I have helped plan & been to 5 baby showers since last Wednesday. Five.
Of course, four of those were at one time! :)
I really, really, really want to have another baby. We have been trying since Noah was about 18 months old (he will be 3 in July) ..but I haven't been back on fertility meds, etc.... I just really, really, really wanted it to happen naturally.
It feels like a metal baseball bat to the stomach every month that I'm not pregnant, every time someone else tell me they ARE pregnant...and every time I stop to realize that my body just can't/won't/doesn't do what it's meant to do... Why do you think that is?
And, while we are on the topic - why do people find it necessary to say things like "isn't it time you had another?" "you're not getting any younger." "noah needs a play mate, don't you want another baby?" What --- you don't know me --- this is what I really want to scream...but I politely smile & nod.
And, in the last week I meet a woman who told me that she went the entire pregnancy not knowing she was preggo...went to ER with stomach cramping & back pain -- left with a baby. Oy vey!!
**My friends who are pregnant - I love you & this is nothing against you or your "condition" heehee -- I am just stuck in my feelings today & wanted to share a
Showing posts with label pregnancy hopes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy hopes. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
psalm 71:14
Maybe it's because we are attempting "this baby thing" again... Maybe it's because it's already been 6 months of "serious" trying, but really at least a year of WANTING it... Maybe it's because I let a little bit of myself believe it'd be easier this time...
Maybe it's just because I'm a girl & all I want with my whole self is to make babies.
Maybe it's because I have faith that my God can do mighty things.
Maybe it's silly, or maybe it seems foolish.
But, whatever "it" is, I am really feeling sensitive lately. I am missing Rowan & Levi bad. Like in those first days after they left us missing them. Sometimes I squeeze Noah so tight & just breath him in...I cannot get enough of that squishy, squirmy, boy smell. I cannot hold him enough, kiss him enough, love him enough...to bring them back. :/ Is it weird to even think that...I don't know.
I cry and cry at the thought that Noah may be my only living child. I cry and cry at how selfish that is, and sounds... I know so many struggling still, wishing, hoping, praying...coveting what we have...longing for this piece of Heaven. When will I stop wanting and taking & just be okay with what we have been given?
I have to admit I think part of the reason I want so much is because I feel that so much has been taken from us. And it has, but I have to come to terms with the fact that NOTHING is owed. And it's hard.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Here we are...
How many weeks: 19 weeks 1 day - can this be?!?!?
How am I feeling: humbled
Doctor’s Appointment: yesterday (03-11), OB, HR 160
Weight Gain: 3 lbs
Maternity Clothes: maternity pants, some maternity tops, mostly flowy summer dresses
Baby Preparation: garage sale next Sat to cleanse all the junk that has piled up in the nursery over the last two years, and then we can start to make the room look like someone will be living there. :0)
Gender: ALL boy
Sleep: I sleep well b/c of the Prometrium. :0)
Best moment this week: Seeing that I was approved for Medicaid!!!
Movement: Feeling him all the time. He's so active! I love it!!
Food cravings: pretty much anything salty...the saltier the better!
What I miss: uhhhh....beer.... :0)
What I am looking forward to: Today. Today is officially the longest I've ever been pregnant.
Milestones: April 15th...24 weeks...Viability day!!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Hip Hip Hooray for Cervical Measurements!!
Today I am 13 weeks pregnant. I am still in such awe and wonder...I hope that never goes away. In past pregnancies I have counted the hours that lead up to the 13 week mark...the last week of the first trimester. This is typically the time in a pregnancy when women will start to be less nervous and breathe easier. But, for me - it is the beginning of the 2nd trimester - the portion of pregnancy in which both of my children left us for Heaven. It is, for me, the beginning of weeks of deep concern.
On Monday, Jan 31st, I'm having my cervical cerclage placed. I'm very excited, as I think it is going to be one of the key elements in making sure we bring this baby home to stay with us. Please be in prayer for us, specifically around 1:00 p.m. (CST). I'll have two weeks of mandatory bed rest and then (fingers crossed), I'll be allowed to move up to modified bed rest - meaning I can get up, go to work for 4-5 hours and then come home and lay in bed (which I have been doing for the last 7 weeks)!!
