Sunday, July 11, 2010

my list

So, since I PPROM'd with Levi and my life began spinning totally out of control - AGAIN, I've had to make lists each day or I'd forget something that needed to be done and only do things that feel like they should be done...i.e. cry, eat, cry, sleep.... So, I'm making these lists and as I mark through each 'duty' I feel myself coming back - I don't mean 'getting back to my old self'' because those days are long gone. I don't think I'd recognize that girl anymore, naive, innocent, believing no sadness would come her way (again).... What the lists do bring me is a sense of belonging, and a small amount of control. As in, at least I can control that this hour I'm going to post two items on craigslist and then balance the check book. Simple things like that...and although there is a bigger list of harder jobs, I'm not there yet.

I forget simple things, and even if I repeat to myself the thing I don't want to forget (over & over) if I don't write it down....poof! Gone.

Anyhow, my milk supply has officially come in. Sigh. As if not having my baby to snuggle isn't bad enough, every moment of every day I'm reminded of his absence as my t.shirt soaks with milk. I could lose it at any moment. With Rowan I had 6 or so weeks of light milk, as I was 13 weeks with him. However, this time around it is thick, like heavy whipping cream. I mean I've considered using it to make cake frosting! I kid, but seriously. I've been trying to suppress the flow, but I think I'm going to break down and buy some cabocreme. It is made with cabbage and supposed to have the same effect without having to wear a wilting cabbage leaf in your bra all day. Have any of you tried this? I apologize for the candor here, but it's my blog and I can say what I want too.

And, in other news, tomorrow is 2 weeks since I delivered my sweet Levi Matthew. I have ordered a necklace from the vintage pearl. It will have both Rowan & Levi's names and their birthstones, August & June. Oh, my heart is broken to a million pieces, and if I could only find them all it would make the mending feel easier. As it is, I feel as though my head will implode every time I'm in a large group of people. People who are living life as though my tiny child did not live and then die 2 weeks ago. It hurts that the world doesn't stop and hurt too. Bad.

And, it hurts that the LAST thing I want to do is 'move on,' or 'get back to normal,' and yet once again that is what the folks around me seem to expect. Oh, she has been through this before, she must know what to do, or she must be 'getting over it' quicker. Actually, this time feels harder. I felt so certain that another loss would never happen to us...we had paid our dues in the heartache department, and we were 'guaranteed' a healthy/happy, squishy little babe of our own - to bring home this time and love forever. One thing I've learned in the last 11 months is that I am guaranteed nothing - save a hard time here on this planet in which I do not belong.


Nicole said...

My heart is breaking for you, Amanda. You are in my prayers often.

Marie W said...

Oh Amamda... I remember those days as well, it was as if Mother nature was slapping me in the face sending more torture my way. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Angela said...

I don't know if you are still leaking milk, but if you are ...

try sage tincture or sage tea. 5 drops of sage tincture in water every 3 hours is what worked for me. The cabbage leaves helped with the inflammation, but the sage was my number one defense. Some people don't want their milk to dry up, but I was desperate for mine to do so. It took about six weeks.

So sorry for the loss of your babies.