Friday, February 18, 2011

Time is Marching On

I am 16 weeks pregnant with little babe #3 today.  16 weeks.  I mean, I can remember counting the hours, the moments...isn't it strange that I feel like the time has flown by this time??!  16 weeks.

I'm on the edge of that time in my pregnancy when Levi was getting ready to come.  I was 17 weeks the day I went in for my CL measurement and we found out that Levi was really going to be Levi - a boy.  And also the day that we found out I had 0mm of CL left.  I didn't think it would be such a big deal since Levi lived for 2 more weeks and didn't come, or go, until 19 weeks.  But, I am feeling very sad about it.  I miss that boy so very much.  I try imagining what it would be like if Levi had lived longer than than hour...  I wonder what I'd be like, what he'd be like...  And then I remember that we wouldn't have this little bit of hope growing inside...and without Rowan's little life being snuffed out so quickly we wouldn't have met Levi... And then I just can't bear to think anymore.

My heart aches with a heaviness that cannot be captured in words.  I would love to say that the sadness is covered over and washed away with the joy that I now feel...but it isn't.  I'd love to know that when this one comes home with us this summer that I'll feel so happy that I won't remember how sad I've been these last few years.  But, I know far too well that it won't be true.  Indeed, I expect it will make it a little worse.   But still I am overjoyed for the gift I've been given, the privilege of carrying this sweet babe, and the hope of a long life for him.

We go in for a follow-up with the OB on Monday.  I am looking forward to seeing this baby again!  I won't see the MFM again until March 4th.  At my appointment on the 11th I was moved from full bed rest to modified bed rest.  I can be up a little longer, but then right back to bed.  It's a really sweet time for me to spend with my son...the one growing inside and also a time to reflect and remember Rowan & Levi.  I have chosen to relish in this time, as I know when he comes there will be little time for resting!  So, for now, I am soaking it up.

I got signed up for WIC today.  What a fantastic program.  Then, Matt took me to Publix and pushed me in the wheelchair so we could do some shopping.  We spent $44 and that is 1/3 what we usually spend...$44 with coupons & WIC checks.   Fantastic program.  I also got lots of information about breastfeeding and birthing classes.  It was so clean and not crowded inside.  So much different than my Medicaid experience.

I have had  a full day with a wide range of emotions.  So, now, it's time for a nap!!


Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

praying for you and this pregnancy!! :)

Lisa Mueller said...

Hi Amanda -

It's Lisa (Coe) Mueller. I miss you so much and just want to give you a big hug right now. I am so filled with mixed emotions after reading about all of your news. Would love to chat more and catch up when you feel like it. If you want to e-mail me off the board, I will be happy to give you my number.

I still think about you and Matt often. I will certainly be keeping you both in my prayers.

Love & Hugs,