Tuesday, June 7, 2011

1000 years

How did we get here?  How did this become our life?

On Sunday, as Matt & I passed by the cemetery where Rowan & Levi's little bodies are buried I commented to him that it's been nearly a year since Levi was born...I couldn't bring myself to say 'and died.'  But I thought it.  And as my eyes filled with tears, I choked out, "doesn't this feel like someone else's life?"  Matt agreed.  I feel as though I've lived 1,000 years in the last 2 years.  I look at pictures of myself from a few years ago and I can hardly believe I'm looking at the same face.  The grief has aged me, and you can see in my eyes that I have lived a long time for someone 'only' 30.  At least I can...

I think about Rowan & Levi so much these days.  Mostly at night before falling asleep, and I think it's because that is when I can feel Noah (so alive) inside...tossing & turning.  Will the pain ever let up?  Most days I don't think I want it to, but then some days I wonder what it would be like not to know the deep sadness of losing a child...not to carry it around...so heavy, all the time...  But, I am so glad to be their momma and I honestly don't know who I'd be without Rowan & Levi, and now Noah.

I always thought that being a parent meant that you would be responsible for teaching and making these little people...but so far they have been the ones teaching and making me...  Does anyone else feel this way?  Am I completely off the reservation?


Radiant Readhead said...

nope you are not of the reservation:-) i feel the same way! Rosie has changed me in ways I never thought possible. She has taught me compassion, understanding, patience, and trusting in God and His plan.

Becky said...

I think you are spot on with that. Liam has taught me more about love and life that could have ever imagined. He made me a whole new person,sad and grieving, but better person.