Monday, August 31, 2009

don't ask me how I am doing....

This is just a warning for any of my real friends reading this. And, by all means ask, but only if you feel strong enough for the truth.

And the truth is, I’m awful. I don't know if I could be feeling anything other than awful. It has been two weeks...just today... And, I have the rest of my life to process the loss of our sweet Rowan.

Of course, I don't sit around all day thinking about slitting my wrists or in a pool of my own tears...although sometimes I do, the tears part that is... Mostly at night, in those moments after I've prayed, and kissed Mattie good night... I can hear him breathing deeply beside me...and I know how much we are both aching...and I lose it over and over again...

But, a lot of the time, if you were to spy on our little home, you’d see a madly in love couple, learning to go about their daily lives. We cook, we eat, we play with Falcor, we listen to music that speaks words we cannot seem to find...and we just love each other...

But, there is just no way I can put on a happy face, or keep up appearances for everyone. And, I've decided that if you are brave enough to ask me how I am, I’m going to tell the truth. The problem with this, is that when I tell a lot of people how I am, they run ...and they run fast. It feels as if people are just waiting for me to feel “better” or "okay" so they don’t feel so uncomfortable speaking to me. Well, I'm not comfortable...in fact this is the complete opposite of comfortable for me...but I don't have the strength, nor do I feel it's my job, to make sure everyone around me/us is comfortable.

Speaking to me, being around me, is not hard. What I am living right now, that is hard...giving birth to my baby, when he was already gone from this world...that was hard... Yeah, and I have to live with this the rest of my life. You want to know how I am...I haven't slept in days... Every time I close my eyes I see the image of my sweet Rowan, in my hands, warm...lifeless...perfect...in my hands....

I don't mean this to sound any way other than what I've stated. If I make you uncomfortable, please avoid me for now... But, for those of you who love me...who know me... I will not pretend that life is back to normal, or even okay. I am so far from that marker...and I have no idea when I'll get there...

God has been so good to us. Giving us family and friends who love us, and who love our sweet angel baby. We pray for His continued guidance and mercy in these days, weeks, years... He is all that is keeping us going...He alone will bring us peace. Please continue to pray with us, and for us... We do need you all...and we love you.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh... My heart was burdened...and in this place I can say whatever I want...

8 comments:

amanda said...

My prayers are with you.

Marty said...

I have no words to offer...no pithy saying that could possibly ease your pain...but this...fall on Jesus, my friend, he will catch you and hold you tight.

Donna said...

I plan to stand with you for as long as in takes, and beyond,in silence if need be. I love you. Forever.

Leah7347 said...

My sister, my friend! My heart aches for you because I know you are not ok. There aren't words known to man that will make you feel better. There is nothing I can say. I just want you know that you can call me and tell me all the awkward things you want. I will listen, I will cry with you, I will pray for you and I will always love you! Let me know if I can do anything love you!

mathew said...

Amanda, we know you are not okay, and that is okay, not to be okay. I love you my sister, and will continue to be here for you and pray.

Becca said...

Hey! Still waiting for you to come by--no matter how you feel! Would love to see you. :)

Brenda Dennis said...

Amanda, I am so glad that you have finally said it out loud, darn right you are greiving and it takes different people different times and things to go through so no one can tell you how or what you should feel. I am here as always waiting to just hold you or cry with you and I always have you in prayer, I love you Momma

Eric said...

In all and most sincere honesty, I respect and love you more for not being fine. Be a mess. The hard part as your friend is not being able to make one of the worst things that can happen to someone better. I know all I can do is pray for the Lord to heal both your hearts and give you the courage to go on and try again. I'm also here if you need anything at all. Hey, you can even call me up and cuss me out if you need to just get it out...you got the number. I love you dearly. -Jen