Monday, July 26, 2010

feeling without any feelings

Everyday is a roller coaster. I wake up, tell myself that it will be a good day, and then I put my feet on the ground. Everyday is the day that I'm not pregnant anymore. Everyday is a day closer to 30 and closer to Levi's due date, closer to the one year anniversary of Rowan's death....everyday....

Sometimes I forget to breath. The ache is a heaviness that sits on my chest, pressing down...pressing, deep down.

I miss the flutters, and the ultrasounds, and the vitamins, and the sweet way Matt rubbed my tummy and I miss my baby. I miss my son. I hate it. HATE it. I hate the sadness that sweeps over me when I'm at the grocery store, and the way a song can make me cry before I even register the words. When I see a pregnant woman I cannot turn my gaze fast enough. The pain is an ocean.

Letters from insurance companies and bills from hospitals, doctors, anesthesiologists fill our mail box. A bill came today it read 'vaginal delivery' $xxxx.00. I threw it out. Really. I delivered my son in the bathroom at the hospital, by myself. There was no doctor there, no nurse ...nurses came after Levi was out, and the doctor maybe 30 minutes later. Seriously. A bill for a baby that I'll never hold again. I could have puked.

Anyway, I'm just sad. Brokenhearted. Anguished. Did you know anguish means 'agony, torment, torture'. That's probably exactly how I feel today.

5 comments:

Whitney Anderson said...

Reading your post just makes me feel sick. That's all we can do, is get up every day and try to get through it. As bad as my situation is, I always feel even worse for women like you who have had later losses. I really just can't imagine. I am so sorry.

Allison (Ali) said...

I'm sorry that you have having a rough day. I know that getting the hospital bills after we lost Cadynce just about broke me. Chris had to check the mail and go through it so I wouldnt see them.

I hope your day gets better

Marie W said...

Sending hugs your way. I have always thought that hospitals where women have miscarriages and/or stillbirths should offer free services. The pain is hard enough to deal with and seeing the bills is like a knife in the heart.

~Jill~ said...

My eyes seriously welled up with tears reading this. I can't even begin to say anything that would ever help, but I do know that God is there for you. I pray He holds you close and that you FEEL Him close whenever you feel this way.

Rachel said...

I found your blog through "five questions" and had to comment. I just wanted to tell you what a warrior mamma you are. You and so many others are my hero. I have had struggles with pregnancy and it is people like you that I look up to. You are amazing.