Jumpstart Week Day 5

Today is the last day of Jumpstart week!!  I have been blogging along with the SITS gals.

They posted a neat idea last Friday (09/10), and you can read about it here.  Anyhow, so here is this week's last bloggy idea:   

Friday, September 17: 

As your last assignment to jump start your return to blogging, write about what blogging means to you. Why do you blog? 

What purpose does it serve you and how have you benefited from sharing a piece of yourself online this way?

I blog because I refuse to keep silent about the death of my children.  I believe that women have gone for far too long thinking that talking about death is a taboo.  I think for far too long we have overlooked grieving families, and asked them to 'move on, or move aside.'  I have been guilty of this myself, and that is perhaps why I feel so passionately about it now.  I firmly believe that if I don't write about death, and baby loss, and grief, and all the millions of emotions that come when a baby dies - maybe no one will write.  What if I am the only one who writes about it.  I mean, clearly I'm not, but what if we all had the mindset that said, "I don't need to do it...someone else will." ??  Well, clearly, nothing would ever be written, or invented, or done.  

I also blog as a means of coping with my grief.  I am a mother of two precious boys, Rowan and Levi. 

My children did not get to stay with me and their daddy, as they reside with Jesus.  I miss them so much.  I think of my boys every moment, of everyday.  I miss them in a way that cannot be put into words.  Think of someone you miss, and then multiply that feeling by infinity....then you will have one-tenth of the idea of what it feels like to bury your children.  I was pregnant twice in the last year.  I gave birth twice in a 10 month period.  I chose a funeral home twice in the last 11 months, and picked out grave markers twice too.  I held a tiny box with my son inside, twice, in the last year.  I cried a million, billion, tears - every night for months and months.  

I write because women need to know that (1) they are not alone, (2) there is a hope for momma's of angels, (3) no matter what you feel or think - you are not crazy and (4) there are women who have walked this path numerous times, for a long-long time - let them reach out to you.

Jumpstart Week Day 4

This week I'm going to be blogging along with the SITS gals.

They posted a neat idea last Friday, and you can read about it here.  They are also going to be giving someone a really rad washer/dryer combo thingy, so maybe you want to blog along too.  (just read all the rules)

Anyhow, so here is today's bloggy idea:    

Thursday, September 16: 

Write a new post about a woman who inspires you. 

  I am greatly inspired by women who overcome, and live to tell about it.  I am greatly inspired by someone that most of you bloggers have read (or heard) about.  Her story touches my heart everytime, and though we have a different set of beliefs, I think she is an incredible woman.

  Her name is Stephanie Nielson.  You can watch a short video about her story here .  Although she and I have actually nothing in common (now that I think about it), her attitude about the loss she has suffered has greatly impacted me.  I long to be more than my loss, and everyday I hope I am closer to that goal.  I want to remember my boys, and tell the world about them...and shout their names from the mountain top, but I also want to be better because of mothering them.  I want the deaths of my children to have a profound impact on the world, because it has had a profound impact on me.  But, what I have learned from Stephanie is that I have to be an overcomer, and rise up...and then I can make the difference that I want to see.  

visit her blog & be inspired too!

 

Jumpstart Week Day 3

This week I'm going to be blogging along with the SITS gals.

They posted a neat idea last Friday, and you can read about it here.  They are also going to be giving someone a really rad washer/dryer combo thingy, so maybe you want to blog along too.  (just read all the rules).

Wednesday, September 15: 

Re-upload a post with a title that you are particularly proud of 

and explain why.

Perhaps I'm more proud of the actual message in the blog, than the title, but I think it's worth sharing again.  I wrote this entry shortly after Rowan died.   I had seen so many book titles, and blogs with 'silent', 'alone', 'unspoken' in the title and I was over it already.  I strongly believe that BLMs should tell their stories and mention their babies...living or dead.  I don't think it should be a secret when a baby dies.  It happened, it burns and aches, and I am going to talk about it.  *stepping down from soap box*

Here is the post from August 31, 2009:

Don't ask me how I'm doing!

This is just a warning for any of my real friends reading this. And, by all means ask, but only if you feel strong enough for the truth.

And the truth is, I’m awful. I don't know if I could be feeling anything other than awful. It has been two weeks...just today... And, I have the rest of my life to process the loss of our sweet Rowan.

Of course, I don't sit around all day thinking about slitting my wrists or in a pool of my own tears...although sometimes I do, the tears part that is... Mostly at night, in those moments after I've prayed, and kissed Mattie good night... I can hear him breathing deeply beside me...and I know how much we are both aching...and I lose it over and over again...

But, a lot of the time, if you were to spy on our little home, you’d see a madly in love couple, learning to go about their daily lives. We cook, we eat, we play with Falcor, we listen to music that speaks words we cannot seem to find...and we just love each other...

But, there is just no way I can put on a happy face, or keep up appearances for everyone. And, I've decided that if you are brave enough to ask me how I am, I’m going to tell the truth. The problem with this, is that when I tell a lot of people how I am, they run ...and they run fast. It feels as if people are just waiting for me to feel “better” or "okay" so they don’t feel so uncomfortable speaking to me. Well, I'm not comfortable...in fact this is the complete opposite of comfortable for me...but I don't have the strength, nor do I feel it's my job, to make sure everyone around me/us is comfortable.

