breakdown

I really miss Rowan today. Mondays are really difficult for me, as they mark one more week that he is gone... Today is week 5. When I say it, or write it, that time frame seems so small. But when I feel it...it is a HUGE span of days, hours, minutes...

I realized today as I drove home from work (and began sobbing uncontrollably) that it isn't the days I'm struggling to get through...it is the moments. I don't know if that is a step forward or backward, or maybe just sideways... I don't know why I feel like I need to be moving forward..or anywhere for that matter...

Another friend announced the 'good news' of her pregnancy this week. yay for babies for everyone else but me... I keep deleting people on FB when they start writing about their babies that are coming, or posting ultrasound pictures. I'm awful, I must admit. I wonder how many women looked at my ultrasound pictures and wept for their lost little babes? I hope it was none.

I've been reading tons of books, and surprisingly, not many of them make me feel better. It's weird how even people who have lived through this type of heartache still can't seem to reach each other...

I am puzzled that in our world of so many scientific phenomenons, we can't change this 'spontaneous abortion' epidemic... Did you know that less than $10 million dollars each year is spent on research for women who have experienced the loss of a child. Or were you aware that most, if not all, insurance companies and doctors/hospitals require a woman to suffer 2-3 'late losses' before they will approve of testing for things that if treated could save her the heartache?! Late loss is just another way to say 20+ weeks. Are they saying that before 20 weeks there is no reason to test, because there is not really a 'human' baby growing in the womb or because it is just a 'clump of cells'??



Take a look at my precious baby, and tell me he isn't big enough, or perfect enough to be ENOUGH for a test to tell me why... We lost Rowan during the time when the majority of women who have elective abortions do so. 12-14 weeks.

This is a lot of jumbled information, but I'm flustered now. I will come back to this... Please join me in praying for doctors who perform abortions, people who support abortions, those who have to live with the guilt/shame of having an abortion. Please also pray for me.