Tuesday, June 22, 2010

18 weeks 1 day

Today I'm 18w1d. I should be filled with elation at being on the cusp of the 1/2 way marker. Today I'm filled with worry and wonder. Will God give us the weeks we think we need to get Levi to his make it or break it point? If we get there, then will it be enough, or will we beg for more time and more time...and when will it be enough? He is God, it is His ultimate Glory.

This hurts my head, no hurts my heart.... It doesn't make sense. I cannot chose to end my child. He is still in there, fighting, heart beating, learning new skills, growing and hearing me singing to him, loving on him, telling him of Jesus.

Still holding this piece of my heart back, where deep inside it I hope against hope that I'll teach him to ride a bike, let him put army band-aids on his knees even if they aren't scraped up, and loose my breath each time his daddy let's him climb too high on something. I'm his mother, and I simply can't give up on those hopes/dreams...because when they die, a part of Levi dies, and a part of me dies.

God help me understand your ways in this mess of our lives, because in a few weeks I may not be able to see so clearly.

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