There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we
don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have
to let go. ~Author Unknown
People tell me that I am strong. I wonder what they mean. See, I know that I am a weakling. I know that I am only able to stand there while they tell me that because I'm leaning so hard on Jesus. Levi's due date is fast approaching, along with my 30th birthday and the holiday season. I'm a little stressed to say the least. In fact, the last thing I am (or want to be) is strong.
I am not full of faith, or courage, or strength. I am weak, unsteady and unsure. I have to ask God for guidance and help all day long. I have to ask God for the strength not to punch the pregnant woman smoking behind my office building. I have to ask God to give me peace so that I can show some grace to the mother screaming her head off at her kids in Publix. I have to ask God to help me stand-up when a mom with the tiniest, cutest, baby is headed my way in church, the mall, etc....
The truth is, my heart is breaking. Sometimes it fees like it is literally breaking smaller and smaller every day. Sometimes I wonder how much more it can hurt...and then it hurts some more. We were told yesterday that we are 'sort of' lucky we don't have kids because we have so much more freedom... Freedom for what? Freedom to smack you in the head for saying that? There is a difference in not having children because they died, and not having children because you chose not too. Good grief! Sometimes I wonder if people even hear the words that flow so loosely from their mouths.
Everyday I repeat this prayer: God give me courage to believe in You and Your plan. God give me courage to trust You and Your plan. And God, forgive me when I am lacking both.