Capture Your Grief, Days 28, 29 & 30

Capture Your Grief.  Day 28: WISDOM.

  

Today's prompt asks, "Do you have any words that you would like to share about grief that might help others that are on this journey as well? Maybe it is something wise that someone once said to you or maybe it is something you read by someone else."

This is a picture of Levi's hand/foot print. So tiny. So perfectly amazing. 

Words I'd like to share about grief. First this, EVERYTHING comes from the Father. We are nothing apart from Him. This verse - some days, when I couldn't breath...just couldn't catch my breath from underneath the heavy blanket of sadness....this verse... I would say it aloud over & over. It was on our message board at home, posted to the fridge...written on my hand. Isaiah 49:15(c)-16 "I will not forget you. See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands. Your walls are ever before me." He is honest & He KEEPS His promises. He is ALWAYS good. Because He too lost a son, I knew that He could truly grasp & understand & FEEL my grief.

And, the second thing is this... Life. Goes. On. It sucks. It's a hard truth to swallow, but life does indeed go on... Sometimes it feels meaningless, but a lot of times it just feels like ... life. Just going on. I have determined to "live well" as a way of honoring our children. At first I just couldn't move, I was paralyzed by grief, and then it hit me. What honor does it bring to their tiny existence if I give up living too, if I just decide that my life will not go on? So, I became intentional about sharing our story. Their story. Their lives. Our lives. Life, it seems, does go on.

Capture Your Grief.  Day 29: REFLECT.  

 Take today to reflect on this past month. 

What is your relationship with grief like right now?  Is it still the same? Has anything changed? What have you learned about yourself and your grief?

 It is always with me.  I carry it with me like a security blanket....  Not because I need it, but it's something very important to me...  My grief reminds me of how BIG my  Savior is, how kind & merciful.  It reminds me that I am nothing outside of Christ.  The days are not so heavy, as they were in the beginning.  Having our miracle boy here helps pull me from the grief days.  I used to be stuck, like in quick sand, and I was sinking deeper and deeper as I struggled to get a breath, to get a handle on something....anything...  Nowadays I can keep those feelings far away by reminding myself of the tremendous blessings that came from each pregnancy, each life, each death. 

Capture Your Grief.  Day 30: INTENTION.

We are prayerfully considering starting a local SHARE group (hopefully/prayerfully through my church), in honor of Rowan & Levi.  You can learn more about SHARE, here.

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What is "Capture Your Grief"?  Read about it here.

Or, just join in the photo project by following these prompts:

Capture Your Grief. Day 27. Express.

Day 27: EXPRESS. This is the day in month where you can say whatever it is on your heart that you would like. Find your voice. What is it that you want to express Is there anything that you want the world to know about your grief or children?

Capture Your Grief. Day 27.  Express. 
I copied this segment from another blogger almost 2 years ago...it's been sitting "saved" on my blog in an empty, title-less, blog just waiting....  It fits so perfectly with today's photo prompt.  I wish I could give credit to the writer, but I cannot find her page anymore...  Alas, here are her words, written as if from my own heart...


"But a tiny fraction of my heart is also paralyzed with fear that Monday is right around the corner and I am soon to realize everyone else has moved on from this…leaving me to continue in this desert. Its not that I fear being alone in it – its that I fear, partly, the someday I WILL move on too and somehow that will symbolize it doesn’t hurt so bad, it wasn’t as bad as I remember, etc. One day I will be a visitor to these emotions and this experience and not the resident I am currently." 

 Rowan, 08-17-09, miscarried 13w2d

 Levi Matthew, 06/28/10-06/29/10
born at 19 week gestation, passed away after 1hr 19min

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What is "Capture Your Grief"?  Read about it here.

Or, just join in the photo project by following these prompts:

Capture Your Grief. Days 21-26

Capture Your Grief.  Day 21.  Relationship.

 

Sister friends!! Love these ladies so very much. 

Many hours of laughter, dance parties & various shenanigans... Much healing!!

Capture Your Grief. Day 22.  Self-Care.

 

Self-care is extremely important when it comes to healing. So slow down and be gentle with yourself today. Do something that brings you joy, something that feeds your soul and allows you to re-charge. See where your thoughts take you.
 

Capture Your Grief. Day 23.  Inspiration.

