One Year - Levi Matthew

One year ago, on June 28, 2010, I went into labor with my second child.  Levi.

On June 14, 2010, I went in to see my OB to find out the sex of our precious baby.  It was a boy.  And, then, just like all my other appointments, I was having my cervix measured - only it was too short - far too short.  So, I was rushed to the hospital for an emergency cerclage to sew the cervix shut, and save my son.  But, alas, that was not the grand plan for this part of our journey, and after being put under anesthesia, my water broke at only 17 weeks pregnant.  I then put myself on bed rest for 2 weeks, and on June 28th around noon I began having strong contractions.  We went to the OB and I asked to be admitted to the hospital...she agreed and by 2 p.m. I was in the labor & delivery room where I would meet my son.

At 11:46 p.m. on June 28th Levi Matthew came silently (although quite alive) into our world.  He was breathtaking.  I could not stop staring at him, memorizing every inch of this amazing one, so precious, and so fresh. 

He grabbed my finger, I watched him try to breath, and then I watched in amazement as his little heart beat for over an hour.  AN HOUR.  He crossed into Heaven at 1:05 AM on June 29, 2010.  But, the doctor's said he wouldn't survive the birth - they were wrong - he was a hero.  A warrior boy.  We showered him in our love, and I gave him a million kisses.  He is my heart beat, my beautiful son.  My Levi. 

My heart is forever broken at the loss of him.  But, I look forward to seeing him again on that great day...I know he will be waiting for us inside the gates of Heaven, and I long for the chance to hold him.  My life has been forever altered by his tiny life, and I pray that I never forget what it felt like to have him and love him...if only ever so briefly.

It is Better

Our Pastor said something in his message two Sundays ago that has been on my mind, so I decided to blog about it.  I often read back through old blogs and I am so glad that I keep this record of things going on in our life.  :0)

He was mentioning a Nicholas Sparks' book, and in the book a main character dies.  He said that what the story is trying to convey is that it is better to have experienced great love briefly, than to never experience any love.  The sentence caught me off guard.  My heart was tugged.  This is exactly how I feel about Rowan & Levi. While their deaths were tragic and so overwhelmingly awful, it is better to have been their momma and loved them so entirely - than to never have been pregnant and had them/lost them at all.

I read a lot of blogs, books, forums, etc, about/by/mentioning baby loss moms, and families.  I know more than anyone should ever have to know about the science of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, losing children, reading ultrasounds, deciphering measurements, etc, etc, etc....   I am always taken aback when I come across a woman's story if it leaves me feeling upset.  Before I go any further, let me say, I know that anger is a stage in the grief process - but it's just that - a stage.  And to truly heal (if that is your end goal) you must move on from that 'stage' lest it become a plateau and you remain trapped there forever.  Now, all that being said, this is not meant to be judgmental in tone, nor is it meant to cause pain/hurt, this is merely a path I have walked (more than once) and my opinion(s) based on where I am in the journey - and I'm no where near the finish line.

So, what I was saying...
Some of the stories I read are written in such anger, and disgust.  It breaks my heart.  I know where the anger comes from, I yelled, screamed & cried out to God in anger many times after Rowan died, and again when I was told there was no hope for my Levi.  However, I have come to learn that I was so privileged to be a momma, to be their momma.  I like to think that God knows what He is doing.  It is that belief that gets me out of bed, and helps me stand up and breath all day long.

I guess what I would hate to see is any woman give up on this hope.  Give up and stay put in the angry, dark, places of her grief.  Yes, I get it.  Our children died.  And, no, it most certainly isn't fair.  But, isn't it better to have been with them, to have known of their existence, and to have had them for such a small time...than to have never had them (or worse - never been able to have them)?  I understand that some people who read this may be very new to their loss, and I pray you forgive me if I seem matter-of-fact about things.  But, for me, it is matter-of-fact.  I'm not a cold-hearted woman who has overcome, or 'gotten past' the loss of her children.  I grieve for Rowan & Levi daily.

