what keeps you awake?

I have been dreaming about Levi lately.  I was looking over my blog design a few days ago, and I have these countdown thingies at the very bottom that count the years, months, days that Rowan & Levi have been gone.  I was blown away by the big numbers by each name.  It brought me to tears.

Rowan's due date was February 25, 2010....that means it has already been a year since he was to be born.  And, gulp, this August 17th will be 2 years since he left for Heaven.  Two years.  Can that be right?  My sweet little one, my first child.  Gone nearly 2 years...  I was just caught off guard.

And Levi, on February 28th it had been 8 months since he was born and died.  8 months...that's almost a year.  A year.  My little lion gone nearly a year.  My life has been such a blur these last years...rushing by...a blur of heartache, grief, love, life, death...in and out of focus... 

I'll be 19 weeks pregnant with this current womb dweller on Friday!  That is nearly 5 months.  I am just caught off guard again. 

Anyhow, in my dreams about Levi he is not a baby.  He is a big boy.  He has curly brown hair and looks just like his daddy.  He seems to be a teenager, but not an adult...  It's strange.  In the first dream I didn't know him, but he rushed to me and hugged me.  I woke up in tears.  I thought it was my hormones and fell back asleep.  In the next dream he was there and called me momma, and I instantly knew him.  We just walked through this field and laughed....and then I woke up.  I felt so good.  And then I just missed him so much.  So very much. 

I sometimes lay awake at night concerned that I won't think of Levi & Rowan so much once my little one arrives.  Then I wonder if I'll spend too much time thinking of them...what if he looks like them...just like them...will it be too much?  What kind of mother will I be to this boy?  Will I be healed enough from my broken heart to love him like he deserves?