Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I didn't plan it

I wasn't going to write today. But I just couldn't stand the thought of not commenting on the 6th month anniversary of the death of my perfect little love. 6 months. That feels so long.

My due date was February 25, 2010. Oh how we counted down the days, and we couldn't wait to snuggle our sweet one in our arms.

There was no physical pain when Rowan came rushing into this world. No cramping, no back ache, no bleeding, nothing... But the emotional hurt - well, I could write a novel about the emotional pain. 6 months ago I caught my little one in my hands as he left this place forever... I'm a mom of a different sort I guess.

I could cry a million tears. We went out to the cemetery we stood there I couldn't help but think of how I'd MUCH rather be staring through that plexi-glass window and pointing out which sweet babe belonged to me...but instead I was standing in the cold and dusting off my angel's head stone. It sucks. Big time.

I am not sure I can sustain another season of celebrating everyone's joyous news, and new babies. Already so many have announced another pregnancy... I look on with jealousy and heartache. On my own I am not strong, not even a little bit. This month has been particularly difficult for me.

I think that I thought I was healing and moving through the phases of my grief...and I find that I may not have come as far as I'd imagined. It is hard to keep re-examining things. I know it is hard for my dear husband to see me so sad. I know that I don't have to be strong for him though, and that is a comfort like none other.

Anyway... This post hasn't made much sense. I continue to pray for God to use this terrible event to touch the lives of others, and to grow me in unconventional ways. Sometimes I feel like a person that I don't know, and other times I feel exactly the same as I always was...I suppose I will be forever changing though.

Revelation 7:17(b) "...and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."


Nicole said...

Oh, Amanda, my heart breaks for you. Grief is never easy, and it never goes away as fast as we are told it will. I am so, so sorry for your loss and your pain, and for the salt on the wounds whenever you hear of someone else's news. I know that feeling well. I pray the Lord will continue to be the "God of all comfort" to you as you continue to seek Him for the healing that only He can give.

Much love in Christ,

Becca said...

I've been so emotional these past couple of weeks that of course this post of yours made me cry a little bit.

I understand about being just a little bit jealous as each new round of babies is announced--our friends seem to be a fertile lot, don't they!!