Tomorrow is Mother's day.
I found out I was pregnant for the first time just a few weeks after Mother's day in 2009. Then my baby, Rowan, died in August of that year.
I was pregnant with Levi, just into the second trimester on Mother's day 2010. Then he died at the end of June that year.
I was pregnant with Noah on Mother's day 2011. I had only 2 months to go...
This will be the first year that I am celebrating Mother's day with a living child to hug & squeeze. I have been a momma for a while now, but this year will be different. My plans are to attend church, visit the cemetery for family pictures & then have lunch. Simple, sweet...me and the men that love me.
I miss Rowan & Levi. I miss the idea of them...and I miss them physically too. It is very different and distinct missing... I wonder, often, what it will be like 20 years from now. Will I still think of them as often as I do these days? I feel like I might just because they are forever part of me. I mean, they are my children...one does not stop thinking about grown children after they have moved up & out and on with their lives. Isn't it the same?
I know so many who are still hurting and longing and hoping...and so I wish for them a gentle day. A gentle week. A gentle life.
Things here are sweeter since Noah was born, but underneath the joy I can sense the current of grief....still there...still flowing.