Tangled Up

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”  ~Helen Keller

All the feelings get all jumbled sometimes.  I feel happy today, but guilty for feeling good when I am so sad because both my babies are gone so far away.  Then I feel ridiculous for feeling guilty, because I am a bereaved mother and I am dealing with my grief as it comes (and it comes in waves).  Ugh.

I have gone from being a confident, naive, young woman to a wise(r)?! I hope, older woman, in the past year.  I know myself much more deeply, and am so sure of my convictions...  But I am completely unsure of my 'feelings.'  It's the confusing emotionality of grief that gets me twisted up.  Is this even making sense?

I am not afraid.  I know my hope is secure, I know where my children are, and I know where I'm headed.  I am not afraid.  There can be nothing so devastating, or painful, as losing a child (save for losing another - both of which I've already done....)  I am not afraid.  For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. (II Tim 1:7)


Why is it then that when the flood of emotion starts to rise up...I freeze.  I have no idea, literally, of what to do with the emotions.  Do I put on a smile, say I'm doing okay, and keep walking?  Do I wallow in the depths of the pain and anger?

I have no answers yet...but I'm not giving up!  I am victorious.  I am a warrior momma.

I miss my boys so terribly much.  This month will be 14 months since Rowan went to Heaven...he would be nearly 8 months old if he had made it to his due date...  8 months old!!  Wow.  And Levi will have been gone 4 months at the end of October.  I was 17 weeks when my water broke....  I hate getting to the point in this 'after-life' - you BLMs know what I mean...the place where they have been gone longer than they got to stay!?!  HATE it.  HATE. it.

feeling without any feelings

Everyday is a roller coaster. I wake up, tell myself that it will be a good day, and then I put my feet on the ground. Everyday is the day that I'm not pregnant anymore. Everyday is a day closer to 30 and closer to Levi's due date, closer to the one year anniversary of Rowan's death....everyday....

Sometimes I forget to breath. The ache is a heaviness that sits on my chest, pressing down...pressing, deep down.

I miss the flutters, and the ultrasounds, and the vitamins, and the sweet way Matt rubbed my tummy and I miss my baby. I miss my son. I hate it. HATE it. I hate the sadness that sweeps over me when I'm at the grocery store, and the way a song can make me cry before I even register the words. When I see a pregnant woman I cannot turn my gaze fast enough. The pain is an ocean.

Letters from insurance companies and bills from hospitals, doctors, anesthesiologists fill our mail box. A bill came today it read 'vaginal delivery' $xxxx.00. I threw it out. Really. I delivered my son in the bathroom at the hospital, by myself. There was no doctor there, no nurse ...nurses came after Levi was out, and the doctor maybe 30 minutes later. Seriously. A bill for a baby that I'll never hold again. I could have puked.

Anyway, I'm just sad. Brokenhearted. Anguished. Did you know anguish means 'agony, torment, torture'. That's probably exactly how I feel today.

i do not like this

It's been 5 months. 5. That is a long time. And in a few weeks it will have been 6 months. I haven't written in some time. It's been tough recently because all the girls who got pregnant around the same time as me are now having their babies, and I am so happy for them...but extremely saddened at the same time.

My due date was in February, and I could have been having the baby any day now. My tummy would have been so big and round.

So, Mattie and I are going away for a while. We are leaving in about an hour and we will be gone for an entire week. I cannot wait to be away and just be with him. We need this down time to relax and get back into a peaceful place with each other.

Blessings.