Monday, November 17, 2008

my husband, making babies and salvation

Only a small portion of the things I take for granted. How did I become so smug, so self-assured that I was deserving of an amazing husband, sweet babies or a Holy Savior?

God has been so good to me…only 'good' isn't descriptive enough – there isn't anything I can say about the way He loves me. It is indescribable…yet I am constantly trying to put limits on it…and trap Him in a box. I want Him to be someone I can understand, or wrap my mind around….and yet He is always going to be so much more.

I so easily forget the good things He has done for me … just as soon as He isn't giving me something else… I wouldn't have described myself as a selfish person, yet I am. When I pray or cry out to my Father I have a long list of 'what I need.' I rarely stop to just be with Him. That is all He has ever asked of me…to just be with Him. He never demands for me to do anything, or be anything….except to just 'be.' Seems easy enough, 'eh?

I have been blessed by God with the most loving, gentle, gracious husband. I thank God daily for this gift…this man who loves me in spite of myself. I love you always Mattie. I'm sorry for ever taking one second with you for granted, and I choose today to begin recognizing each moment as a treasure to be kept safe…. You are amazing, and brilliant, and a million other wonderful things!!
I love you.

Babies… Long have I waited and long have I wanted… Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart – I have been given this promise by the Lord. Yet I demand that He give me what I desire exactly when I desire it…and yet again and again He withholds… because He knows the appropriate time and place for such things. And, He always knows how to amaze.

I was recently told by a doctor that I have PCOS…and in the same sentence 'although it doesn't mean you can't have children it does mean it will be extremely difficult.' Then she smiled and I cried and she wrote a prescription and just like that I was on my way out into the world – back to work, back to life...just like that…

I was a virgin for 26 years…and then I got married…and I guess I thought I was 'owed' the gift of making babies because I'd been so good, so decent. I've only every kissed 2 fellas in my life, and one of them is my husband…. Again, I thought God, how can this be right – I've been so good… I've really strived to be pure…to keep myself for one special man – your man – my husband, the father of all of my unborn sweet angels… But this isn't the way it works…and though I know that my God is loving and kind, along with many things, trying to get your heart to be okay with the things your head knows are certain – can sometimes be overwhelming….

There is more to say, but I am exhausted. I needed to write this all out. I think I feel a little better.

Mostly, I need your prayers….if you are reading then please pray now…. Pray for peace…

1 comment:

brighthaven said...

Oh golly Amanda, I could have written this post, except I didn't. You did. It's so hard to see other people that I feel don't "deserve" children because they're not making the right choices. I could go on. You are right on with this post. Praying...