After experiencing the extreme angst, yet unfathomable anticipation, of having my two babies held for me in Eternity, I look at my wife differently since we’ve been able to raise our third child, Noah, here, on this side of Eternity. Not different in a bad way, but different in an awe-inspiring way. The same fear, sadness, drive, and commitment that Amanda had for our first two, she has turned into a different kind of drive and commitment for Noah. She IS that boy’s Momma, and she’ll do anything to keep him safe and joyful. It was yesterday, while driving with Amanda and Noah in the back seat, Noah finally asleep, I realized something: pProm and Baby Loss Moms are tough and unlike any other kind of woman on the planet.
I feel comfortable saying that BLM’s love their children more than the average woman. My thoughts are going back to that old cliché of, “You don’t know what you have, until it’s gone,” however, without the implied negative connotation. I think that without having lost a baby(ies), we would not have realized the deep capacity that we are able to love, even something so small. Some of you who have the fortune of being pregnant, or have children, know what I’m talking about. Even in the womb, you love your child and are anxious for their arrival, if for no other reason than to finally meet your love face-to-face. Your little one was, “knit together inside your womb” by Almighty God, Who even “formed their innermost parts” – Psalm 139:13
I watch Amanda knit. We even have a colorful throw blanket that she knitted, which resides on our loveseat. It’s amazing to see how much time is being put into such an intricate work of art. Each little part, seemingly insignificant to outsiders, crafted, woven, and stitched to another seemingly insignificant piece; one after the other, they’re interconnected to form, when the time is right, a masterpiece. My God not only formed my innermost parts, He developed the microscopic inner-workings of my boy. From even the smallest strand of DNA down to sub-nuclear levels, even in how air, containing Oxygen, Nitrogen, and a cocktail of other elements is introduced into the lungs and is used to sustain life for the better part of a century. BLM’s are keenly aware of this fact, as they take no part of their child(ren) for granted…no matter how small or insignificant it may appear to be from an outsider’s view, it’s perfect, wonderful, and integral to the BLM. It’s just one more thing they love about their child.
Another thing I realized is that BLM’s have so much love, they need an outlet. For Amanda, this blog is her outlet, as well as her participation is the March of Dimes. I urge you to get involved in someone’s life. Very few things in life are fair; if things were always fair, we’d have three sons, not just one. Nevertheless, my past will not deter me from loving to my utmost capacity in my present and future. Share your love with someone. You’ve been given so much love, it’s overflowing within you…so you have more than enough to give. Get involved in your church, in your community; mentor a child; heck, I urge you, if you’re on the fence, to take the plunge and adopt a child! What perfect symmetry to see a BLM who desires a child to love adopt a child who needs to be loved and return the love (s)he’s been given…in excess.
Lastly, never, ever stop believing that you are loved and watched over. Your needs are heard and will be realized in His perfect time. For those who are desperately in need of a child to love, your solution will come in His time…and it will be worth the wait! The God Who gives ravens food when they neither reap nor sow values you so much more. – Luke 12:24
Reading in Job chapters 38-40:
After all Job had been through, from seeing his entire family taken from him, boils cover his entire body, and every viable exit blocked, God reminds Job of how big He truly is:
Where were you when I established the earth? Tell [Me], if you have understanding. Who fixed its dimensions? Certainly you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? What supports its foundations, or who laid its cornerstone while the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy?
Who enclosed the sea behind doors when it burst from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and thick darkness its blanket, when I determined its boundaries and put [its] bars and doors in place, when I declared: "You may come this far, but no farther; your proud waves stop here"?
Have you ever in your life commanded the morning or assigned the dawn its place, so it may seize the edges of the earth and shake the wicked out of it? The earth is changed as clay is by a seal; [its hills] stand out like [the folds of] a garment. Light is withheld from the wicked, and the arm raised [in violence] is broken.
Have you traveled to the sources of the sea or walked in the depths of the oceans? Have the gates of death been revealed to you? Have you seen the gates of death's shadow? Have you comprehended the extent of the earth?
Tell [Me], if you know all this.
And through all that, Job realized, not necessarily how small he was, but how big God actually is…and he says, “I place my hand over my mouth.” The God of the universe loves you and will meet your needs in His time, for His glory, and your good. All you have to do is seek Him.
Amanda and I love all of you and pray for you fervently,