Wednesday, April 10, 2013

psalm 71:14

Maybe it's because we are attempting "this baby thing" again...  Maybe it's because it's already been 6 months of "serious" trying, but really at least a year of WANTING it...  Maybe it's because I let a little bit of myself believe it'd be easier this time...

Maybe it's just because I'm a girl & all I want with my whole self is to make babies.

Maybe it's because I have faith that my God can do mighty things.

Maybe it's silly, or maybe it seems foolish.

But, whatever "it" is, I am really feeling sensitive lately.  I am missing Rowan & Levi bad.  Like in those first days after they left us missing them.   Sometimes I squeeze Noah so tight & just breath him in...I cannot get enough of that squishy, squirmy, boy smell.  I cannot hold him enough, kiss him enough, love him bring them back.  :/  Is it weird to even think that...I don't know.

I cry and cry at the thought that Noah may be my only living child.  I cry and cry at how selfish that is, and sounds... I know so many struggling still, wishing, hoping, praying...coveting what we have...longing for this piece of Heaven.  When will I stop wanting and taking & just be okay with what we have been given?

I have to admit I think part of the reason I want so much is because I feel that so much has been taken from us.  And it has, but I have to come to terms with the fact that NOTHING is owed.  And it's hard.


Michele said...

Praying for you and sending loving thoughts and lots of hope!

Anonymous said...

I just lost my baby this week and even those who have not lost try to make you snap out of it by shaming you for the 3 healthy ones we have......I just needed to grieve. How is it that the 4th can be looked upon any less important as your first? The dr came into the room after I sat listening to the mother next door enjoying her babies beautiful heartbeat and I commented on how I wished I was experiencing this too. The dr agreed it was a cruddy thing to have to hear in my situation but this was her first and she did not have 3 at home like me.