in due time

Today is August 5th.  Today is my due date. 

However, I just rocked my 18 day old son to sleep.  My crying, sneezing, poopy son.  My living son.  After all this time (a LONG 18 days) I still look at him and weep...I am overwhelmed at the goodness of God.  I still cannot believe this boy is here, and he's ours...and we get to keep him.  Overwhelmed.  Over-joyed.  Sleep deprived.  Blessed.  Humbled.

Daily I think of all that was lost and the journey to get to this place.  When I feel like I can't go on because I'm tired, or because Noah won't stop crying...I have to step outside myself and remind myself of what it took to be here.  What it took to be his momma, and how amazing the whole ride has been.

I won't lie...  Bringing home this boy has been WAY more intense than I imagined.  WAY more!  I've cried so much in the last 18 days because I have no idea what I'm doing, I sometimes feel I'm doing nothing right, and I am often not sleeping or eating very well.  Being a parent is tough stuff.  It is certainly not for the faint of heart.  And, breastfeeding...phew!  That's a whole blog post in itself...and I certainly don't have the strength for it now.  I will say that is brings a feeling of closeness and 'momma-ness' that I don't imagine many things do...

And, Matt.  Oh, what a sweet, proud daddy he is.  He is so good to me and to Noah.  He is truly my rock and has been the one to drag me kicking and screaming from my lowest low back to the edge of sanity.  He is truly the greatest husband and friend.  He is also a pretty good nurse and house keeper!

Having Noah home for 18 days has been intense, and super-hard.  But as I look at his tiny little face I know it's worth every moment.  It's worth every sleepless night, worth every missed outing, worth it all.  Everything.  I would trade nothing.  He has stolen my heart, and has me wrapped around his tiny fingers...and I'm okay with that...  I love him so.

 

our first family photo (we are working on this skill)

 

my bright eyed boy

 so much love here

 our little monchichi

 

loves of my life     :0)

 

Aaaaaand we are still working on it!  

 

momma & the boy so long awaited

Minus One

So, I noticed last night that after my last post I have one less ‘follower.’ I certainly hope it isn’t because I wrote about my new baby on my blog.


I thought long and hard about creating a new blog just for this baby, and then I thought about not doing it. I decided not to make a new blog, but to keep everything here. I am sorry if you cannot bear to read about this baby, and I hope it doesn’t break your heart. I just feel like I’ve connected with such an amazing group of BLMs (and others), and I wonder if we do a dis-service to the community of mom’s when we hide (or shield) our new joys from each other. I have cried with you all, laughed, hoped, prayed and rejoiced with you all. I think that’s the real community-ness of the BLM online ‘group.’

I was envious at each pregnancy announcement, but also thrilled for those of you who have gone on to have a successful pregnancy and welcome a small one to the world. I was saddened when it wasn’t me, but I wasn’t upset with ‘you’ – I just so badly wanted it to be me. I greedily read about each stage of your pregnancies…hoping and praying for the day when it would again be my turn.

All that to say, please take a break or delete me if it makes you feel better, but don’t be offended at my joy. I cannot hide it, nor should I be expected to. How can any of us get upset with each other, knowing the deep, unbearable, losses we have all suffered. And, again, I truly think it’s part of being in community with one another. We share burdens, but we also share hope.

I pray for you all the time.


And, on a different note:

Yesterday we had another OB appointment. I was 10w6d, and we got a cute picture of this little bundle….looking just like a shrimp!

I am growing increasingly anxious about my procedure on the 31st. I keep myself calm by repeating over and over that it’s all part of a life saving plan. It’s what I can do, as a momma, to protect my little one. I think I can do it. I am scared, but mostly of the epidural….and not so much the procedure. Isn’t that weird?

Here is a picture from a pretty cool site I found, you can see the site here.
It puts things into perspective for me.  :0)



Thoughtful Wednesday : kiddies

I'm starting this week to keep a friend's children after work.  Just 3 days a week for 2 hours at a time.  I think it's been good for me so far, and I think it will continue to be good.  Until now I haven't really been too keen on being around children.  Toddlers and older kids though, I'm starting to warm up too.  I don't know if I could handle an infant. I still feel pretty overwhelmed whenever I see a preggo or a new baby out and about. 

  I hope that time will heal the ache, and I'm optimistic about it.   

June 28th, Levi's debut

my sweet angel, Levi Matthew McCleskey
born 06-28-10 @ 11:46 p.m.
8.5" long, weighing 9.2 oz.

He was perfect in every way. His heart was beating strong for a little over an hour. He gulped down 5 small breaths and put his tiny hand on mine right after he was born. And then, just as quietly as he came to us, he was gone. We love him so very much.

One More Day

Today I am 17 weeks 4 days pregnant. We just got home from Dr. Prafke's office. Levi's heart is still pumping away, and I can still feel him swishing around. Praise God -- he appears to be just as stubborn as me!!

Please continue to pray for us, as the doctors keep repeating that my water break when Levi is so little leaves him NO chance to make it ... However, that is contrary to what I KNOW my JESUS can do, and what I have read online. I have researched PPROM until I feel like my head will explode, but there are cases out there of success and hope. To add to the hope is the fact that my temp is stable, and I have NO cramping or bleeding!! I truly believe it is the power of all our prayers to the Father. My health is vital to the sustained life of Levi.

So, again, we have the tiny hope that we are holding fast too. Our God is big, and mighty, and it would appear that our little Levi is as well. Please continue to pray for us, as we are scared and stressed. Being in bed nearly 24-hrs a day is no fun AT ALL!

Oh, and please don't be offended if we do not take your calls. We are not always in a position or mind to talk - however, we do appreciate your kind words, thoughts, and prayers.

Matt, Amanda & Levi


Prayer concerns:

1. Levi's heart beat
2. fluid levels to be replinished & sustained
3. NO infections for me or Levi
4. Mental/Emotional stability for me and Matt
5. Grace, mercy and peace
6. Room in the womb for Levi's limbs to continue to grow properly
7. Enough fluid each day so that Levi's lungs continue to develop
8. NO CRAMPING - NO BLEEDING