Speaking to me, being around me, is not hard. What I am living right now, that is hard...giving birth to my baby, when he was already gone from this world...that was hard... Yeah, and I have to live with this the rest of my life. You want to know how I am...I haven't slept in days... Every time I close my eyes I see the image of my sweet Rowan, in my hands, warm...lifeless...perfect...in my hands....

I don't mean this to sound any way other than what I've stated. If I make you uncomfortable, please avoid me for now... But, for those of you who love me...who know me... I will not pretend that life is back to normal, or even okay. I am so far from that marker...and I have no idea when I'll get there...

God has been so good to us. Giving us family and friends who love us, and who love our sweet angel baby. We pray for His continued guidance and mercy in these days, weeks, years... He is all that is keeping us going...He alone will bring us peace. Please continue to pray with us, and for us... We do need you all...and we love you.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh... My heart was burdened...and in this place I can say whatever I want...

Jumpstart Week Day 2

This week I'm going to be blogging along with the SITS gals.

They posted a neat idea last Friday, and you can read about it here.  They are also going to be giving someone a really rad washer/dryer combo thingy, so maybe you want to blog along too.  (just read all the rules)

Anyhow, so here is today's bloggy idea:   

Tuesday, September 14: 

Re-upload a post you wish more people had read 

and explain why it was important to you.

So, here is a post from the waaaay back that I read everytime I start feeling self pitying.  It brings me back to reality quickly, and reminds me who I am and where I am going.  Of course, I believe myself to be a COMPLETELY different person than the girl who wrote this post nearly 2 years ago. 
 
"They gave so much to be so little, but Angels always do..." 


Of course, I'd really like everyone to read about my sweet babies and the life they have given us.  To read about Rowan or Levi just click their names.  These sweet boys taught me more about life, death, love, motherhood and EVERYTHING in their small time with us...than I could have learned in my lifetime.


I know the prompt was for one post, but there are so many I'd like to share.  This one features a video made as a tribute for my boys by my new online friend Lynda.  Please take a look if you haven't already seen it, and take another look if you have!!  I watch this video everyday because I cannot look at my children enough.

"We have suffered, but we have survived;
We are hurting, but we are enduring.” 
                                        ~Ben Van Vechten  

Jumpstart Week

This week I'm going to be blogging along with the SITS gals.

They posted a neat idea last Friday, and you can read about it here.  They are also going to be giving someone a really rad washer/dryer combo thingy, so maybe you want to blog along too.  (just read all the rules)

Anyhow, so here is today's bloggy idea:  

Monday, September 13: 

Re-upload the first post you ever wrote on your blog.

Re-reading this post brought me to tears.  I find that I haven't moved much farther along the path.  This was written before we lost our babies, well before we were even pregnant with our first (about 8 months before our first pregnancy and 10 months before our first loss).  All I can say after re-reading is:  amen. 


October 5, 2008


Psalms 37:25 "I have been young, and now am old; yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread." (NKJV)


Matt and I attended a church in Flomaton, AL, this morning. He had a concert there, and I tagged along. I'm so glad that I did....isn't it encouraging to see the way God gets a message straight to our hearts (even if we aren't in our 'home' church).


Anyhow, the psalmist (and I think it was David) is thinking back on being young, and knowing he is more advanced in age...he is saying that through ALL the stuff he's lived through NEVER ONCE has he seen a 'righteous' person 'let down' by God. So, I've been really disappointed in God before, only to realize I'm disappointed in the circumstance I'm in the midst of rather than God, or I'm disappointed in the people I was counting on...rather than God. So, I'm not 'that' old, but I am almost 28 (which is, let's face it) almost 30!! Anyhow, I cannot think of one time in my 12 years as a Christian that I have been 'let down' or 'forsaken' by God.


So, as of late I have really been struggling with the fact that Matt & I don't have babies, and that for some reason I don't seem to be getting pregnant....and it's not for lack of practice :-)... I have been so wrapped up in thinking God doesn't think we are ready, and God doesn't want us to have kids, and I'm doing this wrong, or Matt's doing that wrong...and really taking on a victim mentality (ugh, totally not like me). And then today happened...and this verse was shown to me in a new light.


...I have not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread...


I know in my soul that Christ has called me to raise up a handful of kingdom heirs...and I know in my soul that they will be born of my womb....and I know in my soul that my God does not disappoint...and I know in my soul that all the good in my life has been well worth the wait...and I know in my soul that I am sad to be so late in getting started having babies, and I am sad that I want something so badly that I've made myself crazy, and my husband a little crazier... But, I know in my soul that I will not be forsaken. I know He loves me, and dotes on me, and longs to give me the desires of my heart...but I also know in my soul that He sees so much more of a situation than I ever will.


I also take courage and hope in the last portion of this verse, 'nor his seed begging bread.' For I know that as much as I love and pray and hope for my unborn babies the Lord has an even bigger heart for them. He adores them and has them taken care of already! What a brilliant thought, and such an amazing place to lay your trust!


So, I will wait....impatiently at first, and over time I will learn to settle down. My heart is weary, and it's time to try something else... I think I'll start believing, with a renewed heart, in the God who brought me salvation, freedom, redemption, eternity, love and strength.