just being a mom & dad

This past Friday, 10-15, was National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  In honor of Rowan & Levi we bought new flowers for the grave site, and a little statuary.  The original statue was a pair of hands with a tiny baby lying inside.  However, now that there are a pair of our children buried there....I felt like it needed to be different.  So, I bought one of two brothers, angels, hugging each other.  It is sweet.  I miss those two so very very much!

2 months gone so fast

We have returned from Mexico.  It was a fun trip, and as always I feel it went by way too fast.  It was so nice to be far away from anyone who knows us, and just relax with each other.  I love my sweet hubster!

We got back Saturday.  That was the 28th.  That was also 2 months since our Levi was born and died.  It was bittersweet and I was totally exhausted.  We got home, had lunch and then went to the cemetery.  His headstone was placed while we were gone.  I got some pics, but it was raining quite badly.  I miss this boy so much.  Every smiling babe reminds me of what could have/should have been mine/ours.

I'll get weepy if I type more, so I'll just show off his beautiful memorial stone.  I love this little one so much.  There is also a pic of his big brother's stone.  We were blessed to be able to bury them side-by-side.

This is my story submitted to faces of loss about Levi's time with us.

Levi's Journey

It has been a long road. We thought we might be ready to try again after the beginning of 2010. I prayed and cried out to God to let us have a baby before I turned 30. My 30th birthday is this November 27th. So, on March 21, 2010, when I found out I was pregnant again....I was thrilled....scared to death..but thrilled.

I was much more anxious during this pregnancy, and I didn't want to tell anyone until I was 20 weeks along. Matt, however, couldn't contain it for even one day! He carried the 'pee stick' to work and showed it off. He works at our church, so it was kind of funny. He began telling everyone he knew, and everyone he saw. Once again, his excitement was incredible to watch. I love him so much. He has been such a hero to me. I held off on telling my friends until about 6-8 weeks, and didn't tell any of my family until 12 weeks. Mother's day. Again, all my appointments were perfect. My cervix was holding tightly, and things were looking like they might work out. But still, I held back my excitement. I had read so many books after Rowan left us, and discovered that I probably had an incompetent cervix, so I insisted on more testing and more exams, and my doctor was gracious and gave me what I wanted. I was seen every two weeks for measurements, etc. Thank God.

At week 17, June 14th, we went in to find out the sex of this baby. It was a boy. Hallelujah. We were ecstatic. I cried and held Matt's hand. Then, it was time for the cervical exam. No big deal, hadn't it been perfect just a few weeks ago, yes...more than enough length. Yet the u/s tech's face dropped and she rushed me into my doctor's office. I was told the length was at 2.5cm, and anything under 3cm is bad news bears. No worries I thought 2.5cm is not to far from 3cm. We were rushed to a MFM specialist only 3-4 minutes away, and by the time they examined me (less than 20 min. later), baby's head was down and my cervix was measuring at 0cm, and they could see the water sac. What?!?!!? How?!?! 

I was admitted to the hospital for an emergency cerclage the next day at noon. So, for 18 hours I was put in bed, at a 45 degree angle (feet above head) in hopes that the membranes and baby would slip back inside where they belonged and the surgery could be performed. I have never been so scared. My little one, in whom I'd been so hopeful...and now I was failing him too....failing my husband again. But, Matt was so incredible. My sweet love. He talked to me about baby names, and about what we would tell the baby. About how strong I was, and what a great momma I'd be. We hadn't discussed this baby before, a name for him, what he would do when he grew up. I think it was our way of not counting the chickens before they hatched....without ever saying anything to each other. We decided on the name Levi, which I have always loved, and Matthew after my husband. So, this baby, still alive in me would be called Levi Matthew. In the Bible Levi's name was changed to Matthew after he met Jesus, so it was a sweet name, and an honor for my husband.

Well, noon came and I was put under for surgery. I am told that I was asleep for 5-10 minutes, because as soon as I went under my water broke. 17 weeks and my water broke. I learned later (on my own) it's called PPROM. Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes. We were told there is no hope, and no baby can survive PPROM at this early in a pregnancy. They were wrong. Many babies have and do, once again information I discovered on my own. However, with spontaneous rupture there is no 'cure' because the rupture is too all encompassing, it is too big of a wound. So, I put myself on bed rest and a strict diet of prayer. For 2 weeks I laid in bed and prayed and spent time with my Levi. My husband laid around with me, and my friend Donna as well. It was awful, but kind of a sweet time to have with Levi, a time that I did not have with Rowan. Donna even took us out one day shortly before Levi was born and did some maternity shots....I'm so so glad to have them.

On the morning of June 28th I woke up feeling 'not quite right.' My appointment that day was at one, so I waited for Matt to get in from work to take me to the doctor. Around noon I started having mild contractions, and I went to the bathroom. I felt around and could feel something solid at the opening of my cervix. At the doctor's office I was told it was Levi's bottom. Again I cried. There would be no stopping his arrival. He would come, and it would be soon. I was told to go home and wait, but I begged to be admitted to labor & delivery, I wouldn't be able to do this at home. The doctor agreed, and by 2 p.m. I was in my bed in L&D. I had contractions off and on all day and by 7 or 8 that night they were massive, and bad and about every 5 minutes. Matt had fallen asleep and I rose to use the bathroom, it was 11:45-ish. Levi was coming and I couldn't stop him. I began to yell for Matt and he ran to get a nurse. I delivered Levi at 11:46, once again, over a toilet I brought a child into this world....only this time...he reached out and grabbed my hand. I watched with love as a tiny heart beat out a rhythm against the flesh of his tiny chest, and I saw him greedily gulp down 5-6 small breaths of hospital air. Then I just held him. There was, sadly, no saving my boy. My strong, lion-hearted Levi. He fought so hard, and was super-strong. A little hero, like his daddy. An identical, albeit, tiny exact replica of his daddy. 

We buried Levi on July 2, 2010, next to his big brother Rowan. They are forever together running the streets of gold, and loving Jesus.

365

August 17th.   I suppose this date used to pass by me without me giving it much weight.  But these days it haunts me.  It has taunted me all month on the calendar, always sitting there, unassuming - right between the 16th and 18th.  I have been keeping myself busy, cleaning, painting, re-painting, more cleaning...but I couldn't escape today.  I couldn't escape the memories that flood my mind when I think about August 17th.

Matt and I had lunch together and then we celebrated our first son's 1st birthday.  Our little Rowan, my angel baby, was already gone when he got here, but we celebrate him none the less.  We put out new sunflowers at the grave site (shared with his little brother Levi).

 

 Giving someone a sunflower represents your devotion to them.   Devotion is defined as earnest attachment to a cause, person, etc.  I am most assuredly 'earnestly attached' to my little love.  
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  Rowan,


  Daddy and I were talking and we cannot believe a year has passed since we held you. We love you so much little man.  We miss you, and we think about you all the time.  I love to tell everyone about you.  You are my little angel.  I love you so much baby.  I cannot wait to spend all of eternity with you and Levi.  Your mommy and daddy love you and the hole you made in us will not quit aching.  We love love love you.

momma & daddy  

taking care

Gravestone : noun A stone placed over a grave as a marker; a tombstone.

Marker : something used as a mark or indication, as a bookmark or tombstone.

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We ordered the grave marker for Rowan today. Pictures will be posted later, my friend Donna has agreed to take some for me. I don't know how long it will take to get here, but I'm anxious to have Rowan's place marked. The thought of that little body in that big cemetery with no marker brings tears to my eyes.

I thought that ordering the marker would bring some closure, or make me feel a little better. Turns out, I actually feel sad. It's like one more note of finality...

This place is really hard.