Four

Today I write to honor the life of my smallest son, my Rowan.  My FIRST son.  My heart was stolen on the day that pregnancy test was positive.  I fell to my knees in tears & humble thanks.  For years we waited, we cried, we screamed, we hurt, we laughed, we loved, we wanted, and we worked hard to make a baby.  And then, I peed on a stick & 3minutes later our lives were forever changed. 

I will NEVER forget the feeling of sweet relief and overwhelming joy at seeing the smallest flicker of life on that black and white ultrasound machine.  The immense, deep, never ceasing LOVE of Jesus flooded me so quickly in that moment & spilled over from Him to me and from me to the little spark within me.

 

And, then, my God, my God...5 weeks later and a heartbeat was heard.  A heartbeat that stopped all of time for a moment.  I didn't want them to take the wand away from my belly.  I wanted the sound to go on forever.  And the person growing within me, on the screen, small and perfectly at peace.  Only knowing love.

 

But, not all stories of becoming a momma & daddy end with a cooing, squirmy, love bug.  Some end with a worn out momma sitting down to use the bathroom and catching her 13 week old baby in her hands.  Some end with daddy's dropping to their knees and praying for a twin to be inside that no one noticed before.  Some end with momma's not having any contractions, without any bleeding and without any warning.  And some of the stories end before they even really begin.  But, I say it again (and I will continue to shout from the roof tops) you are (we are) all mommas & daddys.

Rowan came to us quickly, quietly and without pain.  I like to believe that is how he left too, how he experienced it I mean.  No pain, only love.  No pressure or harshness, only mercy and grace from Abba Father.  

Psalm 139:13-16  " For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,  your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

 

If I allow myself to sit & think about all I felt and struggled to grasp onto as my life was spinning so fast in those moments after Rowan came to us...  I can feel the tiny weight of him against my hand.  I can remember the warmth.  I can recall staring at him, taking all of him in...fingers with nails, toes, a face that looked exactly like my husband, the cutest little teeny tiny booty.  All the things a momma would notice.  I would want Rowan to know that I noticed.  I know that he was 9 oz in weight.  I know those things because I am his momma.  He mattered, his life MATTERED, it matters still.  

My heart aches for Heaven to be with my boys, Rowan and Levi.  But, my heart also rejoices here to be with Matt and our little Noah.  The Lord is good and He will fulfill ALL of his promises.  What we think we know and understand of God's character is only a whisper of His glory and grandness.  And our small journey here is only a tiny speck in the grand scheme of eternity...but it matters. To us and to Him.