Been thinking...

I've had my boys on my mind a lot these past few weeks.  Like, first thing in the morning, all through the day (randomly) and in the busiest of times...  A feeling of needing them, so deeply.  A feeling that I'll admit I haven't felt in a long time...like maybe since Noah has been here (19 months).

So, here I am sitting at the computer thinking of them.  Missing them.  Looking at pictures & wishing for them.  Praying for us.  Praying for him.  For them.  And I stumbled on this...

It's perfect right.  It just sums it up...this feeling I've been having.  It is so hard, SO.VERY.HARD. to forget...to move one with life...to keep living...someone who gave you soooooooo much to remember.  I don't want to forget my boys.  I know that I wear them on my face, on my body, daily...but I just take it to mean...it's so hard to just keep going & living without someone (or someones) who gave you so much, meant EVERYTHING...  It is so. hard.

xo

A fund for my son

For those wishing to contribute to the medical and funeral costs for sweet Levi Matthew McCleskey, please click here: Levi's Life Mattered.

We'll add your names to a separate email list so that you can follow along with exactly how your money will help pay for Amanda's hospital expenses, the birth and subsequent death of Levi, as well as his funeral and head stone. And, in the event that God blesses us with more than we can handle (as he tends to do) - you on the list will vote on which charity, memorial, etc...will claim the additional funds.

Be blessed, it is no small thing to help a friend in need.

in celebration of my son

18 weeks 1 day

Today I'm 18w1d. I should be filled with elation at being on the cusp of the 1/2 way marker. Today I'm filled with worry and wonder. Will God give us the weeks we think we need to get Levi to his make it or break it point? If we get there, then will it be enough, or will we beg for more time and more time...and when will it be enough? He is God, it is His ultimate Glory.

This hurts my head, no hurts my heart.... It doesn't make sense. I cannot chose to end my child. He is still in there, fighting, heart beating, learning new skills, growing and hearing me singing to him, loving on him, telling him of Jesus.

Still holding this piece of my heart back, where deep inside it I hope against hope that I'll teach him to ride a bike, let him put army band-aids on his knees even if they aren't scraped up, and loose my breath each time his daddy let's him climb too high on something. I'm his mother, and I simply can't give up on those hopes/dreams...because when they die, a part of Levi dies, and a part of me dies.

God help me understand your ways in this mess of our lives, because in a few weeks I may not be able to see so clearly.

One More Day

Today I am 17 weeks 4 days pregnant. We just got home from Dr. Prafke's office. Levi's heart is still pumping away, and I can still feel him swishing around. Praise God -- he appears to be just as stubborn as me!!

Please continue to pray for us, as the doctors keep repeating that my water break when Levi is so little leaves him NO chance to make it ... However, that is contrary to what I KNOW my JESUS can do, and what I have read online. I have researched PPROM until I feel like my head will explode, but there are cases out there of success and hope. To add to the hope is the fact that my temp is stable, and I have NO cramping or bleeding!! I truly believe it is the power of all our prayers to the Father. My health is vital to the sustained life of Levi.

So, again, we have the tiny hope that we are holding fast too. Our God is big, and mighty, and it would appear that our little Levi is as well. Please continue to pray for us, as we are scared and stressed. Being in bed nearly 24-hrs a day is no fun AT ALL!

Oh, and please don't be offended if we do not take your calls. We are not always in a position or mind to talk - however, we do appreciate your kind words, thoughts, and prayers.

Matt, Amanda & Levi


Prayer concerns:

1. Levi's heart beat
2. fluid levels to be replinished & sustained
3. NO infections for me or Levi
4. Mental/Emotional stability for me and Matt
5. Grace, mercy and peace
6. Room in the womb for Levi's limbs to continue to grow properly
7. Enough fluid each day so that Levi's lungs continue to develop
8. NO CRAMPING - NO BLEEDING