So, at yesterday's appointment I was a little anxious to get my cervical measurement. However, when the doctor told me - I nearly jumped off the table!! 3.4 cm my friends!!! 3.4cm!! The longest CL I've ever had! Oh, the Lord is so good!!! Hallelujah. We pray for continued 'ease' and peace, as well as long CL and calm uterus!! Prais God!!
Okay, so here is a 'typical' picture of our baby (from this site):
And here is our sweet love. He/she was so squirmy at the u/s it was difficult to get a clear picture (obviously)! But, we are so in love!!
On Monday, Jan 31st, I'm having my cervical cerclage placed. I'm very excited, as I think it is going to be one of the key elements in making sure we bring this baby home to stay with us. Please be in prayer for us, specifically around 1:00 p.m. (CST). I'll have two weeks of mandatory bed rest and then (fingers crossed), I'll be allowed to move up to modified bed rest - meaning I can get up, go to work for 4-5 hours and then come home and lay in bed (which I have been doing for the last 7 weeks)!!
So, at yesterday's appointment I was a little anxious to get my cervical measurement. However, when the doctor told me - I nearly jumped off the table!! 3.4 cm my friends!!! 3.4cm!! The longest CL I've ever had! Oh, the Lord is so good!!! Hallelujah. We pray for continued 'ease' and peace, as well as long CL and calm uterus!! Prais God!!
Okay, so here is a 'typical' picture of our baby (from this site):
And here is our sweet love. He/she was so squirmy at the u/s it was difficult to get a clear picture (obviously)! But, we are so in love!!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Minus One
So, I noticed last night that after my last post I have one less ‘follower.’ I certainly hope it isn’t because I wrote about my new baby on my blog.
I thought long and hard about creating a new blog just for this baby, and then I thought about not doing it. I decided not to make a new blog, but to keep everything here. I am sorry if you cannot bear to read about this baby, and I hope it doesn’t break your heart. I just feel like I’ve connected with such an amazing group of BLMs (and others), and I wonder if we do a dis-service to the community of mom’s when we hide (or shield) our new joys from each other. I have cried with you all, laughed, hoped, prayed and rejoiced with you all. I think that’s the real community-ness of the BLM online ‘group.’
I was envious at each pregnancy announcement, but also thrilled for those of you who have gone on to have a successful pregnancy and welcome a small one to the world. I was saddened when it wasn’t me, but I wasn’t upset with ‘you’ – I just so badly wanted it to be me. I greedily read about each stage of your pregnancies…hoping and praying for the day when it would again be my turn.
All that to say, please take a break or delete me if it makes you feel better, but don’t be offended at my joy. I cannot hide it, nor should I be expected to. How can any of us get upset with each other, knowing the deep, unbearable, losses we have all suffered. And, again, I truly think it’s part of being in community with one another. We share burdens, but we also share hope.
I pray for you all the time.
And, on a different note:
Yesterday we had another OB appointment. I was 10w6d, and we got a cute picture of this little bundle….looking just like a shrimp!
I am growing increasingly anxious about my procedure on the 31st. I keep myself calm by repeating over and over that it’s all part of a life saving plan. It’s what I can do, as a momma, to protect my little one. I think I can do it. I am scared, but mostly of the epidural….and not so much the procedure. Isn’t that weird?
Here is a picture from a pretty cool site I found, you can see the site here.
It puts things into perspective for me. :0)
I thought long and hard about creating a new blog just for this baby, and then I thought about not doing it. I decided not to make a new blog, but to keep everything here. I am sorry if you cannot bear to read about this baby, and I hope it doesn’t break your heart. I just feel like I’ve connected with such an amazing group of BLMs (and others), and I wonder if we do a dis-service to the community of mom’s when we hide (or shield) our new joys from each other. I have cried with you all, laughed, hoped, prayed and rejoiced with you all. I think that’s the real community-ness of the BLM online ‘group.’
