so close

I am 18w1d preggo today.  Last Saturday, Feb 26th I was 17w1d, and that is the longest I've ever been pregnant without any 'issues'.  Praise God.

At yesterday's appointment we were so pleased.  Little babe is 8oz!!  And he was so wriggly.  He kept his hand in front of his face the entire scan, so we got no cute pics.  We did confirm for the 3rd time that he is ALL boy!  He just kicked away every time they pressed the u/s wand into my tummy.  He was measuring 18w2d, and that makes me proud!  My sweet one's have all been so big & tough!!  :0)

I am so nervous because in just 7 days, next Saturday, March 12th...I will have been pregnant for 19w1d, and that my friends will be the longest I've ever been pregnant.  When you have lost children during pregnancy you anxiously anticipate every milestone... For example...next Saturday is a HUGE milestone for us.  We are praying that God gives us 7 more days with this small one.  And, then, we will ask for 5 more weeks to get us to April 15th at which point I'll be 24 weeks.  And that is VIABILITY DAY!!  Then each week after that is going to be prayerfully, lovingly, accepted as a gift...as all the weeks before them.

My cervix measured at 4cm and baby's heart rate was 147!!  In other news, I've gained 2 pounds so far!!


I wish I had cute pics to post, but here is the huggies pic of what baby should be looking like!

the blackboard

How beautiful, and spot on, is this quote from Elizabeth Edwards (on losing a child):

I have often described the death of a child in this way: in life we have a blackboard on which we write all the things we are doing -- our jobs, coaching soccer, working at Goodwill, going to basketball games, whatever. And the board is full, so when the next thing comes along, we find a corner or the board to add a computer class or a space between other things for book club or sewing Halloween costumes. It is full and lively and seemingly all important.

And then your child dies, and all the things that were so important that you worked to squeeze them in? Well, they are all erased. And you are left with an empty blackboard. Everything you thought was important was not. And the next time you write something on the board, you are very, very careful about what it is. Your choices about what to do and how to do it are so much more deliberate. Doing something that is so patently important as public service -- whatever your politics -- well, that seems like an easy call. That is worth some of the space. And putting something on the board, well, it allows you -- in your words -- to function another day. And each day that you find something else worthy of the board makes it a little easier to put one foot in front of the other. And each day you functioned the day before makes it easier to function again. Are there still bad moments, even bad days nearly twelve years later? Sadly, there are. But they are not as frequent and they don't happen in that same emptiness you feel today. Now when they happen, we can turn to something that we have written, something worthy of our time, of his parents' time and we can function through that pain. As you will -- not without [your child], but with [your child]* not as a living, breathing daughter [or son] but as an inspiration and a helper to decide what is worthy of your blackboard. 

Time is Marching On

I am 16 weeks pregnant with little babe #3 today.  16 weeks.  I mean, I can remember counting the hours, the moments...isn't it strange that I feel like the time has flown by this time??!  16 weeks.

I'm on the edge of that time in my pregnancy when Levi was getting ready to come.  I was 17 weeks the day I went in for my CL measurement and we found out that Levi was really going to be Levi - a boy.  And also the day that we found out I had 0mm of CL left.  I didn't think it would be such a big deal since Levi lived for 2 more weeks and didn't come, or go, until 19 weeks.  But, I am feeling very sad about it.  I miss that boy so very much.  I try imagining what it would be like if Levi had lived longer than than hour...  I wonder what I'd be like, what he'd be like...  And then I remember that we wouldn't have this little bit of hope growing inside...and without Rowan's little life being snuffed out so quickly we wouldn't have met Levi... And then I just can't bear to think anymore.

My heart aches with a heaviness that cannot be captured in words.  I would love to say that the sadness is covered over and washed away with the joy that I now feel...but it isn't.  I'd love to know that when this one comes home with us this summer that I'll feel so happy that I won't remember how sad I've been these last few years.  But, I know far too well that it won't be true.  Indeed, I expect it will make it a little worse.   But still I am overjoyed for the gift I've been given, the privilege of carrying this sweet babe, and the hope of a long life for him.

We go in for a follow-up with the OB on Monday.  I am looking forward to seeing this baby again!  I won't see the MFM again until March 4th.  At my appointment on the 11th I was moved from full bed rest to modified bed rest.  I can be up a little longer, but then right back to bed.  It's a really sweet time for me to spend with my son...the one growing inside and also a time to reflect and remember Rowan & Levi.  I have chosen to relish in this time, as I know when he comes there will be little time for resting!  So, for now, I am soaking it up.

I got signed up for WIC today.  What a fantastic program.  Then, Matt took me to Publix and pushed me in the wheelchair so we could do some shopping.  We spent $44 and that is 1/3 what we usually spend...$44 with coupons & WIC checks.   Fantastic program.  I also got lots of information about breastfeeding and birthing classes.  It was so clean and not crowded inside.  So much different than my Medicaid experience.

