Friday, October 8, 2010


Integrated:  combined, interspersed, mingled, mixed, unified

My children are no longer with me in physical form.  I miss them, every moment of every day, I miss them.  I ache for them with a deep, soul, ache that cannot be captured in words, or explained.  My arms feel the weight of their emptiness.  My heart feels the emptiness of this wait.  

The lives and deaths of Rowan and Levi are so integrated within my life.  Every part of my life is touched by them, and this life chosen for me by God.  I miss these children...  I think it may be akin to phantom limb syndrome.  

 Have you heard of this?  When someone loses a leg, arm, etc., they still have the sensation of the body part being there.  After Levi died, knowing full well that I birthed him (felt the pain, no drugs, birthed him) - I would wake up for weeks...feeling him still moving, tumbling, around in my womb. And even still, my arms literally ache to hold them...and sometimes feel as if I've just laid them down.

 As Levi's due date approaches I am becoming more anxious and irritable.  I SHOULD be 8 months pregnant swollen with his life that I can't see my feet!  Instead, I'm lying here...without him...writing about a memory of a child...MY child...MY SON.  I miss this sweet, strong, valiant, boy.  My boy.

And, my Rowan....taken back to Heaven so soon...  We hardly had the time to rejoice in your coming, and you were already going.  We miss you love.  

My sweet angel babes ~

We miss you too much for words.  Daddy & momma love you and miss you terribly.  We wait here, impatiently, for the day when we are all reunited and you two show us all your favorite Heavenly places.  

xoxo - mom


MrsH said...

Hey, I also thought I felt Adrian move after giving birth to him. I thought I was crazy. I am relieved to see that others actually experience it as well.

Ashley E said...

I am so sorry. God has a big idea for you, I know it. Stay strong, and lean on Him.

Marie W said...

I had the same thing with both babies! I though I was going crazy.

Alex said...

Sending you hugs Amanda. I would imagine that's exactly how it feels with the Phantom Limb Syndrome.