Thursday, December 30, 2010

scared, afraid, and worried. oh my!

It’s an overwhelming feeling.  It’s a fearful place and time. 
I try so hard not to be afraid, but …  I just am.  I am afraid that if this sweet one dies I will not be able to stand back up.  I am afraid that people will judge us, even condemn us, for trying again (and failing again).  I am afraid that my body will betray my sweet angel and force him/her out before it’s time.  I am afraid that this will be our last chance.  I am afraid for my relationship with Matt and with God…  I am just afraid.
I keep reminding myself that whatever happens, happens.  I don’t mean that to sound cold or harsh.  But it’s true.  And, being afraid isn’t going to change things.  So, I can live joyously and expectantly – OR, I can live fearfully.  And living fearfully isn’t really living.  I want to remember every precious moment of this journey, and to cherish this time.  I do not want to be so consumed with fear that I miss out on special moments with this babe or with Matt, or with God. 
It is so hard to know in your heart one thing and in your head another. 
I am pregnant for the third time since May of 2009 (that’s 19 months).  I have been pregnant for 10 of the last 19 months.  When my due date rolls around, I will have been pregnant for 16 out 27 months.  Isn’t that astounding. It is to me.  My body is probably going as crazy as my hormones!!   

4 comments:

Kelly said...

Thinking of you. I know how scary this can be!

butterflymom said...

Have hope, my dear Amanda. I believe in you....and this baby. ((hugs))

Marie W said...

This journey is so hard, but please know you are not walking this journey alone. We are all lifting you up in prayer.

Alex said...

Sending you my love and hugs. I think it's only too understandable that you would be fearful. Given the past, you have every right to feel it. I hope you're able to move on from that emotion.

xo