I have had  a full day with a wide range of emotions.  So, now, it's time for a nap!!

we'rehavingababyit'saboy

It's official!!  It's a BOY!!!!

Had our follow-up today with the MFM.  I'm 15 weeks today.  The ultrasound tech said, "If I can see the anatomy, do you want to know the sex?"  "Heck yes we do" was my reply, and she dropped the ultrasound thingy on my tummy - BAM!!! Money shot!!  It is definitely a boy!

Oh, and my cervical length - yeah, that's right!!!!! 4.6cm!!!!!  Holy Mackerel! 

Update From the Hubby

Update From the Hubby:

Amanda's surgery went flawlessly.  The doctor who performed the surgery is the best in the city.  He placed the two cerclage stitches very high and very tight, just under the bladder.  They had to run blue dye into Amanda to make sure the bladder or the ureters weren't punctured in the process.  All things look fine.

Amanda's biggest hurdle: the needles.  She went through it like a champ!  Because Amanda has deep veins in her arms, they had to attach her I.V. via her hand - Ouch!  They shot her with Lidocaine beforehand, though, so the "stick" wasn't felt.  Probably the proudest moment for me, pre-surgery, was when the Anesthesiologist gave Amanda the option of knock-out gas and "the needle."  The knock-out gas would pose a greater threat to the baby.   Amanda faced her greatest fear and, like a true BLM, opted for the needle...which ended up being a simple spinal block, not an epidural.

The surgery took approximately 15 minutes, and then off to recovery!

The doctor warned that Amanda would be sore for a few days.  This was a major understatement.  Because of Amanda being pregnant, the nurse staff wouldn't give her the "good stuff."  Amanda equates the pain to contraction pains which never let up.  She's been on a regiment of Motrin (and Tylenol 3 for the unbearable pain).

Amanda's been instructed to stay on pelvic rest (in bed) for two weeks.  She'll then be re-evaluated, and it will be determined if she'll need to stay on bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy.  She did get her cervix measured, and it was still at 3.4cm, what it was at our last OB/GYN appointment.  We also had an ultrasound done to make sure the baby was doing fine.  I'm happy to say that Baby M was just chillin' with his/her legs crossed, waving "Hi" to everyone, as if to say, "I'm doing fine and won't be going anywhere for 20+ weeks."

One last comment:

When the doctor took me aside in the waiting room to tell me the news, he was all smiles (he remembered Amanda from when he attempted the same cerclage surgery for her last August, when Amanda's water broke before the surgery even began).  He said that Amanda will not lose this baby due to an incompetent cervix.  That's phenomenal news!  Please keep Amanda in your prayers (as we do with all of you) that the pain will subside quickly and that Baby M will stay safe until (s)he is ready to meet his/her mommy and daddy for the first time as a healthy newborn.

-the Hubby

Today is the day

Today is the day!!  I am so excited, nervous and hungry.  :0)

My cerclage is going to be placed at one o'clock (cst) today.  I am so ready!  I am so ready!  I am so scared too!!  If you think of it, please just lift up my sweet baby today.  I am praying that God will keep him/her safe for the next 6 months and that this procedure will bring us one step closer to a baby that we get to keep.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!  I am so excited!!

Hip Hip Hooray for Cervical Measurements!!

Today I am 13 weeks pregnant.   I am still in such awe and wonder...I hope that never goes away.  In past pregnancies I have counted the hours that lead up to the 13 week mark...the last week of the first trimester.   This is typically the time in a pregnancy when women will start to be less nervous and breathe easier.  But, for me - it is the beginning of the 2nd trimester - the portion of pregnancy in which both of my children left us for Heaven.  It is, for me, the beginning of weeks of deep concern.

On Monday, Jan 31st, I'm having my cervical cerclage placed.  I'm very excited, as I think it is going to be one of the key elements in making sure we bring this baby home to stay with us.  Please be in prayer for us, specifically around 1:00 p.m. (CST).  I'll have two weeks of mandatory bed rest and then (fingers crossed), I'll be allowed to move up to modified bed rest - meaning I can get up, go to work for 4-5 hours and then come home and lay in bed (which I have been doing for the last 7 weeks)!!

So, at yesterday's appointment I was a little anxious to get my cervical measurement.  However, when the doctor told me - I nearly jumped off the table!!  3.4 cm my friends!!!  3.4cm!!  The longest CL I've ever had!  Oh, the Lord is so good!!!  Hallelujah.  We pray for continued 'ease' and peace, as well as long CL and calm uterus!!  Prais God!!

Okay, so here is a 'typical' picture of our baby (from this site):

And here is our sweet love.  He/she was so squirmy at the u/s it was difficult to get a clear picture (obviously)!  But, we are so in love!!

Minus One

So, I noticed last night that after my last post I have one less ‘follower.’ I certainly hope it isn’t because I wrote about my new baby on my blog.


