednesday:

 

This week I've been thinking a lot about making our financial life less stressful.  I have always been thrifty, frugal, whatever you want to call it.  I clip coupons, I make a meal plan, I study Dave Ramsey's program, we put away savings for BIG (life) emergencies...but we weren't prepared for the death of Levi.  We didn't want to use all of our savings to pay off medical bills, so we are really tightening down in our budget (even more than before) to make the monthly payments...but it's hard.

I find it harder to be diligent in paying down the medical bills because I'm so angry that I have to pay them at all.  I mean, the government floats and pays for so many people...why are mom's of dead babies not on that list?  I mean, if anyone should be given a break - financially.  Ugh, it's just frustrating.  I keep getting 'final notices,' and 'threats'...it's exhausting, calling and telling our 'story' again and again and praying for someone to be lenient.  Of course they aren't, and then I get sour writing out the checks...knowing that I am not snuggling Levi between licking envelopes and pasting stamps.  Sigh.

Just random venting...  Come back next week I'll have something worth reading..maybe.  :o)

Thoughtful Wednesday : kiddies

I'm starting this week to keep a friend's children after work.  Just 3 days a week for 2 hours at a time.  I think it's been good for me so far, and I think it will continue to be good.  Until now I haven't really been too keen on being around children.  Toddlers and older kids though, I'm starting to warm up too.  I don't know if I could handle an infant. I still feel pretty overwhelmed whenever I see a preggo or a new baby out and about. 

  I hope that time will heal the ache, and I'm optimistic about it.   

Thoughtful Wednesday:

One thing that I spend a lot of time thinking about is how to be a victorious person.  I don't want to be a victim, or someone stuck in a pity party.  Somedays it's really hard to see how anything good can come from what Matt and I have lived through this past year.  Somedays I can barely force myself out of bed.  But, I want to live a life that honors the short lives of our children...and I know that rotting away in bed isn't going to honor anyone.

I'm not strong.  Far from it, in fact, I'm just barely staying sane.  What I am, however, is someone who tries to be faithful.  I know that it is only by the grace and mercy shown to me by Jesus that I have been able to overcome great distress and heartbreak.  It is only because of the strength in the loving arms of Jesus that I know I am destined for more than the life of a babyloss momma. 

I have been thinking an awful lot about clinging to the promises of Jesus, and just what it would be like to be an overcomer....a miracle.  I want people to look at my life, and say, you know she didn't have an easy path...but she kept on going. 

Psalm 31:19
How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you.

Thoughtful Wednesday : complaining

     Today I am going to write about complaining.  I have been thinking a lot the last few days about what I wanted today's thoughtful post to be about ... and the one thing lately that I have had on my mind is grumbling, complaining...and just not being a thankful, grateful, woman.

     We all do it.  We don't even think about what we are really saying.  I have really noticed it a lot lately.  I sometimes feel like some people wouldn't have anything to say if they were to give up complaining.  I used to be one of those people.  And then, my babies died.  Now-a-days, every time I tell someone about Rowan & Levi, I lose a little of that old self...the one who complained about every tiny, little, annoyance. My boys have taught me so much about myself.

     Lately, when I think about something that is annoying me, or bothering me in some way, and I tell myself that nothing is as bad as burying my sweet boys.  Then I can move on.  It works every time, and is really teaching me to choose my words (and thoughts) carefully.  For instance, if traffic is all backed up and I feel myself getting upset, I just say hey self...it's not worse than saying good-bye to Levi... and then I turn up the radio and sing along instead of fuming over something that I can't change.  It's little things like that, and I hope that by stepping back and being real with myself in the little things then I can be real and ready to handle the bigger things.

     Here is another example (from today).  I was at Shoe Station looking for some shoes for my new job, and I went down one aisle in which a woman in her early 50's was very loudly complaining to her mother (mid-70's) about a shoe not fitting one of her feet.  The statement that really got to me was, "I don't care...an 8 should be an 8 no matter the brand."  The mother just sat there, silently.  What could she say.  I mean it was almost humorous to me....  The woman was so loudly complaining and the mother not saying a word, because there was nothing to say....the mother couldn't do anything to remedy the situation.  I walked to another aisle, but ended up on the same aisle with them again later, and the daughter was still loudly complaining to her mother, but this time about her mother being slow...  I had to leave the store.  I just don't ever want to be that woman.  

