Wednesday, August 4, 2010

#100

Just a warning :this may be pretty random...

I've had a really rough few days. Sometimes the pain just sneaks up on you, and it's as if someone has slapped you in the face with a lead glove. The empty ache in the pit of my stomach, the deep despair in my heart, are all too familiar....but never seem easier to bear. Being a mom to two dead children sucks....majorly.

I watch the kids in my neighborhood running, laughing, living...and I'm crying again. I see the pregnant women at Publix or Target, and I'm crying...again. I can spot a preggo a good mile away, and change course pretty quickly these days - it's a skill you pick up being a BLM. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is.

A list of things that make me want to slap a woman:
(1) complaints about being pregnant
(2) complaints about her kids
(3) complaints about stretch marks from being pregnant
(4) snatching a kid by the arm and speaking uber-harshly to them (you know what I'm talking about - there is usually a cigarette dangling from her lips - eerily close to the little kid's face)

I am going to start counseling. As you can tell from reading above, I clearly need to talk to someone. I probably need some type of medication as well. I feel totally out of control of my emotions most of the time, and big crowds of people make me nervous, oh and then there is the idea that I might see someone I know - so I drive to stores that aren't close to my house/work just to be safe. Yeah, I think I need to talk to someone. I am making light of this situation, but it is serious. I have been praying and just really hoping that I'd be able to get things under control on my own....yeah... So, I think it's going to be good. It's through my church, and it makes me excited that the counselor will share my beliefs.

Anyhow, happy 100th post to me. 100, and here I was thinking I didn't have anything to say.

8 comments:

butterflymom said...

I'm so sorry that you have had some really rough days...glad that you are going to talk to someone that may have a better understanding. I truly value counseling...and feels that it has helped me tremendously. Wishing you better days...

Marie W said...

Hugs.....just hugs. I want to slap many for the same reasons you listed. I have been to a counselor, and I can tell you that it really does help. I had many of the same emotions that you describe and my counselor helped me to see that it was my self-conscious way of protecting myself from the many emotions that were just waiting to surface. Praying that you find the right counselor.

Christina said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Your words are very moving to me. Although I haven't experienced this loss personally, I have several friends who have. I will definitely send them over here. Sending you love!

Ashlee said...

Hugs..You deserve and outlet. Counseling would maybe be good. It helped me deal with the 3 miscarriages I had before I had my son.
I am a new follower :)

Natalie said...

Hey I'm a new follower from Friday Follow. If you'd like to check me out I'm at
www.k-kronicles.blogspot.com

I wanted u to know that I admire women that share their feelings and loss w/ others... together we are so much stronger. sending you *hugs, positive energy, love*

Heather said...

Happy 100th post!

I will be thinking of you in the days ahead...

Queen Mother said...

Thank you for your honesty and transparency. May God continue to pour out His grace through a wonderful counselor who can walk with you through this. What a precious mommy you are.

~Jill~ said...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with talking to someone nor is it weak. I personally think it takes someone strong and brave, willing to face their fears and issues head on, to seek counseling.

I wish you luck!