4ever with me

Happy 4th birthday to my sweet angel, Levi Matthew.  Four is so many when you are counting years in little kid time.  I wish today meant cakes, candles & presents.  I wish so many things were different.  I know God has a plan and I know that life is so good & sweet...  None of that eases the ache of burying your child.  That doesn't mean I am lacking in faith, or belief in the power of Christ.  That means I am human and I am broken and I am hurting.  It means I have a greater need for Christ.  It means I have a stronger desire to cling to Him. 

I celebrate the life and death of my second son, Levi, today.  I celebrate because I know that he is with Jesus and that I will see him in Heaven.  I celebrate because when Levi passed away part of my heart was forever torn away and I became someone that I never knew I could become. 

We recently moved 500-ish miles from our home.  500 miles from where Levi & Rowan are buried.  It was my hardest goodbye.  I kept going by the cemetery, as if to explain myself - to make myself okay with leaving them.  I had to keep repeating to myself that they weren't in the cemetery - they are in Heaven...but the tangible cemetery plots --- those are really for me, for us, to mark as a reminder of their lives.  We have such great friends and family that have offered to visit and take flowers out for the boys.  We are blessed.

Happy birthday my sweet love.  I love you forever.