Capture Your Grief, Days 28, 29 & 30

Capture Your Grief.  Day 28: WISDOM.

  

Today's prompt asks, "Do you have any words that you would like to share about grief that might help others that are on this journey as well? Maybe it is something wise that someone once said to you or maybe it is something you read by someone else."

This is a picture of Levi's hand/foot print. So tiny. So perfectly amazing. 

Words I'd like to share about grief. First this, EVERYTHING comes from the Father. We are nothing apart from Him. This verse - some days, when I couldn't breath...just couldn't catch my breath from underneath the heavy blanket of sadness....this verse... I would say it aloud over & over. It was on our message board at home, posted to the fridge...written on my hand. Isaiah 49:15(c)-16 "I will not forget you. See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands. Your walls are ever before me." He is honest & He KEEPS His promises. He is ALWAYS good. Because He too lost a son, I knew that He could truly grasp & understand & FEEL my grief.

And, the second thing is this... Life. Goes. On. It sucks. It's a hard truth to swallow, but life does indeed go on... Sometimes it feels meaningless, but a lot of times it just feels like ... life. Just going on. I have determined to "live well" as a way of honoring our children. At first I just couldn't move, I was paralyzed by grief, and then it hit me. What honor does it bring to their tiny existence if I give up living too, if I just decide that my life will not go on? So, I became intentional about sharing our story. Their story. Their lives. Our lives. Life, it seems, does go on.

Capture Your Grief.  Day 29: REFLECT.  

 Take today to reflect on this past month. 

What is your relationship with grief like right now?  Is it still the same? Has anything changed? What have you learned about yourself and your grief?

 It is always with me.  I carry it with me like a security blanket....  Not because I need it, but it's something very important to me...  My grief reminds me of how BIG my  Savior is, how kind & merciful.  It reminds me that I am nothing outside of Christ.  The days are not so heavy, as they were in the beginning.  Having our miracle boy here helps pull me from the grief days.  I used to be stuck, like in quick sand, and I was sinking deeper and deeper as I struggled to get a breath, to get a handle on something....anything...  Nowadays I can keep those feelings far away by reminding myself of the tremendous blessings that came from each pregnancy, each life, each death. 

Capture Your Grief.  Day 30: INTENTION.

We are prayerfully considering starting a local SHARE group (hopefully/prayerfully through my church), in honor of Rowan & Levi.  You can learn more about SHARE, here.

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What is "Capture Your Grief"?  Read about it here.

Or, just join in the photo project by following these prompts:

30-day blog journal - Day 29

I am excited that this is day 29.  I've blogged for 28 days straight and today will be #29.    I wish there had been more posts about inside things.   You know, the ones in your heart.  But, I have enjoyed this 'experiment'.

So, onward,  Day 29 - hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days

This is a big loaded question for me.  I used to be a planner.  I mean, down to the hour, the minute sometimes.  I planned to be a famous singer, and then I planned to be a busy career woman, and then I planned to be married young with a large house full of children.

I am not a famous singer, but I do passionately sing for Jesus whenever I'm given the chance.

I was a busy career woman, and I made some great friends - but I'm not sure that is what I was crafted for...

I did not marry young, well, not young in my mind.  I was 26 when I got hitched!  Having said congrats to most of my girlfriends a year or two earlier.

And I do not have a large house full of children.  I have instead, a large heart filled with two angel boys who didn't get to stay here.

A hope for the next year -- I hope that I know who I am and what I am "about."  I hope that my husband and I can be closer in a year than we are today, and that in a year we will be more trusting of each other.  I hope that in a year I'll be so wrapped up in Jesus that I won't recognize the old me anymore.

A dream for the next year --  I dream of children.  I sometimes hesitate to say it, write it, whatever...  I don't want to seem so consumed by the want for children.  But the fact is, I am.  Being a mother - that is what I am here for, and I know it deep (way down) in my soul.  Every part of me aches for the babies I will never again hold on this earth, and every part of me cries out for more.  I dream of my children, the ones we don't yet know and the ones who just might not look like us at all.

A plan for the next year -- I don't make plans anymore.