I thought long and hard about creating a new blog just for this baby, and then I thought about not doing it. I decided not to make a new blog, but to keep everything here. I am sorry if you cannot bear to read about this baby, and I hope it doesn’t break your heart. I just feel like I’ve connected with such an amazing group of BLMs (and others), and I wonder if we do a dis-service to the community of mom’s when we hide (or shield) our new joys from each other. I have cried with you all, laughed, hoped, prayed and rejoiced with you all. I think that’s the real community-ness of the BLM online ‘group.’

I was envious at each pregnancy announcement, but also thrilled for those of you who have gone on to have a successful pregnancy and welcome a small one to the world. I was saddened when it wasn’t me, but I wasn’t upset with ‘you’ – I just so badly wanted it to be me. I greedily read about each stage of your pregnancies…hoping and praying for the day when it would again be my turn.

All that to say, please take a break or delete me if it makes you feel better, but don’t be offended at my joy. I cannot hide it, nor should I be expected to. How can any of us get upset with each other, knowing the deep, unbearable, losses we have all suffered. And, again, I truly think it’s part of being in community with one another. We share burdens, but we also share hope.

I pray for you all the time.


And, on a different note:

Yesterday we had another OB appointment. I was 10w6d, and we got a cute picture of this little bundle….looking just like a shrimp!

I am growing increasingly anxious about my procedure on the 31st. I keep myself calm by repeating over and over that it’s all part of a life saving plan. It’s what I can do, as a momma, to protect my little one. I think I can do it. I am scared, but mostly of the epidural….and not so much the procedure. Isn’t that weird?

Here is a picture from a pretty cool site I found, you can see the site here.
It puts things into perspective for me.  :0)



Amused... Confused...

So, I'm 10w5d preggers today.  I LOVE it.  I give three cheers to Jesus with each wave of nausea, as I feel like I'm actually having a 'normal' pregnancy.  Praise the Lord for exhaustion and sickness.  I truly love it.  There are so many who would give up all sleep forever, and all settled tummies to experience these things...and I am so blessed.  Thank you Jesus.

Oh how we pray for continued normalcy.  Although the concept of actually ever holding a new born, alive & responsive, is so beyond the limits of my mind...I am feeling some hope, a little hope, everyday.  And, again the unspeakable joy that overwhelms me.  I don't know where it comes from, and each time I try to calm myself and tell myself not to get too excited and to take it one day at a time...I just feel such a sense of peace from the Lord and a reassurance that He knows our heartache and He has given us this gift so that we can be joyous.

I applied for Medicaid right after we found out I was pregnant. In Florida, you have to do everything online (super frustrating).  It takes 30+ days to get a response.  Well, our response came last week, and we were denied Medicaid, but approved for medically needy.  Great, except that we have to rack up almost $3500 in medical bills EACH MONTH before they would help us pay for anything.  So, I go back online to review all the documentation...there were these mysterious numbers in their system for our income...I mean so mysterious and out of someone's mind.  Even when I added up all our monthly income it wasn't even close.  In fact, according to Medicaid we bring home about $8200 a month.  WOW!!!  Someone owes me some serious money!!!  I mean that is well over 3x's our monthly income.  My husband is in the ministry for goodness sakes and I work part-time!

Anyhow, because of this, today I went to the local Medicaid office.  I waited in line for 20 minutes, and was finally able to speak to a guy who wouldn't make eye contact, and seemed so squirmy.  After spilling all of my most personal information to him in the smelly, hot, over crowded 'office', I was told to call the Medicaid office to have my problem corrected.  So, I said "well, where am I?  Isn't this the Medicaid office?  Can't I just speak to someone while I'm here?"  To which he said, "Well, this is the medicaid office, but there is no one here who can help you and I don't know that much about medicaid."  And, I said, "but you work here, and this is the medicaid office."  "yes ma'am."  "but you can't help me?"  " no ma'am.  There are like 18 different types of medicaid and I don't know that much about them."  "but you work here at the medicaid office, and there is no one else who i can sit and talk to?"  "no ma'am, have you tried calling customer service?" "yes that's how I got your location and how I knew to come here."  Then, he hands me a business card with a phone number, which I called in the parking lot, and was pushed around a phone system and finally disconnected right after the robot voice told me to call the customer service number - which was the place I called last week that told me to go to the local office, - yeah the one where they hire people to work who don't know about medicaid.

I feel like a rat after some cheese in a maze, only there is no cheese...just cheese flavored air spray....

So, I submitted changes online and have to wait an additional 10+ days to hear if the changes make any difference in our determination of need.

Oh God grant me the serenity!!  It was really amusing seeing his face each time I asked if this was in fact the medicaid office.   Oh, little red headed medicaid man....you made me flustered and you made me laugh...nice.

Bring It

Happy new year!  

May you find yourself blessed in ways you cannot even imagine.

May you smile more than you frown.  And may you laugh more than cry.

May this be the year you have been waiting and hoping for the Lord to provide.

May you never forget to say thank you.

Blessings and happy new year!!