 

Noah came to us after the two most terrible losses that people can imagine. Two babies gone on to Heaven within a year. And then, miracle of miracles... Noah was gifted to us by The Lord. His life inspires me to live mine to the fullest. To never be small. To always embrace & love everything about living. To honor Rowan & Levi by living well.

Capture Your Grief.  Day 24.  Forgiveness.

 

Forgiving myself after each baby died was a struggle. It was hard to breathe, let alone reason with myself... Coming to grips with the fact that I couldn't have saved them...although slightly defeating, was a relief. Self-forgiveness. Hard. Necessary. Life-giving. 

Capture Your Grief.  Day 25.  Mother Earth.

 

"then man's dust will go back to the earth, returning to what it was, 

and the spirit will return to the God who gave it."   Ecclesiastes 12:7

Rowan & Levi - ours but for a moment...HIS for eternity.  Were they not ours only to hand over to Him either in life OR death?  Learning to live with believing He knows best...trusting Him with ALL circumstances.  This is the true test of our faith.  If we believe in Him for our eternal salvation, how can we hold back & say, no - but I cannot trust you in this?! We WILL see these children in Glory.  Some days it is that single thought that carries me through from breath to breath.   

God is ALWAYS good...and I am always loved.

Capture Your Grief.  Day 26.  Healing Ritual.

 

My latest adventure, Trim Healthy Mama.   

On the path to physical & emotional healing.  My body has been ravaged by pregnancy, pregnancy loss, hormone treatments, fertility drugs, child birth, etc...  

On August 25th I took the plunge into a new life style & it's been one amazing day after another.

True healing begins at our core!  I feel like the best way to honor my sons is to live this life well. 

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What is "Capture Your Grief"?  Read about it here.

Or, just join in the photo project by following these prompts:

Capture Your Grief - 2014 - Day 1

Capture Your Grief. Day 1. 
SUNRISE

Well, I missed the sunrise today.  Noah was up at 3-ish a.m. and I fe1l back asleep in his bed with him until 7 & by then the sun had already risen high & mighty over the day.  :)  I did however, snap a picture of the sun beams through my window.

How appropriate to start the Babyloss Awareness month out with a picture of the sunrise.  How unbearable the grief without the HOPE of the sun rising the next day.  And the next...and the next...  The HOPE that life does indeed keep. on. moving. forward.  Not lessening the loss of a baby (or in our case, babies), but a reminder that there is still a great work to be done.  Here. 

#captureyourgrief  #whathealsyourheart

You can follow me on instagram too, @mccleskey1813

And, if you want to know more about this series, read here.

And, here are the prompts for the whole month of October.

Four

Today I write to honor the life of my smallest son, my Rowan.  My FIRST son.  My heart was stolen on the day that pregnancy test was positive.  I fell to my knees in tears & humble thanks.  For years we waited, we cried, we screamed, we hurt, we laughed, we loved, we wanted, and we worked hard to make a baby.  And then, I peed on a stick & 3minutes later our lives were forever changed. 

I will NEVER forget the feeling of sweet relief and overwhelming joy at seeing the smallest flicker of life on that black and white ultrasound machine.  The immense, deep, never ceasing LOVE of Jesus flooded me so quickly in that moment & spilled over from Him to me and from me to the little spark within me.

 

And, then, my God, my God...5 weeks later and a heartbeat was heard.  A heartbeat that stopped all of time for a moment.  I didn't want them to take the wand away from my belly.  I wanted the sound to go on forever.  And the person growing within me, on the screen, small and perfectly at peace.  Only knowing love.

 

But, not all stories of becoming a momma & daddy end with a cooing, squirmy, love bug.  Some end with a worn out momma sitting down to use the bathroom and catching her 13 week old baby in her hands.  Some end with daddy's dropping to their knees and praying for a twin to be inside that no one noticed before.  Some end with momma's not having any contractions, without any bleeding and without any warning.  And some of the stories end before they even really begin.  But, I say it again (and I will continue to shout from the roof tops) you are (we are) all mommas & daddys.

Rowan came to us quickly, quietly and without pain.  I like to believe that is how he left too, how he experienced it I mean.  No pain, only love.  No pressure or harshness, only mercy and grace from Abba Father.  

Psalm 139:13-16  " For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,  your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

 

If I allow myself to sit & think about all I felt and struggled to grasp onto as my life was spinning so fast in those moments after Rowan came to us...  I can feel the tiny weight of him against my hand.  I can remember the warmth.  I can recall staring at him, taking all of him in...fingers with nails, toes, a face that looked exactly like my husband, the cutest little teeny tiny booty.  All the things a momma would notice.  I would want Rowan to know that I noticed.  I know that he was 9 oz in weight.  I know those things because I am his momma.  He mattered, his life MATTERED, it matters still.  

