Saturday, November 7, 2009

you know what I mean

"How are you Amanda" she said, and then, looking deep into my eyes, "you do know what I'm talking about don't you?"

I wanted to slap her. Of course I know. I think every second of every day about my baby. I bolt awake in the night, nearly every night, thinking of his tiny body in my hands. Yes, I know what you are talking about. I know what you mean. Stop looking at me like that...

On an unrelated note:

I have been reading "The Shack" for the past few days, and it is taking a while because (1) it's sad, (2) it makes me think about how I see God & my relationship with Him and (3) it's really deep and it's forcing me to think about stuff I may not have been ready to deal with...since my 'great sadness' has begun.

On page 104 God speaks to the main character, Mack, and says this, "As much as you are able, rest in what trust you have in me, no matter how small, okay?" I'm pretty sure this is the same thing God has been saying to me over and over since Rowan died. The idea I'm picking up on as I read this book is that it's never about God forcing us, humans, to do anything...but always about the choices we make with what is put in front of us.


Christy said...

Each time I read your posts, it's like stepping back into my own loss.

I couldn't go back to church/work for weeks, because I couldn't take the thought of having people staring at me. That look of concern, that comes from nothing more than love, left me with an ache that made me cringe. My bed became my safe haven, for two solid weeks. When I finally left my house, I went grocery shopping, alone. I remember a lady passing me, at one point. She smiled at me, and I forced a smile back. I couldn't help but wonder how the world could continue moving on with friendly smiles being given by a passing stranger, and not know why I was having to force the smiles back.

I've been meaning to check out "The Shack". Thanks for the reminder. :0)

Praying that you find your blessings this week.

Emily said...

Amanda, I have experienced some heartbreak in my life, and I do not pretend to compare it to yours, but this book did amazing things for me. It took like a month to read it, cause I cried my eyeballs out during every page. Anyway, I just wanted to share that because I had forgotten about this book and I have just the friend who needs to read it. Thank you! I'll continue to pray for you, Matt and precious Baby Levi :)