mother's day

Tomorrow is Mother's day. 

I found out I was pregnant for the first time just a few weeks after Mother's day in 2009.  Then my baby, Rowan, died in August of that year.

I was pregnant with Levi, just into the second trimester on Mother's day 2010.  Then he died at the end of June that year.

I was pregnant with Noah on Mother's day 2011.  I had only 2 months to go... 

This will be the first year that I am celebrating Mother's day with a living child to hug & squeeze.  I have been a momma for a while now, but this year will be different.  My plans are to attend church, visit the cemetery for family pictures & then have lunch.  Simple, sweet...me and the men that love me. 

I miss Rowan & Levi.  I miss the idea of them...and I miss them physically too.  It is very different and distinct missing...  I wonder, often, what it will be like 20 years from now.  Will I still think of them as often as I do these days?  I feel like I might just because they are forever part of me.  I mean, they are my children...one does not stop thinking about grown children after they have moved up & out and on with their lives.  Isn't it the same?

I know so many who are still hurting and longing and hoping...and so I wish for them a gentle day.  A gentle week.  A gentle life. 

Things here are sweeter since Noah was born, but underneath the joy I can sense the current of grief....still there...still flowing.