Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Jumpstart Week Day 3

This week I'm going to be blogging along with the SITS gals.

They posted a neat idea last Friday, and you can read about it here.  They are also going to be giving someone a really rad washer/dryer combo thingy, so maybe you want to blog along too.  (just read all the rules).

Wednesday, September 15
Re-upload a post with a title that you are particularly proud of 
and explain why.

Perhaps I'm more proud of the actual message in the blog, than the title, but I think it's worth sharing again.  I wrote this entry shortly after Rowan died.   I had seen so many book titles, and blogs with 'silent', 'alone', 'unspoken' in the title and I was over it already.  I strongly believe that BLMs should tell their stories and mention their or dead.  I don't think it should be a secret when a baby dies.  It happened, it burns and aches, and I am going to talk about it.  *stepping down from soap box*

Here is the post from August 31, 2009:

Don't ask me how I'm doing!

This is just a warning for any of my real friends reading this. And, by all means ask, but only if you feel strong enough for the truth.

And the truth is, I’m awful. I don't know if I could be feeling anything other than awful. It has been two weeks...just today... And, I have the rest of my life to process the loss of our sweet Rowan.

Of course, I don't sit around all day thinking about slitting my wrists or in a pool of my own tears...although sometimes I do, the tears part that is... Mostly at night, in those moments after I've prayed, and kissed Mattie good night... I can hear him breathing deeply beside me...and I know how much we are both aching...and I lose it over and over again...

But, a lot of the time, if you were to spy on our little home, you’d see a madly in love couple, learning to go about their daily lives. We cook, we eat, we play with Falcor, we listen to music that speaks words we cannot seem to find...and we just love each other...

But, there is just no way I can put on a happy face, or keep up appearances for everyone. And, I've decided that if you are brave enough to ask me how I am, I’m going to tell the truth. The problem with this, is that when I tell a lot of people how I am, they run ...and they run fast. It feels as if people are just waiting for me to feel “better” or "okay" so they don’t feel so uncomfortable speaking to me. Well, I'm not fact this is the complete opposite of comfortable for me...but I don't have the strength, nor do I feel it's my job, to make sure everyone around me/us is comfortable.

Speaking to me, being around me, is not hard. What I am living right now, that is birth to my baby, when he was already gone from this world...that was hard... Yeah, and I have to live with this the rest of my life. You want to know how I am...I haven't slept in days... Every time I close my eyes I see the image of my sweet Rowan, in my hands, my hands....

I don't mean this to sound any way other than what I've stated. If I make you uncomfortable, please avoid me for now... But, for those of you who love me...who know me... I will not pretend that life is back to normal, or even okay. I am so far from that marker...and I have no idea when I'll get there...

God has been so good to us. Giving us family and friends who love us, and who love our sweet angel baby. We pray for His continued guidance and mercy in these days, weeks, years... He is all that is keeping us going...He alone will bring us peace. Please continue to pray with us, and for us... We do need you all...and we love you.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh... My heart was burdened...and in this place I can say whatever I want...

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