I have three children, two of them are dead and I'm praying this third one makes it here to stay.  It hurts every day, and I miss them and long to hold them so badly.  When I see other children around the ages they 'should' be I just stare in amazement, and feel a deep longing for my boys.  But, I find peace and mercy in knowing that they are mine (they were mind), and although I cannot be with them now - oh a day is coming...a magnificent day when I'll see them and we will know each other instantly.

I fully believe that God can more closely relate to me, a baby-loss momma, than other momma's.  He too lost a son, He too watched his beloved boy die...  It has brought me such peace to know that even when I feel He's so very far away - He knows and can share in the heartache that I am feeling.

1 Corinthians 14:1 - The Message
Go after a life of love as if your life depended on it—because it does. 

Levi Matthew McCleskey

 My love, my Levi,

  Oh how I cannot keep from wishing you were here now....snuggled next to me...keeping me far too busy to type blogs.  I wish I could complain about being tired, and having a fussy baby.  I cannot stop...

  I miss you sweet boy.  I miss you in every fiber and with every breath.  You consume my thoughts every day, and for me...Heaven cannot come soon enough.  I miss you so much, and my only comfort (often) is knowing that I'll spend all of eternity making up the time I'm missing with you now.

  My heart aches, quite literally, for you.  My mind aches from constantly thinking about you.  Oh, sweet love how I miss you.  Did you know that today was your due date...today Thanksgiving day....and you should be coming home with me and daddy today.  Instead you run the streets of Heaven with your brother, Rowan.  Oh you two have all of my heart...I love you so.

  Happy Thanksgiving my angel.  For you I am most thankful.


~momma
xoxoxoxoxo

now

Tomorrow, February 25, 2010, is my due date. Was my due date... Rowan - you came much too soon. You went rushing into Heaven, but who could blame you?

I would give anything (read: any THING) to be holding you now, birthing you now, painfully awaiting your arrival... Anything. But, my small, angelic love, it was not to be... I tell myself you were too much for this world, and Jesus needed you for some amazing work in Heaven. I miss you. I miss you so much. It boggles my mind to miss you so much, someone I never really knew....but I knew you - didn't I... I miss you. My arms long to hold you.

I keep opening up this bottle of baby detergent from Matt's mom...it smells like babies. It smells so good. I washed all your little clothes in it...so they smell good too. I have a piece of the blanket, the other half, of the one you were buried in...it sometimes makes me feel better when I can hold it. I didn't want to let you go. If you were here now I'd hold you all you wanted, and I might never put you down. I love you so my sweet babe. And your daddy, he really misses you too.


Ten Things I have learned since our baby died (there are so many, but I simply had to narrow it down):

(1) I have learned that my husband loves me. He is my supporter and my friend. He is forgiving, kind-hearted and gentle. He is my protector, my hero and the love of my life.

(2) I am the saddest of all types of mothers. My arms are empty, Rowan's crib is empty, and my womb is perhaps the emptiest place of all.

(3) Sometimes people want to be nice to you, but they get in the way of themselves.

(4) Words don't always improve a situation, and sometimes being quiet is the best gift that you can give.

(5) My family is amazing.

(6) God always gives far more than we deserve.

(7) Jesus saved my soul from being eternally separated from Him, and promised me a place with Him in Heaven. He has also promised to forgive me when I forget the things He has done for me, so long as I repent and turn my heart back to Him. Sometimes that means everyday...

(8) The loss of a child is deeply sad, and terrible. Our lives have been forever changed, and who we are becoming will be greatly molded by the short life of our baby.

(9) Rowan's life mattered. It mattered to me, to Matt, and most of all it mattered to Jesus.

(10) There will be a time of jubilation, and great joy, when we meet our baby in Heaven. And we will, meet Rowan in Heaven.

So great is His unfailing love

Lamentations 3:31-33 "For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion,so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

Oh my heart hurts today. I cannot explain, or understand the waves of my grief. I can only sway back and forth with the pain and then also with the hope I often feel.

At times I am overwhelmed with emotions that I don't even have words to describe. I can only guess that I am feeling a new level of growth...but it doesn't feel like I'm growing, especially when there are days like today. I think some of it has to do with my birthday being this week. Turning 29 this coming Friday has had me thinking about what I've really been doing with myself. All of my life...not just now, but like...the greater meaning of it all.