***My Levi died on June 29, 2010 - 12 weeks ago today.  Rest well my tiny angel boy.  Momma loves you more than ever.

Thoughtful Wednesday :

Time for my Wednesday blog link-up.  This one comes from MsBabyPlan at The Baby Plan.  Here is a link to her post explaining her rules - Original Post.

Today what I am thinking about is my children.  I hear people complain about their kids all the time, I mean it's like I can't go anywhere without hearing mothers snipping at toddlers, or yanking kids around...  I think I'm probably hyper-sensitive to it because of my lack of living children.  I wonder if I'd be that way with my kids.  I like to think that because of our profound loss that I'll be a better momma when my time comes.  I'd really like to believe that my time is coming.

I don't mean to judge those parents who complain about how little they get to sleep, how terrible potty training is going, or how inconsiderate their kids are...but part of me wants to grab them by the larynx, show them pictures of my babies headstones...and scream, "DON'T YOU SEE...YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN A MOST AMAZING PRIZE...CHERISH EVERY SECOND, EVERY SCREAM OF FRUSTRATION, EVERY SLEEPLESS NIGHT...EVERY I LOVE YOU, EVERY TOUCH." 

This week has been so emotional for me.  I am exhausted as we have been going non-stop with revival at church this week.  My hubs is on staff at our church, so we are there a lot and with revival we are there even more.  It has been so good, and I have much to share...but it's also been stirring up a lot in me that I've been neglecting.

Right now, without thinking about it too hard I can list 7 girls that are pregnant with #2, 3 or even 4...  It is a happy time, and they are my friends, and I want to be excited for them.  I want to share in the joy of a new baby, because I truly love babies, and children in general.  But, I cannot seem to get there mentally.  My heart aches for my Levi.  I should be so big and round, with him rolling around inside...but instead I make calls to the cemetery about his crooked headstone, or plan what flowers to put out next time I'm at the gravesite, or make arrangements to place flowers on the alter in his memory.

I want to be stronger.  I want to be more than a mother to two dead babies.  I want to rise up, victorious, and proclaim that God is still good and that I am blessed indeed.  I want that to be my spirit's cry... But I am so weak, and in my weakness I doubt Him.  In my weakness I question what is right and what is just, and what is from God as opposed to what is allowed by God.  I have so many questions, so much that I am so unsure of...  What is it that I need to learn that one dead child didn't teach me, and now I have two...and I still have no idea!?!?  


I ache with a depth that cannot be put into words.  And words are not big enough to convey the emptiness of my womb.  As I stumble through the stages of grief I am astounded by how deep the pain is rooted.  I can still smell Levi, and feel the weight of him in my hands.  I can remember every trace of his face when I close my eyes, of course I see him every time I look at Matt.  I remember his warm little body, that tiny hand grasping my finger and his sweet little mouth greedily gulping down a few breaths.  He was a warrior boy, a tiny hero.  I miss my son so much.    

Isaiah 60:20-22
Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end.  Then will all your people be righteous and they will possess the land forever.  They are the shoot I have planted, the work of my hands, for the display of my splendor.  The least of you will become a thousand, the smallest a mighty nation.  I am the LORD; in its time I will do this swiftly."

Thoughtful Wednesday: AF

Okay, so What I Wore Wednesday was really stressing me out, so this week I'm trying a new Wednesday blog link-up.  This one comes from MsBabyPlan at The Baby Plan.  Here is a link to her post explaining her rules - Original Post.

 So, here is my first Thoughtful Wednesday Post:

  If you are reading, I shouldn't have to warn you, but I will....this post is about my period.

  You see, if you have been reading, my son died a little over 11 weeks ago.  I have two children, and they both live in Heaven.  After Rowan (my first son) died last August I didn't have a period for 4 months, and then Matt and I were not ready to try and then we started TTC in February, and were pregnant in March...because the Lord is so truly awesome.

  Now, Levi was born on June 28th and died on the 29th.  So, it's been 11 weeks (Monday the 13th).  I was shocked when AF got here on Saturday (11th) to say the least.  I was expecting 5-6 months with no signs of my fertility returning (if at all).  I cried a lot when I saw that I started bleeding on Saturday.  Tears of joy. 

  I don't know if we are ready to TTC yet, but I feel like a woman again, and I do hope to be pregnant again.