I was envious at each pregnancy announcement, but also thrilled for those of you who have gone on to have a successful pregnancy and welcome a small one to the world. I was saddened when it wasn’t me, but I wasn’t upset with ‘you’ – I just so badly wanted it to be me. I greedily read about each stage of your pregnancies…hoping and praying for the day when it would again be my turn.
All that to say, please take a break or delete me if it makes you feel better, but don’t be offended at my joy. I cannot hide it, nor should I be expected to. How can any of us get upset with each other, knowing the deep, unbearable, losses we have all suffered. And, again, I truly think it’s part of being in community with one another. We share burdens, but we also share hope.
I pray for you all the time.
And, on a different note:
Yesterday we had another OB appointment. I was 10w6d, and we got a cute picture of this little bundle….looking just like a shrimp!
I am growing increasingly anxious about my procedure on the 31st. I keep myself calm by repeating over and over that it’s all part of a life saving plan. It’s what I can do, as a momma, to protect my little one. I think I can do it. I am scared, but mostly of the epidural….and not so much the procedure. Isn’t that weird?
Here is a picture from a pretty cool site I found, you can see the site here.
It puts things into perspective for me. :0)
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Amused... Confused...
So, I'm 10w5d preggers today. I LOVE it. I give three cheers to Jesus with each wave of nausea, as I feel like I'm actually having a 'normal' pregnancy. Praise the Lord for exhaustion and sickness. I truly love it. There are so many who would give up all sleep forever, and all settled tummies to experience these things...and I am so blessed. Thank you Jesus.
Oh how we pray for continued normalcy. Although the concept of actually ever holding a new born, alive & responsive, is so beyond the limits of my mind...I am feeling some hope, a little hope, everyday. And, again the unspeakable joy that overwhelms me. I don't know where it comes from, and each time I try to calm myself and tell myself not to get too excited and to take it one day at a time...I just feel such a sense of peace from the Lord and a reassurance that He knows our heartache and He has given us this gift so that we can be joyous.
I applied for Medicaid right after we found out I was pregnant. In Florida, you have to do everything online (super frustrating). It takes 30+ days to get a response. Well, our response came last week, and we were denied Medicaid, but approved for medically needy. Great, except that we have to rack up almost $3500 in medical bills EACH MONTH before they would help us pay for anything. So, I go back online to review all the documentation...there were these mysterious numbers in their system for our income...I mean so mysterious and out of someone's mind. Even when I added up all our monthly income it wasn't even close. In fact, according to Medicaid we bring home about $8200 a month. WOW!!! Someone owes me some serious money!!! I mean that is well over 3x's our monthly income. My husband is in the ministry for goodness sakes and I work part-time!
Anyhow, because of this, today I went to the local Medicaid office. I waited in line for 20 minutes, and was finally able to speak to a guy who wouldn't make eye contact, and seemed so squirmy. After spilling all of my most personal information to him in the smelly, hot, over crowded 'office', I was told to call the Medicaid office to have my problem corrected. So, I said "well, where am I? Isn't this the Medicaid office? Can't I just speak to someone while I'm here?" To which he said, "Well, this is the medicaid office, but there is no one here who can help you and I don't know that much about medicaid." And, I said, "but you work here, and this is the medicaid office." "yes ma'am." "but you can't help me?" " no ma'am. There are like 18 different types of medicaid and I don't know that much about them." "but you work here at the medicaid office, and there is no one else who i can sit and talk to?" "no ma'am, have you tried calling customer service?" "yes that's how I got your location and how I knew to come here." Then, he hands me a business card with a phone number, which I called in the parking lot, and was pushed around a phone system and finally disconnected right after the robot voice told me to call the customer service number - which was the place I called last week that told me to go to the local office, - yeah the one where they hire people to work who don't know about medicaid.
I feel like a rat after some cheese in a maze, only there is no cheese...just cheese flavored air spray....
So, I submitted changes online and have to wait an additional 10+ days to hear if the changes make any difference in our determination of need.
