Living in the Promise

Happiest of birthday's to my little 2 year old, Noah.  

You are the perfect fulfillment of one of God's sweetest promises.  I love you with every fiber of who I am.  Truly I prayed for you and surely you were given as a symbol of God's mercy, grace & steadfast faithfulness.  You are a joy, Noah Reagan.  A gift given to me & your daddy, two so undeserving, yet so humbled and thankful.  You are the light of my life.  I am honored to be your momma and to call you my son.

You love to laugh and to be so silly.  You talk in funny voices, and make car, animal, etc., sounds all day long.  You almost never stop moving (and I think it's b/c you know you will fall fast asleep if you do).  You love to color, watch cartoons, talk about animals & cars.

Sometimes while playing you will come find me in another room and give me a kiss...then run off to play again.  I LOVE being your momma.  I LOVE being with you all day.  I LOVE being the one you run to, the one you hide behind, the one you want to snuggle and smooch.  It is particularly sweet when we lay in the big bed & you grab my hand and hold it tightly to your little chest.  I am here boy, I will not leave you...ever. 

You sure adore your daddy.  Each night you want him to be the one to put you to bed.  You walk around the house in the morning asking "daddy, are you?"  Then you wait by the door for him to come home.  It's so sweet & I pray you always look for & wait for your daddy.  I pray you grow to be sweet and thoughtful just like him.

I like to hear you talk about cars, trains, trucks, and animals. You really like chickens, dogs, cats, cows, horses and (oddly) peacocks!  Your little voice is so very sweet as you name all the animals you know.  Right now you cannot get enough of talking about fire trucks, airplanes, motorcycles, TRAINS, cars and semi-trucks.  You are so smart and it's so neat to watch you learning more and more.

Oh, and the beach (or pool). You really like to be in the water.  You get your little float and hop in!  It's really cute, although it sometimes takes my breath away how brave you are.  I have to be quick to keep up with you, especially in the water!!  :-)

momma & her big kid! 

I am excited to teach you new things this coming year and I am excited about what you will teach me.  I love to love you.  I hope you remember these sweet times we have together.  I hope I remember them too.

practicing our colors

Walking tall with daddy at the Zoo

I think he's ready for some lessons!

Noah Reagan, wild life explorer!

Blessed -- Easter 2013

Noah & Daddy -- LOVE

visiting his big brothers on Mother's Day 2013

Welcome, Noah Reagan McCleskey

It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counter balance of color, energy, and HOPE. (unknown)

Welcome to our little rainbow, Noah Reagan McCleskey.


On Monday, July 18th we went for our weekly OB appointment.  Noah wasn't moving much on the ultrasound, and hadn't been very active all weekend.  Because he was breech the doctors were concerned that he may have been squishing his cord between his booty & the birth canal.  He was cramped and so we were sent to the hospital to be monitored and she told us that we would either have the baby that evening, or this upcoming Friday.  Either would have been a little earlier than we were expecting.  We were resigned to wait until July 29th (39 weeks) for a c-section.  But our God had another plan.


We arrived at the hospital at 4 p.m. on the 18th.  I was hooked to the monitor, and Noah was moving but nothing like his norm.  I was put on an IV to receive some fluids because they weren't sure how long they would be monitoring.  Well, at 5 p.m. two nurses came into our little room in triage and announced that within the next 2 hours we were going to have a baby.  I was so overwhelmed, but all I could say was, "but we don't even have our toothbrushes!"  So, Matt rushed home to get our bags and I started calling some out of town family....still in a state of total disbelief that this was happening! 

Then, at 8:27 p.m. on July 18, 2011, I heard my son scream and wail.  It was and still is the most beautiful, amazing, miraculous sound I have ever heard.  The c-section was quick, and totally intense...but also quite a beautiful experience.  A holy experience.  I just cried and cried as I listened to my boy belt out cries of life....  Matt rushed off to see him, make some videos and cut the cord.  I just cried.  It was, and still is, quite surreal. 

