Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Anticipation

Each day I am overwhelmed with thoughts that we may actually be having this baby.  That he will come to stay with us, alive and healthy.  The thought boggles my mind.  I almost cannot even fathom having a real, live, baby to love and care for...here at my home...all mine.  My son.

I could just cry a million tears for my Rowan & Levi. I miss them so much.  Each ultrasound makes me long for them.  I am hopeful that holding this little one will bring some comfort, and some peace.  I think (and I hope I'm right) that holding him will help me to remember Rowan & Levi. 

In cleaning out the nursery I've found so many pictures from the days following each of their deaths.  Each time I just stop and cry.  They were so small, and yet so very perfect.  It was truly the best gift God has given me - this privilege of being their momma.  I hope that we can tell this little boy all about them, and help him to know and love them each as we do. 

Feeling this one move and kick is amazing.  I am overwhelmed by the miracle of the entire process - from the conception to the birth. 

At my appointment on Friday, the doctor's noticed that the baby had extra fluid in his nuchal fold and we were sent for some additional testing to rule out Down's Syndrome.  The weekend was spent in anticipation - waiting on results.  It was nerve wracking.  My heart was breaking for this one, so small and helpless.  Not in fear that he may come to us with special needs, but concerned that anyone would ever hurt him  - ever.  What joy and mercy washed over us as we got the call yesterday that all tests were negative for DS.  In just those 3 days I learned more about DS than I ever thought I'd need to know. 

The process of growing another human is quite impossible.  It is miraculous that any of us are ever born - ever.  We had an echocardiogram done at Friday's appointment (so they could try and rule out Trisomy 18 and/or Trisomy 13).  His little heart was so perfectly formed, and brilliant.  I was awed, and moved to tears at the beauty of God's work.  All I could think, as I lay on the table, was how is it that people don't believe in the Divine?  I'm overwhelmed by God's blessings in my life, our life.  He is far too good to us. 

3 comments:

Becky said...

so happy to hear about all of the good results on the tests you have been having. Praying for a healthy baby for you to bring home

Sherri said...

your strength continues to be an inspiration to me! And the human body truly is a miraculous creation! I'm excited for the day your little man arrives, healthy, and beautiful!

Stephanie W said...

As I watch Gideon grow and learn, I, too, am amazed at our awesome Creator. How could something so beautiful, sweet, and perfect as a baby not point to a sovereign God?