Oh God grant me the serenity!! It was really amusing seeing his face each time I asked if this was in fact the medicaid office. Oh, little red headed medicaid man....you made me flustered and you made me laugh...nice.
Oh how we pray for continued normalcy. Although the concept of actually ever holding a new born, alive & responsive, is so beyond the limits of my mind...I am feeling some hope, a little hope, everyday. And, again the unspeakable joy that overwhelms me. I don't know where it comes from, and each time I try to calm myself and tell myself not to get too excited and to take it one day at a time...I just feel such a sense of peace from the Lord and a reassurance that He knows our heartache and He has given us this gift so that we can be joyous.
I applied for Medicaid right after we found out I was pregnant. In Florida, you have to do everything online (super frustrating). It takes 30+ days to get a response. Well, our response came last week, and we were denied Medicaid, but approved for medically needy. Great, except that we have to rack up almost $3500 in medical bills EACH MONTH before they would help us pay for anything. So, I go back online to review all the documentation...there were these mysterious numbers in their system for our income...I mean so mysterious and out of someone's mind. Even when I added up all our monthly income it wasn't even close. In fact, according to Medicaid we bring home about $8200 a month. WOW!!! Someone owes me some serious money!!! I mean that is well over 3x's our monthly income. My husband is in the ministry for goodness sakes and I work part-time!
Anyhow, because of this, today I went to the local Medicaid office. I waited in line for 20 minutes, and was finally able to speak to a guy who wouldn't make eye contact, and seemed so squirmy. After spilling all of my most personal information to him in the smelly, hot, over crowded 'office', I was told to call the Medicaid office to have my problem corrected. So, I said "well, where am I? Isn't this the Medicaid office? Can't I just speak to someone while I'm here?" To which he said, "Well, this is the medicaid office, but there is no one here who can help you and I don't know that much about medicaid." And, I said, "but you work here, and this is the medicaid office." "yes ma'am." "but you can't help me?" " no ma'am. There are like 18 different types of medicaid and I don't know that much about them." "but you work here at the medicaid office, and there is no one else who i can sit and talk to?" "no ma'am, have you tried calling customer service?" "yes that's how I got your location and how I knew to come here." Then, he hands me a business card with a phone number, which I called in the parking lot, and was pushed around a phone system and finally disconnected right after the robot voice told me to call the customer service number - which was the place I called last week that told me to go to the local office, - yeah the one where they hire people to work who don't know about medicaid.
I feel like a rat after some cheese in a maze, only there is no cheese...just cheese flavored air spray....
So, I submitted changes online and have to wait an additional 10+ days to hear if the changes make any difference in our determination of need.
Oh God grant me the serenity!! It was really amusing seeing his face each time I asked if this was in fact the medicaid office. Oh, little red headed medicaid man....you made me flustered and you made me laugh...nice.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
A new hope
I won a contest a few weeks back (on another blog). I won a 'sign' with any wording I wanted from a place called Everyday Lettering. There were so many gorgeous items and letters. I chose a simple board style for my prize, and the word HOPE. This is our word for the upcoming year.
Here is a picture of my sweet board:
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“From the fullness of grace we have received one blessing after another” - John 1:16
And, now (drum roll please) what we hope for.... A safe, uncomplicated, ordinary, pregnancy. Yes, that's right, I am pregnant with baby #3. We are HOPING and praying with all we have that this sweet little one will join us here in July/August and get to stay for a VERY LONG TIME!! Praise God for He is the healer of broken things, and restorer of lost time!
We prayed for this child and the Lord has granted us what we asked of Him. – I Samuel 1:27
Here is a picture of my sweet love:
**this picture is from about 5 weeks, and I am 8 weeks today!! Oh the Lord has been so good to us!! THREE children!!! Even though Rowan & Levi do not journey here with us...THREE!!! Oh we are most blessed indeed!!
I am seeing the MFM on Monday the 27th. Please join with us in praying that (1) we get approved for medicaid ASAP and (2) cervical lengths are good & I can have the surgery I need very soon!!!