My heart aches for Heaven to be with my boys, Rowan and Levi.  But, my heart also rejoices here to be with Matt and our little Noah.  The Lord is good and He will fulfill ALL of his promises.  What we think we know and understand of God's character is only a whisper of His glory and grandness.  And our small journey here is only a tiny speck in the grand scheme of eternity...but it matters. To us and to Him.  

sharing

I will be sharing my testimony at our MOPS group on Thursday.  It has been a tough few days as I write things out and really think about my past...where I came from, how I got to this day. 

I have spent a lot of time praying about what I will say about Rowan & Levi, as I feel they have made me the momma that I am today.  I really want to offer hope and love to other women who may have lost their babes, or know someone who has.  I struggle with the right words, and the right way to say them.  I know that God will direct me in what to say, and I just need to be strong enough to listen and follow. 

Thinking so much about them and recounting their stories has really been a series of ups and downs.  It has been nearly 3 years since little Rowan died, and almost 2 years since our Levi left us.  I miss those boys so much.  As I watch Noah grow and learn I can't help but wonder what they would be like...what our life would be like...

I miss them so much.  My heart is so broken, and yet so full...  How can there be such conflicting emotions?  How can there be so much love?

Two Years - Rowan

I honestly cannot believe it has been two years since the death of my sweet angel Rowan.  Two years...that time seems so large.  He was the most perfect, tiny, example of God's mighty power and grace.  What a perfect picture of the magnitude of our God.

I spent a long time in an angry, depressed, place after our Rowan died.  I felt betrayed and abandoned by God.  The same God that I'd cried out to for years to please let us become pregnant, and we had...  And, I felt horribly alone because something so amazing, so precious, had been taken away from deep within me.  I have learned so much from Rowan, from his brief stay here...from being his momma.  I am so glad to know that I am a different woman today, because of one so very small.

I am glad that Rowan only knew of the safety and love of his momma's womb.  He never had to hurt, or cry, or want.  He simply had to grow and be loved - and he was.  I often wondered if I could ever love another as much as I loved Rowan.  And then God gave us Levi, and I knew that my heart had room for two.  And, after Levi died I knew I'd never love again....but now, we have Noah, and he is such a perfect combination of Rowan &Levi, and I can't imagine life without them all.  

I miss Rowan, and will forever, but I can feel him with me still.  And, I know we will have a huge family reunion when we all get to Heaven.  I long to see my babies...  It's amazing how much love you can have for someone you don't yet fully know...

A Rainbow

 What is a rainbow baby?

A rainbow baby is the term used to describe a child conceived after the loss of another. 

Levi Matthew, our 1st rainbow baby, conceived after the death of Rowan (08-17-2009), lived in our love for 1hr and 19 min on June 28, 2010 and passed into Jesus' care on June 29, 2010.  Now, as we cautiously await the arrival of our 2nd rainbow, Noah Reagan, we are overcome with a sense that we are most blessed among parents.  Not many know of the true depth of the love of Christ, but we have held it in our hands and will forever hold it in our hearts.  Yes, He has shown much favor to us.

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

International Babylost Mother's Day

Sunday May 1st 2011 marks International Babylost Mothers Day.  It is a day that we will celebrate all mothers who are missing their babies and children.

 

Please find a quiet moment to pray and lift up the momma's who are missing their sweet one's on this day.  Also, visit the Facebook Page and join in with the giving of Beautiful Mother Flowers. You can read more about the flowers on the website http://internationalbabylostmothersday.blogspot.com/2010/08/rainbow-flower-gallery.html

It is Better

Our Pastor said something in his message two Sundays ago that has been on my mind, so I decided to blog about it.  I often read back through old blogs and I am so glad that I keep this record of things going on in our life.  :0)

He was mentioning a Nicholas Sparks' book, and in the book a main character dies.  He said that what the story is trying to convey is that it is better to have experienced great love briefly, than to never experience any love.  The sentence caught me off guard.  My heart was tugged.  This is exactly how I feel about Rowan & Levi. While their deaths were tragic and so overwhelmingly awful, it is better to have been their momma and loved them so entirely - than to never have been pregnant and had them/lost them at all.