I miss my baby. I got a letter in the mail from our insurance company. It was a letter congratulating me on being over half-way through my pregnancy. I ripped it up and wanted to barf all over it. But, instead I just threw it away -- I didn't even recycle it. I would have been able to feel him kicking and so would you, if you saw me and wanted to touch my belly--I would have let you feel him kicking. I wouldn't be avoiding the girl at work who keeps showing off pictures of her new grandbaby--and I'd be showing off Rowan's pictures too. I would have done a lot of things. But, I also wouldn't have done some other things.

I miss my baby. I miss the feeling of being full of life, and of knowing that only I could be called his momma. I miss the way my husband used to look at my belly and talk to our baby - when he was so small and had no way to hear him yet. I miss the way people didn't avoid talking to me so that they don't have to hear about my dead baby. I miss my baby. I miss my baby. I miss our baby.

Bleeeeeehhhhhhhh...

So here's my birthday toast to myself!! Here's to another year. A good year. A year of heartache, a year of sweet loving from my sweet husband, a year of learning and laughing, a year of becoming a momma and losing a child. And, here's to my 29th year, may God hold me closer than ever before.

you know what I mean

"How are you Amanda" she said, and then, looking deep into my eyes, "you do know what I'm talking about don't you?"

I wanted to slap her. Of course I know. I think every second of every day about my baby. I bolt awake in the night, nearly every night, thinking of his tiny body in my hands. Yes, I know what you are talking about. I know what you mean. Stop looking at me like that...

On an unrelated note:

I have been reading "The Shack" for the past few days, and it is taking a while because (1) it's sad, (2) it makes me think about how I see God & my relationship with Him and (3) it's really deep and it's forcing me to think about stuff I may not have been ready to deal with...since my 'great sadness' has begun.

On page 104 God speaks to the main character, Mack, and says this, "As much as you are able, rest in what trust you have in me, no matter how small, okay?" I'm pretty sure this is the same thing God has been saying to me over and over since Rowan died. The idea I'm picking up on as I read this book is that it's never about God forcing us, humans, to do anything...but always about the choices we make with what is put in front of us.

this way

I think I am depressed.
I have zero motivation.
I am as BIG as a house.
Sleep is all I seem to do well...
and that is only with the help of my friend, Ambien.

I work. I come home. I laugh. I eat.
I sleep. I tell Mattie, 'I love you.' (repeat)

I'm not suicidal or anything -- I am just really ambivalent.
Just stuck...in this mood...this gray, fog-like feeling.
Easily upset. Crying even.

I'm reading, I'm writing, I'm praying... What...

Life is full of ups and downs, right?
My hope is in Him, right?
My husband loves me no matter what, right?
It's not my fault, right?

So, why do I feel so burdened by the death of our baby?
Why do I feel so singularly responsible?
Why does it continue to ache so badly?
Why do other people's babies make me cringe?
Why...

"Why me" is what my heart screams. My head quickly tries to answer.
But seriously... why me?!

**Also, people who are pregnant should stop complaining about things that would make my heart leap to be troubled by... I mean really, maternity clothes are adorable and so are big bellies swollen with the promise of new life... Be thankful... ugh.

From "The Shack" - seriously...have you read this book...Ah-mah-zing!!

This is EXACTLY what I feel...EXACTLY!!

"The Great Sadness had draped itself around Mack's shoulders like some invisible but almost tangibly heavy quilt. The weight of its presence dulled his eyes and stooped his shoulders. Even his efforts to shake it off were exhausting, as if his arms were sewn into its bleak folds of despair and he had somehow become part of it. He ate, worked, loved, dreamed and played in this garment of heaviness, weighed down as if he were wearing a leaden bathrobe -- trudging daily through the murky despondence that sucked the color out of everything. At times he could feel The Great Sadness slowly tightening around his chest and heart like the crushing coils of a constrictor, squeezing liquid from his eyes until he thought there no longer remained a reservoir."

in honor of Rowan

daddy & momma miss you so dear one...

pictures from the last time I held my baby

Here are some pictures from Rowan's funeral. We are blessed beyond words with family, friends and fellow believers. Praise God for all of those who have stood beside us as we journey through this trying time.