Here is a picture of my sweet board:
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“From the fullness of grace we have received one blessing after another” - John 1:16
And, now (drum roll please) what we hope for.... A safe, uncomplicated, ordinary, pregnancy. Yes, that's right, I am pregnant with baby #3. We are HOPING and praying with all we have that this sweet little one will join us here in July/August and get to stay for a VERY LONG TIME!! Praise God for He is the healer of broken things, and restorer of lost time!
We prayed for this child and the Lord has granted us what we asked of Him. – I Samuel 1:27
Here is a picture of my sweet love:
I am seeing the MFM on Monday the 27th. Please join with us in praying that (1) we get approved for medicaid ASAP and (2) cervical lengths are good & I can have the surgery I need very soon!!!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
in my head
There is an unmistakable ache in my gut. A longing. A desire to be pregnant. It flows to my heart and I'm all consumed by it. I don't pretend or mean to make myself think I'm close to being ready to try again... I don't know if my heart can handle the anxiety of being pregnant, not to mention AF hasn't reared her head yet.
My breast milk is all gone, not even coming with prodding these days. It is bittersweet. The last ounce of my signs of motherhood have slipped away. I do have 6-7 red lines on my belly - stretch marks. They are really all I have left to show that I am, in fact, a mother. I love them. I wonder why women work so hard to make them disappear. To me they are like a badge, yes....I am a mother. Yes my body stretched and grew to give life to one so sweet and small. I love them, and they make me feel loved.
I long for the days in the future, you know they ones you talk about and say 'we'll look back on this someday and laugh.' Yeah, can we skip over the heart wrenching parts and get to laughing?? Although I doubt I'll laugh about this part of our journey even when Jesus gives us the children we so desire.
Hug your children, kiss their tiny faces, tell them they are more special to you than anything/anyone. Don't ever take one single moment, or breath, for granted.
My breast milk is all gone, not even coming with prodding these days. It is bittersweet. The last ounce of my signs of motherhood have slipped away. I do have 6-7 red lines on my belly - stretch marks. They are really all I have left to show that I am, in fact, a mother. I love them. I wonder why women work so hard to make them disappear. To me they are like a badge, yes....I am a mother. Yes my body stretched and grew to give life to one so sweet and small. I love them, and they make me feel loved.
I long for the days in the future, you know they ones you talk about and say 'we'll look back on this someday and laugh.' Yeah, can we skip over the heart wrenching parts and get to laughing?? Although I doubt I'll laugh about this part of our journey even when Jesus gives us the children we so desire.
Hug your children, kiss their tiny faces, tell them they are more special to you than anything/anyone. Don't ever take one single moment, or breath, for granted.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
He'll wipe away the tears
Well, I took the fertility pills last month... Then on Monday I got my period. Alas, no baby this month either... *sigh* I am feeling a bit down, well, 'a bit' doesn't really encompass my heart right now. I'm actually not sure how I feel. I truly believe God has called me to be a momma...and I know my heart cry is to birth babies and raise them up to love Jesus... I don't understand why it's so hard for some, and then so easy for others (some of whom don't even want little sweethearts to adore -- but that's a tangent I will not jump on for now)... I am just hurting now... so forgive me for not having anything insightful to say... I certainly don't feel strong enough for this challenge from the Lord...
and that statement "God will never give you more than you can handle." What a crock...He loads it on so we are FORCED to lean ... lean into Him. I get it...I never wanted to do it on my own... just take it away... please Father... I am so weak and so tired... and so broken...
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I know my Father is loving and I know He desires good for me... I just wish with all of my being it didn't hurt so terribly much to learn the things He teaches...
and that statement "God will never give you more than you can handle." What a crock...He loads it on so we are FORCED to lean ... lean into Him. I get it...I never wanted to do it on my own... just take it away... please Father... I am so weak and so tired... and so broken...
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I know my Father is loving and I know He desires good for me... I just wish with all of my being it didn't hurt so terribly much to learn the things He teaches...
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