Thursday, October 7, 2010

Tangled Up

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”  ~Helen Keller

All the feelings get all jumbled sometimes.  I feel happy today, but guilty for feeling good when I am so sad because both my babies are gone so far away.  Then I feel ridiculous for feeling guilty, because I am a bereaved mother and I am dealing with my grief as it comes (and it comes in waves).  Ugh.

I have gone from being a confident, naive, young woman to a wise(r)?! I hope, older woman, in the past year.  I know myself much more deeply, and am so sure of my convictions...  But I am completely unsure of my 'feelings.'  It's the confusing emotionality of grief that gets me twisted up.  Is this even making sense?

I am not afraid.  I know my hope is secure, I know where my children are, and I know where I'm headed.  I am not afraid.  There can be nothing so devastating, or painful, as losing a child (save for losing another - both of which I've already done....)  I am not afraid.  For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. (II Tim 1:7)

Why is it then that when the flood of emotion starts to rise up...I freeze.  I have no idea, literally, of what to do with the emotions.  Do I put on a smile, say I'm doing okay, and keep walking?  Do I wallow in the depths of the pain and anger?

I have no answers yet...but I'm not giving up!  I am victorious.  I am a warrior momma.

I miss my boys so terribly much.  This month will be 14 months since Rowan went to Heaven...he would be nearly 8 months old if he had made it to his due date...  8 months old!!  Wow.  And Levi will have been gone 4 months at the end of October.  I was 17 weeks when my water broke....  I hate getting to the point in this 'after-life' - you BLMs know what I mean...the place where they have been gone longer than they got to stay!?!  HATE it.  HATE. it.


MrsH said...

I would just let the emotions come as they do, and don't try to do anything in particular with them, unless you put them on paper like you did here. Emotions rumble all day long, and sometimes they even come two at a time, conflicting emotions, like sadness and joy, both simultaneously. Whether you smile or wallow will be up to the moment, sometimes you'll do one, other times you'll do the other, and either choice is ok.

KAM said...


I left something for you on my blog.

butterflymom said...

Totally know what you are talking about, Amanda. Thinking about you always.