Oh my heart hurts today. I cannot explain, or understand the waves of my grief. I can only sway back and forth with the pain and then also with the hope I often feel.
At times I am overwhelmed with emotions that I don't even have words to describe. I can only guess that I am feeling a new level of growth...but it doesn't feel like I'm growing, especially when there are days like today. I think some of it has to do with my birthday being this week. Turning 29 this coming Friday has had me thinking about what I've really been doing with myself. All of my life...not just now, but like...the greater meaning of it all.
I miss my baby. I got a letter in the mail from our insurance company. It was a letter congratulating me on being over half-way through my pregnancy. I ripped it up and wanted to barf all over it. But, instead I just threw it away -- I didn't even recycle it. I would have been able to feel him kicking and so would you, if you saw me and wanted to touch my belly--I would have let you feel him kicking. I wouldn't be avoiding the girl at work who keeps showing off pictures of her new grandbaby--and I'd be showing off Rowan's pictures too. I would have done a lot of things. But, I also wouldn't have done some other things.
I miss my baby. I miss the feeling of being full of life, and of knowing that only I could be called his momma. I miss the way my husband used to look at my belly and talk to our baby - when he was so small and had no way to hear him yet. I miss the way people didn't avoid talking to me so that they don't have to hear about my dead baby. I miss my baby. I miss my baby. I miss our baby.
Bleeeeeehhhhhhhh...
So here's my birthday toast to myself!! Here's to another year. A good year. A year of heartache, a year of sweet loving from my sweet husband, a year of learning and laughing, a year of becoming a momma and losing a child. And, here's to my 29th year, may God hold me closer than ever before.
1 comment:
Happy 29th birthday. Praying that the Lord pours blessings upon you in abundance in this 29th year of life. :0)
You may not feel like you are growing, but you are....and you have. A year from now, you will be a totally different person in thanks to your Creator, and to your child who will always be your child. Your eyes will see things differently. Your heart will love differently. Your mind will think differently. You will still be His child, though, and your child will still be yours.
Happy birthday, and Happy Thanksgiving. Praying that your week is full of warm blessings.
:0)
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