Jeff did a wonderful job of sharing The Word,
and honoring our tiny angel.


pictures of Rowan, and the elephant from Josh (you're the best). Rowan was buried on top of Matt's great grandmother's casket. It was so incredible of the funeral home to allow us to use the same plot. All we paid for was the headstone for Rowan. It should be here in about 2 weeks, the stone in this picture is for Matt's great-grandmother (who was one of the 1st to be buried at Roselawn in 1972).





our Rowan was loved by so many...

remembering

October 17, 2009. 2 months ago my little sweetness left this place for his Heavenly home. Rest tight with Jesus my angel. O' how I miss you. My heart is sore from missing our baby...

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

There is a room I dare not go...

it is full of silly lions, and zebras ...
all the things that I prepared for you
there’s a crib that lies empty
and a swing standing silently
diapers, creams, lotions and powder
blankets, shoes, tiny hangers and clothes

the pain is immense when I pass through this room
my heart is torn open again and again

so I rush past the door so that I don’t think about it
rush out the front door so I don’t think about it
rush to bed so I don’t think about it
rush...because the pain is too big

Everyday is a production, a play, and I’m just an actress
doing her best to smile and stand up straight

Oh God... Help me because I cannot help myself.

From a Jordin Sparks song :
made me think of how I’ve been feeling this week -

If I should die before I wake
it's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there

But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath, but I survived

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there

never in vain

I cry out to the Lord to let the brief time we had with Rowan mean something to someone other than me... I beg Him... I want to know I'm not the only one who will forever remember Rowan, not the only one who will be blessed by his time here...

I received an e-mail from a friend last week... I am in awe of Jesus again and again. He will use everything for His glory...EVERYTHING. Though my heart aches for a child I'll never hold, never snuggle, never know this side of Heaven...Rowan is touching lives and has made me the proudest momma I know!

Here is part of the e-mail I received:

My story is brief and I hope it doesn't upset you in any way. God truly works in mysterious ways. The day after I received your first Rowans Hope bog with the photo of Rowan, one of my coworkers was talking about her step daughter just finding out she was expecting and how she was encouraging her to terminate the pregnancy because she wasn't married and still in college. She was around 12 weeks pregnant and she was saying that it's not really a baby until she's further along. I asked her into my office and showed her the photo of Rowan and asked her which part of that child was not a baby. She was so profoundly moved she left work and called her step daughter. She is now about 18 weeks pregnant and her outlook on this pregnancy has completely changed. Because of Rowan, there is another little baby that gets the chance at life.

Again, i hope this doesn't upset you as it's a very happy outcome. I just wanted you to know that your angel is already working from heaven.!!

Please visit the website my amazing husband has created. We are working with our local March of Dimes chapter to make something wonderful, and this website is only the beginning.

May God bless each of you who reads our posts, and passes on our website. May God show His loving mercy in your lives, and the lives of those that you tell of the story of little Rowan. Please continue to pray for our family as we need your prayers daily.

Each day is so hard, but I keep telling myself to get up...Jesus will catch you today just as He has caught you every other day...get up. I don't feel stronger, but I know that God is strong enough for me and Him... I also know that I have to choose each day to live a life that honors Rowan.

breakdown

I really miss Rowan today. Mondays are really difficult for me, as they mark one more week that he is gone... Today is week 5. When I say it, or write it, that time frame seems so small. But when I feel it...it is a HUGE span of days, hours, minutes...

I realized today as I drove home from work (and began sobbing uncontrollably) that it isn't the days I'm struggling to get through...it is the moments. I don't know if that is a step forward or backward, or maybe just sideways... I don't know why I feel like I need to be moving forward..or anywhere for that matter...

Another friend announced the 'good news' of her pregnancy this week. yay for babies for everyone else but me... I keep deleting people on FB when they start writing about their babies that are coming, or posting ultrasound pictures. I'm awful, I must admit. I wonder how many women looked at my ultrasound pictures and wept for their lost little babes? I hope it was none.

