I am 16 weeks pregnant with little babe #3 today. 16 weeks. I mean, I can remember counting the hours, the moments...isn't it strange that I feel like the time has flown by this time??! 16 weeks.
I'm on the edge of that time in my pregnancy when Levi was getting ready to come. I was 17 weeks the day I went in for my CL measurement and we found out that Levi was really going to be Levi - a boy. And also the day that we found out I had 0mm of CL left. I didn't think it would be such a big deal since Levi lived for 2 more weeks and didn't come, or go, until 19 weeks. But, I am feeling very sad about it. I miss that boy so very much. I try imagining what it would be like if Levi had lived longer than than hour... I wonder what I'd be like, what he'd be like... And then I remember that we wouldn't have this little bit of hope growing inside...and without Rowan's little life being snuffed out so quickly we wouldn't have met Levi... And then I just can't bear to think anymore.
My heart aches with a heaviness that cannot be captured in words. I would love to say that the sadness is covered over and washed away with the joy that I now feel...but it isn't. I'd love to know that when this one comes home with us this summer that I'll feel so happy that I won't remember how sad I've been these last few years. But, I know far too well that it won't be true. Indeed, I expect it will make it a little worse. But still I am overjoyed for the gift I've been given, the privilege of carrying this sweet babe, and the hope of a long life for him.
We go in for a follow-up with the OB on Monday. I am looking forward to seeing this baby again! I won't see the MFM again until March 4th. At my appointment on the 11th I was moved from full bed rest to modified bed rest. I can be up a little longer, but then right back to bed. It's a really sweet time for me to spend with my son...the one growing inside and also a time to reflect and remember Rowan & Levi. I have chosen to relish in this time, as I know when he comes there will be little time for resting! So, for now, I am soaking it up.
I got signed up for WIC today. What a fantastic program. Then, Matt took me to Publix and pushed me in the wheelchair so we could do some shopping. We spent $44 and that is 1/3 what we usually spend...$44 with coupons & WIC checks. Fantastic program. I also got lots of information about breastfeeding and birthing classes. It was so clean and not crowded inside. So much different than my Medicaid experience.
I have had a full day with a wide range of emotions. So, now, it's time for a nap!!