Thursday, September 2, 2010

in my head

There is an unmistakable ache in my gut.  A longing.  A desire to be pregnant.  It flows to my heart and I'm all consumed by it.  I don't pretend or mean to make myself think I'm close to being ready to try again...  I don't know if my heart can handle the anxiety of being pregnant, not to mention AF hasn't reared her head yet. 

My breast milk is all gone, not even coming with prodding these days.  It is bittersweet.  The last ounce of my signs of motherhood have slipped away.  I do have 6-7 red lines on my belly - stretch marks.  They are really all I have left to show that I am, in fact, a mother.  I love them.  I wonder why women work so hard to make them disappear.  To me they are like a badge, yes....I am a mother.  Yes my body stretched and grew to give life to one so sweet and small.  I love them, and they make me feel loved.

I long for the days in the future, you know they ones you talk about and say 'we'll look back on this someday and laugh.'  Yeah, can we skip over the heart wrenching parts and get to laughing??  Although I doubt I'll laugh about this part of our journey even when Jesus gives us the children we so desire. 

Hug your children, kiss their tiny faces, tell them they are more special to you than anything/anyone.  Don't ever take one single moment, or breath, for granted. 


Ausmerican Housewife said...

I've got stretch marks a plenty from Evan. My milk never came in. (Evan didn't and wouldn't need it.) I took drugs to stop it from coming in. I just couldn't deal with it. Having a supply of food for my child that would never eat it? Talk about cruel and unusualy punishment! I too long to get pregnant again. I spent a whole 9 months preparing myself for staying at home with Evan and then all of a sudden, I'm at home alone. No baby. Husband at work most days. Dreading when the phone will ring and it's my boss offering me a shift and my maternity leave will truly be over. :'(

Design It Chic said...

Hi Amanda, i came here from SITS and i felt so moved by your post today! I pray that Lord will guide you through your path and give you what He has already planned for you!
Big hugs >:D<

Radiant Readhead said...

I never actually thought of my stretch marks that way, but now you have made me appreciate them. I guess I just got so frustrated because I had been in the best shape of my life prior to getting pregnant (just back from Army training) and I had a four pack, and was the thinnest I had been in years. then I got pregnant, put on bed rest, told i could not run anymore, gained 58 lbs, got stretch marks, thought it would all be worth it when I had my baby, and then lost her! I was so upset, that I resented my stretch marks, bigger hip, pooch, etc. however, now that you mention it, they are the only proof I was a mother (other than my pictures of my perfect daughter). I DO NOT miss the engorged boobs though....when not only my heart, but my body was screaming for my dead daughter! that was AWFUL!!!! thank God for narcotics!! lol. I hope you are doing better, and hopefully we will both have a living child soon!