I've been reading tons of books, and surprisingly, not many of them make me feel better. It's weird how even people who have lived through this type of heartache still can't seem to reach each other...

I am puzzled that in our world of so many scientific phenomenons, we can't change this 'spontaneous abortion' epidemic... Did you know that less than $10 million dollars each year is spent on research for women who have experienced the loss of a child. Or were you aware that most, if not all, insurance companies and doctors/hospitals require a woman to suffer 2-3 'late losses' before they will approve of testing for things that if treated could save her the heartache?! Late loss is just another way to say 20+ weeks. Are they saying that before 20 weeks there is no reason to test, because there is not really a 'human' baby growing in the womb or because it is just a 'clump of cells'??



Take a look at my precious baby, and tell me he isn't big enough, or perfect enough to be ENOUGH for a test to tell me why... We lost Rowan during the time when the majority of women who have elective abortions do so. 12-14 weeks.

This is a lot of jumbled information, but I'm flustered now. I will come back to this... Please join me in praying for doctors who perform abortions, people who support abortions, those who have to live with the guilt/shame of having an abortion. Please also pray for me.

one

momma and daddy miss you. we love you.
you have been gone for one month. one very long month.
you have blessed our lives in ways we could not have imagined.
Praise be to God for giving us the gift of your tiny, brief, life.

don't ask me how I am doing....

This is just a warning for any of my real friends reading this. And, by all means ask, but only if you feel strong enough for the truth.

And the truth is, I’m awful. I don't know if I could be feeling anything other than awful. It has been two weeks...just today... And, I have the rest of my life to process the loss of our sweet Rowan.

Of course, I don't sit around all day thinking about slitting my wrists or in a pool of my own tears...although sometimes I do, the tears part that is... Mostly at night, in those moments after I've prayed, and kissed Mattie good night... I can hear him breathing deeply beside me...and I know how much we are both aching...and I lose it over and over again...

But, a lot of the time, if you were to spy on our little home, you’d see a madly in love couple, learning to go about their daily lives. We cook, we eat, we play with Falcor, we listen to music that speaks words we cannot seem to find...and we just love each other...

But, there is just no way I can put on a happy face, or keep up appearances for everyone. And, I've decided that if you are brave enough to ask me how I am, I’m going to tell the truth. The problem with this, is that when I tell a lot of people how I am, they run ...and they run fast. It feels as if people are just waiting for me to feel “better” or "okay" so they don’t feel so uncomfortable speaking to me. Well, I'm not comfortable...in fact this is the complete opposite of comfortable for me...but I don't have the strength, nor do I feel it's my job, to make sure everyone around me/us is comfortable.

Speaking to me, being around me, is not hard. What I am living right now, that is hard...giving birth to my baby, when he was already gone from this world...that was hard... Yeah, and I have to live with this the rest of my life. You want to know how I am...I haven't slept in days... Every time I close my eyes I see the image of my sweet Rowan, in my hands, warm...lifeless...perfect...in my hands....

I don't mean this to sound any way other than what I've stated. If I make you uncomfortable, please avoid me for now... But, for those of you who love me...who know me... I will not pretend that life is back to normal, or even okay. I am so far from that marker...and I have no idea when I'll get there...

God has been so good to us. Giving us family and friends who love us, and who love our sweet angel baby. We pray for His continued guidance and mercy in these days, weeks, years... He is all that is keeping us going...He alone will bring us peace. Please continue to pray with us, and for us... We do need you all...and we love you.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh... My heart was burdened...and in this place I can say whatever I want...

a prayer

2 Corinthians 4:16-18:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen in eternal."

introductions

Rowan McCleskey.
born into Heaven 08-17-09.
12.5 weeks old.
"a moment in our arms, forever in our hearts."

mommy and daddy cannot wait to hold you. we miss you in every way possible, and we will be with you soon. we love you so...

Glory baby

there will never be any words good enough for my sweet Rowan.
but these from the Watermark song 'Glory Baby' have deeply touched our souls.

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…