I read a lot of blogs, books, forums, etc, about/by/mentioning baby loss moms, and families.  I know more than anyone should ever have to know about the science of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, losing children, reading ultrasounds, deciphering measurements, etc, etc, etc....   I am always taken aback when I come across a woman's story if it leaves me feeling upset.  Before I go any further, let me say, I know that anger is a stage in the grief process - but it's just that - a stage.  And to truly heal (if that is your end goal) you must move on from that 'stage' lest it become a plateau and you remain trapped there forever.  Now, all that being said, this is not meant to be judgmental in tone, nor is it meant to cause pain/hurt, this is merely a path I have walked (more than once) and my opinion(s) based on where I am in the journey - and I'm no where near the finish line.

So, what I was saying...
Some of the stories I read are written in such anger, and disgust.  It breaks my heart.  I know where the anger comes from, I yelled, screamed & cried out to God in anger many times after Rowan died, and again when I was told there was no hope for my Levi.  However, I have come to learn that I was so privileged to be a momma, to be their momma.  I like to think that God knows what He is doing.  It is that belief that gets me out of bed, and helps me stand up and breath all day long.

I guess what I would hate to see is any woman give up on this hope.  Give up and stay put in the angry, dark, places of her grief.  Yes, I get it.  Our children died.  And, no, it most certainly isn't fair.  But, isn't it better to have been with them, to have known of their existence, and to have had them for such a small time...than to have never had them (or worse - never been able to have them)?  I understand that some people who read this may be very new to their loss, and I pray you forgive me if I seem matter-of-fact about things.  But, for me, it is matter-of-fact.  I'm not a cold-hearted woman who has overcome, or 'gotten past' the loss of her children.  I grieve for Rowan & Levi daily.

I have three children, two of them are dead and I'm praying this third one makes it here to stay.  It hurts every day, and I miss them and long to hold them so badly.  When I see other children around the ages they 'should' be I just stare in amazement, and feel a deep longing for my boys.  But, I find peace and mercy in knowing that they are mine (they were mind), and although I cannot be with them now - oh a day is coming...a magnificent day when I'll see them and we will know each other instantly.

I fully believe that God can more closely relate to me, a baby-loss momma, than other momma's.  He too lost a son, He too watched his beloved boy die...  It has brought me such peace to know that even when I feel He's so very far away - He knows and can share in the heartache that I am feeling.

1 Corinthians 14:1 - The Message
Go after a life of love as if your life depended on it—because it does. 

Answers in a Time of Miscarriage

I have some exciting news to share.

When Rowan first died, I went nuts looking at EVERYTHING that had to do with miscarriage.  Upon on such search, I found Bethany Kerr.  She posted pictures of her sweet babe, Blessing, lost to miscarriage.  We exchanged several e-mails, and then one day Bethany told me she was compiling a book.  A book that would contain a wealth of information about miscarriage, as well as offer hope and healing to baby loss families.  She also asked if I would tell Rowan's story to be included in the book.  So, of course, I did - and I sent her some pictures.

Well, the day has finally arrived and the book is here.  I received mine today.  You can order one here.  You can also learn more about Bethany here.  And, if you are quick you can get a free copy by visiting here site and commenting here.

 I will be ordering additional books for my local libraries, our church library and just to have on hand.  You never know when someone may need this book and it's just terrific.  You can read a review by Margaret Delle here.  And let me say, after reading the manuscript and now having practically devoured the book again today - it's amazing and going to change the lives of so many.  I'm so glad that my first baby got to be part of this compilation.  Please do yourself a favor and get Bethany's book. 

Faces of Loss Monthly Topic: October, Masks

I am pleased to be part of a large community of babyloss moms (on the internet).  You can read about other mom's triumphs and tragedies at my favorite BLM site, Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.  (and you can read my story here).  Although I wish none of us had to be in this club, here we are - and together we are stronger.

Anyhow, each month the Faces of Loss team puts out a topic of conversation.  And here is the one for October:  As Halloween approaches and you start thinking about costumes, are there (figurative) "masks" you sometimes put on?