I was kept in the hospital until earlier today.  It was stressful, loud and tiring.  I am so glad to be home.  It's intense...us being here with Noah...alone...  I'm half staring at him, half typing this out...still in awe that this is my life.  I just told someone yesterday that having him is incredible and makes me feel so close to Rowan & Levi as well.  It's such a sweet love that I have for this boy.  We have so many pictures that I want to share...but my pain meds are starting to kick in and I'm having to re-type more than I am typing...  But, here is something to hold you over!

 

our first kiss...i am forever ruined for this little one

 Yes, he is this adorable all the time...except when he's getting even more adorable!

 

1st car ride - NAILED it!!  Winning!

One More Day

Today I am 17 weeks 4 days pregnant. We just got home from Dr. Prafke's office. Levi's heart is still pumping away, and I can still feel him swishing around. Praise God -- he appears to be just as stubborn as me!!

Please continue to pray for us, as the doctors keep repeating that my water break when Levi is so little leaves him NO chance to make it ... However, that is contrary to what I KNOW my JESUS can do, and what I have read online. I have researched PPROM until I feel like my head will explode, but there are cases out there of success and hope. To add to the hope is the fact that my temp is stable, and I have NO cramping or bleeding!! I truly believe it is the power of all our prayers to the Father. My health is vital to the sustained life of Levi.

So, again, we have the tiny hope that we are holding fast too. Our God is big, and mighty, and it would appear that our little Levi is as well. Please continue to pray for us, as we are scared and stressed. Being in bed nearly 24-hrs a day is no fun AT ALL!

Oh, and please don't be offended if we do not take your calls. We are not always in a position or mind to talk - however, we do appreciate your kind words, thoughts, and prayers.

Matt, Amanda & Levi


Prayer concerns:

1. Levi's heart beat
2. fluid levels to be replinished & sustained
3. NO infections for me or Levi
4. Mental/Emotional stability for me and Matt
5. Grace, mercy and peace
6. Room in the womb for Levi's limbs to continue to grow properly
7. Enough fluid each day so that Levi's lungs continue to develop
8. NO CRAMPING - NO BLEEDING

So great is His unfailing love

Lamentations 3:31-33 "For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion,so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

Oh my heart hurts today. I cannot explain, or understand the waves of my grief. I can only sway back and forth with the pain and then also with the hope I often feel.

At times I am overwhelmed with emotions that I don't even have words to describe. I can only guess that I am feeling a new level of growth...but it doesn't feel like I'm growing, especially when there are days like today. I think some of it has to do with my birthday being this week. Turning 29 this coming Friday has had me thinking about what I've really been doing with myself. All of my life...not just now, but like...the greater meaning of it all.

I miss my baby. I got a letter in the mail from our insurance company. It was a letter congratulating me on being over half-way through my pregnancy. I ripped it up and wanted to barf all over it. But, instead I just threw it away -- I didn't even recycle it. I would have been able to feel him kicking and so would you, if you saw me and wanted to touch my belly--I would have let you feel him kicking. I wouldn't be avoiding the girl at work who keeps showing off pictures of her new grandbaby--and I'd be showing off Rowan's pictures too. I would have done a lot of things. But, I also wouldn't have done some other things.

I miss my baby. I miss the feeling of being full of life, and of knowing that only I could be called his momma. I miss the way my husband used to look at my belly and talk to our baby - when he was so small and had no way to hear him yet. I miss the way people didn't avoid talking to me so that they don't have to hear about my dead baby. I miss my baby. I miss my baby. I miss our baby.

Bleeeeeehhhhhhhh...

So here's my birthday toast to myself!! Here's to another year. A good year. A year of heartache, a year of sweet loving from my sweet husband, a year of learning and laughing, a year of becoming a momma and losing a child. And, here's to my 29th year, may God hold me closer than ever before.