Saturday, April 9, 2011

It is Better

Our Pastor said something in his message two Sundays ago that has been on my mind, so I decided to blog about it.  I often read back through old blogs and I am so glad that I keep this record of things going on in our life.  :0)

He was mentioning a Nicholas Sparks' book, and in the book a main character dies.  He said that what the story is trying to convey is that it is better to have experienced great love briefly, than to never experience any love.  The sentence caught me off guard.  My heart was tugged.  This is exactly how I feel about Rowan & Levi. While their deaths were tragic and so overwhelmingly awful, it is better to have been their momma and loved them so entirely - than to never have been pregnant and had them/lost them at all.

I read a lot of blogs, books, forums, etc, about/by/mentioning baby loss moms, and families.  I know more than anyone should ever have to know about the science of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, losing children, reading ultrasounds, deciphering measurements, etc, etc, etc....   I am always taken aback when I come across a woman's story if it leaves me feeling upset.  Before I go any further, let me say, I know that anger is a stage in the grief process - but it's just that - a stage.  And to truly heal (if that is your end goal) you must move on from that 'stage' lest it become a plateau and you remain trapped there forever.  Now, all that being said, this is not meant to be judgmental in tone, nor is it meant to cause pain/hurt, this is merely a path I have walked (more than once) and my opinion(s) based on where I am in the journey - and I'm no where near the finish line.

So, what I was saying...
Some of the stories I read are written in such anger, and disgust.  It breaks my heart.  I know where the anger comes from, I yelled, screamed & cried out to God in anger many times after Rowan died, and again when I was told there was no hope for my Levi.  However, I have come to learn that I was so privileged to be a momma, to be their momma.  I like to think that God knows what He is doing.  It is that belief that gets me out of bed, and helps me stand up and breath all day long.

I guess what I would hate to see is any woman give up on this hope.  Give up and stay put in the angry, dark, places of her grief.  Yes, I get it.  Our children died.  And, no, it most certainly isn't fair.  But, isn't it better to have been with them, to have known of their existence, and to have had them for such a small time...than to have never had them (or worse - never been able to have them)?  I understand that some people who read this may be very new to their loss, and I pray you forgive me if I seem matter-of-fact about things.  But, for me, it is matter-of-fact.  I'm not a cold-hearted woman who has overcome, or 'gotten past' the loss of her children.  I grieve for Rowan & Levi daily.

I have three children, two of them are dead and I'm praying this third one makes it here to stay.  It hurts every day, and I miss them and long to hold them so badly.  When I see other children around the ages they 'should' be I just stare in amazement, and feel a deep longing for my boys.  But, I find peace and mercy in knowing that they are mine (they were mind), and although I cannot be with them now - oh a day is coming...a magnificent day when I'll see them and we will know each other instantly.

I fully believe that God can more closely relate to me, a baby-loss momma, than other momma's.  He too lost a son, He too watched his beloved boy die...  It has brought me such peace to know that even when I feel He's so very far away - He knows and can share in the heartache that I am feeling.

1 Corinthians 14:1 - The Message
Go after a life of love as if your life depended on it—because it does. 


Becky said...

I liked this post. I know I will grieve everyday till I am with Liam again and try not to let the grief consume me.

Amanda said...

it is so hard. it is a daily decision to live a better life because of these babies. to die inside and just exist here would be so dishonoring to their small lives.

Katharine said...

This is kind of off topic but in the picture....did you notice the heart around your boys' markers. The dirt makes a perfect heart shape around them both. Very beautiful!

Amanda said...

interesting you would post that Katharine....when I put this pic up on Facebook, immediately two girlfriends wrote about the heart. I hadn't noticed, but now that I seems even sweeter. :0)

Amanda said...

A perfect description of how I feel on a daily basis. I feel like I miss her every day, and I can't wait to spend an eternity with her, but I can't allow myself to wallow in self-pity because I don't want her to see me like that. She is happy, and she needs me to go on living and loving her regardless of the absence she left in our lives. I love the heart btw!!!