 Oh good golly!  This hit me like a swift kick in the butt.  I like to think I don't pretend for anyone, and I don't just say 'I'm fine' when on the inside I'm a mess.  But, alas...  I do.  I very much do.  I try very hard not to let other people's comfort level dictate whether or not I'll talk about Rowan and/or Levi...but it often does.  Many people cannot deal with the fact that babies die.  Many people (some who are very close to me) still refer to me as 'having no children.'  So, yes, I wear masks.  I put on the mask of the happy-go-lucky girl I've always been known to be...and I go out and about.  I plaster on a smile when I see you coming with your pregnant belly, or your tiny baby.  I save my tears and frowns for a more private time.  I put on the mask of 'friendly concern/care' for you as you tell me how 'the baby won't sleep more than 2 hours,' or 'my clothes don't fit anymore - HAHAHA - LOL'.  I save the raw emotions for a later time...

I'm not sure why I do this.  I think even people who haven't lost babies put on masks all the time.  There are many reasons to pretend to be something other than what you are truly.  But, I hate it.  It only makes me feel bad, because I seem to be the only one who knows.

Sigh.  So, yes, I put on masks.  But I'm learning about taking them off and stomping them to dust so they can never be put back on...

widget quotes

I found a super site
You can get all sorts of quotes, graphics, etc for your blogs.  These two are my favorite quotes from their page.

graphics for moms



graphics for moms

We Remember

With heavy hearts we remember our sons on this day.  This National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.  These boys that we love so very much.  Rowan McCleskey, miscarried 08-17-2009 and his little brother, Levi Matthew McCleskey, born 06-28-2010 and died 1hr and 19min later, 06-29-2010.

To my dear ones,

  I love you both so much.  I miss you more today than ever.  I just love, love, love you sweet ones.  You two have my heart.  You will never be forgotten, nor will there be a day when we don't think of you both.  I tell everyone about you...well, everyone who will listen.  I am so proud to be your momma.  My two perfect angels...  My heart could burst from the ache of missing you both.  Oh to see you and hold you again.  You two have made us so very proud and we miss you greatly.

with all of our love,

momma & daddy
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 

 We cried out to you O' Lord in our desperation, you inclined and heard our plea.  Praise be to God for our children.  We are sad they could not stay longer, but we have been so blessed to be their momma & daddy.  Thank you Father.  You are good and your MERCY endures forever.  ~amen

 

your kindness leads me to repentance.
your goodness draws me to my knees.
your mercy calls me to be like you.
your favor is my delight.

you are good, you are good, you are good
and your mercy is forever
you are good, you are good, you are good
and your mercy is forever

~You Are Good, Kari Jobe 

Normal?!?!

I 'borrowed' this from someone's blog long ago,  and never posted it...but most of these are true statements that I have thought or felt in the last 14 months...

~MY NEW "NORMAL"~

*Author Unknown*

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like they are my babies ages. And then thinking of the ages they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that my babies would have loved, but how they is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my babies.

Normal is making sure that others remember Rowan & Levi.

Normal is after the funerals are over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our losses forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it. Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or none, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that your babies are in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your children.

Normal is knowing I will never get over these losses, in a day or a million years. And last of all,

Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

Integrated

Integrated:  combined, interspersed, mingled, mixed, unified

My children are no longer with me in physical form.  I miss them, every moment of every day, I miss them.  I ache for them with a deep, soul, ache that cannot be captured in words, or explained.  My arms feel the weight of their emptiness.  My heart feels the emptiness of this wait.  

The lives and deaths of Rowan and Levi are so integrated within my life.  Every part of my life is touched by them, and this life chosen for me by God.  I miss these children...  I think it may be akin to phantom limb syndrome.  

 Have you heard of this?  When someone loses a leg, arm, etc., they still have the sensation of the body part being there.  After Levi died, knowing full well that I birthed him (felt the pain, no drugs, birthed him) - I would wake up for weeks...feeling him still moving, tumbling, around in my womb. And even still, my arms literally ache to hold them...and sometimes feel as if I've just laid them down.

 As Levi's due date approaches I am becoming more anxious and irritable.  I SHOULD be 8 months pregnant now...so swollen with his life that I can't see my feet!  Instead, I'm lying here...without him...writing about a memory of a child...MY child...MY SON.  I miss this sweet, strong, valiant, boy.  My boy.


And, my Rowan....taken back to Heaven so soon...  We hardly had the time to rejoice in your coming, and you were already going.  We miss you love.  


******
My sweet angel babes ~

We miss you too much for words.  Daddy & momma love you and miss you terribly.  We wait here, impatiently, for the day when we are all reunited and you two show us all your favorite Heavenly places.  


xoxo - mom