Thoughtful Wednesday: O Christmas Tree

 

Well, it's here.  December 1st.  We usually spend the day after Thanksgiving pulling out decorations, putting up our tree and making the house cute and Christmas-y.  But this year....I was bound and determined NOT to do that...  Christmas won't be what I want it to be, and Levi won't be here with us...and neither will Rowan.  Again. Another Christmas ...just us.  But, Matt, my amazing love insisted.  So, on Thanksgiving day after we visited the cemetery, we came home and put up our tree.  It was an emotional process and took much longer than usual, but it was good.  And, it's so nice to have it up now.  It makes the house seem a little more homey.  And, we have ornaments in memory of Rowan and Levi on the tree...so I can see those everyday and it makes me smile.

Faces of Loss Monthly Topic: September, Changes

I have been mingling with the BLMs from Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope for a few months.  I love the support system we are all helping to build.  It is my hope and dream that no woman who loses a child will ever feel alone.  I believe it is the duty of those of us who have been on this road for any length of time to reach out and say, "you are not alone, and you are not crazy for any of your feelings."

So, in an effort to be a light in the darkness for just one BLM, I write here.  I pour out my soul to help myself heal, but also to offer hope to those who are just starting out on this painful path that no one would ever choose on their own...  Okay, so this is exciting, the gals at Faces have come up with a new way for the BLM community to interact.  Each month they will post a blogging topic and we can all link up and read each others and become more connected.  You can get the specifics here, and link up your blog also.

September’s topic: 

How has the changing of seasons (from summer to fall) impacted you in your grief journey?

 

  Summer, a time of fun, sun, family gatherings...  A time of happiness, vacations and sun!  Summer, a hot, sticky, humid Florida summer.  What could be better.  We don't really have much of a fall here in Florida.  We mostly have two seasons, hot and cold.  And the hot far outlasts the cold.  I guess because there isn't much noticeable change outside I don't think too much about the fall, or changing seasons.  

  I have to say that I never thought of the changing seasons impacting me at all in my journey.  But, after reading the question and pondering for a while I have decided that I will welcome the change as a new phase in my grief.  Both of my boys died in the summer.  Rowan went to Heaven on August 17, 2009.  Levi Matthew was born on June 28th and died on June 29, 2010.  

Both boys were conceived in the spring, and both due in the winter months.  Maybe fall can be considered a reprieve for me, emotionally.  Not to much is tied to the fall, no dates to obsess over and get anxious about.   I think I'll be more heavily burdened by the change from fall to full-blown winter.  My Levi was due on November 25th and Rowan was due on February 25th.  The cold, harsh, winter may prove more difficult for me.

  Tomorrow, the 17th, will mark 13 months that Rowan has been gone, and at the end of this month my Levi will have been gone for 3 months.  It feels like yesterday that I was holding his tiny hands.  I somehow feel that the changing seasons will force us to look at ourselves again, and reassess where we are and make some choices about where we would like to go.  Everything I do is for, and because of, my children...no matter the day, no matter the season.