Friday, June 28, 2013

Levi, a 3rd remembrance

Hello blogging world.  I have been absent so long.  Does anyone even read these any more?  I read through them all the time.  Remembering, rejoicing, grieving...  Wondering if this is my new normal.

How can it be that 3 BIG years have flown past since my Levi came and went away?  What have I done since his death that is worth telling him or sharing with him?

I miss my sweet son, my little Levi.  If I close my eyes tight I can feel that little hand reach out for my finger & clasp it so gently.  Oh, this boy who has stolen my heart away is so missed & so loved.  Sometimes when the sadness overtakes me Noah will pat my shoulder & say "oh my, mama" and I know that Levi is with us.

I am grieved that he would be nearly 3 had I been able to keep him.  I am grieved that had he stayed our Noah would not be here.  I am torn about whether that makes me sad or happy & because of all those strange thoughts & feelings I am forever confused.  I'm not sure any sense can be made of it.

When I look back over the time when we lost Rowan and then Levi and then on to having Noah it is like I'm thinking or talking about someone else's journey, someone else's life.  Did those terrible things really happen to us?  This crazy happy family, did that horror really take place.  But all I have to do is shut my eyes tight & I can see Rowan and Levi again.  I can feel them in my hands, warm, small & too precious for this place.

If a mother ever heals from the loss of a child it must be at that moment when she sees her savior.  


belle said...

I read still. Your boys are never forgotten by me..... hugs and blessings.

Michele said...

Remembering with you...

kathy said...

I also still read. Your boys will always be your boys, and that will never change.

pixiedust913 said...

I love this post! How *do* you make any sense of all the sad and happy together?!
You don't know me (we may have met once or twice through L&M) but you were, just by chance, my introduction into the world of pregnancy and child loss not too long before my own miscarriage journey began. I hope that someone at some point will happen upon my story like I happened upon yours and find some comfort... Even though our stories may be different! (((hugs))) :)