scared, afraid, and worried. oh my!

It’s an overwhelming feeling.  It’s a fearful place and time. 

I try so hard not to be afraid, but …  I just am.  I am afraid that if this sweet one dies I will not be able to stand back up.  I am afraid that people will judge us, even condemn us, for trying again (and failing again).  I am afraid that my body will betray my sweet angel and force him/her out before it’s time.  I am afraid that this will be our last chance.  I am afraid for my relationship with Matt and with God…  I am just afraid.

I keep reminding myself that whatever happens, happens.  I don’t mean that to sound cold or harsh.  But it’s true.  And, being afraid isn’t going to change things.  So, I can live joyously and expectantly – OR, I can live fearfully.  And living fearfully isn’t really living.  I want to remember every precious moment of this journey, and to cherish this time.  I do not want to be so consumed with fear that I miss out on special moments with this babe or with Matt, or with God. 

It is so hard to know in your heart one thing and in your head another. 

I am pregnant for the third time since May of 2009 (that’s 19 months).  I have been pregnant for 10 of the last 19 months.  When my due date rolls around, I will have been pregnant for 16 out 27 months.  Isn’t that astounding. It is to me.  My body is probably going as crazy as my hormones!!   

A Stitch In Time

We met with one of the 3 MFM's today.  There are 3 in the practice, and any one of the 3 could be the one to perform my cerclage.  We met 2 of them when I was in the hospital after suffering PPROM with Levi.  They all three have a similar bedside manner, and all three put me right at ease.  So, I'm happy with the choice and have no opinion about which one performs the procedure.  I feel heard, understood and relieved.

My cerclage will be on January 31st.  It seems a world away, but at the same time it feels really close.  I will be about 13w3d on the 31st.  I wanted to have the procedure at 11 weeks, as my regular OB told me that was the earliest it could be done.  But this group of doctors normally won't do a cerclage until 16 weeks!!  Well, I certainly wasn't waiting that long!!  But, they were understanding, and given my prior losses, we will be doing it at 13weeks.  Then, I'll have 2 weeks of mandatory bed rest and hopefully I'll be able to resume some activity.  However, if my cervical length is not long enough, I'll be on bed rest for the remainder of this pregnancy.  Either way...I'll be ecstatic -- I can lay in bed as long as this baby needs me to!! 

We are STILL waiting to hear about our status with medicaid.  It's so ridiculous this system!  I would think that it would be easy for working, tax-paying, citizens to obtain medicaid when they need it.  But, that is apparently not the case.  Anyhow, I will not get up on that soap box right now!!

We are seeing Dr. P tomorrow and hopefully we'll have some pics of the little bambino.  The pics from today's visit are much akin to a picture of big foot.  So, maybe tomorrow.

I am still in a great deal of shock that I am pregnant.  After Levi died I wondered (like everyday) if I'd get another chance.  I am working hard not to be afraid, it is difficult.  I just keep praying, all day --- every day.  When doubt enters my mind I try to call up some Bible verses to chase it away.

We are reading through the most amazing book right now, called Birthed in Prayer.  It has been such a blessing.  There are prayers, and places to keep notes/prayers.  I simply love it and cannot recommend it enough.  I definitely think this book is a must read for us momma's of little angels.  Although none of the stories (at least that I've read so far) involve women who have lost children, I still feel like I can relate to some of them.  The first portion of the book is really about not losing yourself as you become a mother, and I think that is important whether your child lives or dies.

Oh God, please let this baby stay here for a very long time.

Sow The Word Sunday: Happy Birthday Jesus

 

The Christmas Story

    This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

    But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins."

    All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"--which means, "God with us."

    When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.

    After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, Magi from the east came to Jerusalem and asked, "Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star in the east and have come to worship him."

    When King Herod heard this he was disturbed, and all Jerusalem with him. When he had called together all the people's chief priests and teachers of the law, he asked them where the Christ was to be born. "In Bethlehem in Judea," they replied, "for this is what the prophet has written: "'But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah, are by no means least among the rulers of Judah; for out of you will come a ruler who will be the shepherd of my people Israel.'" Then Herod called the Magi secretly and found out from them the exact time the star had appeared. He sent them to Bethlehem and said, "Go and make a careful search for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him."

    After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were overjoyed.

    On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh. And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route.

    When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. "Get up," he said, "take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him."

    So he got up, took the child and his mother during the night and left for Egypt, where he stayed until the death of Herod. And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: "Out of Egypt I called my son."

    When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi. Then what was said through the prophet Jeremiah was fulfilled: "A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more."

    After Herod died, an angel of the Lord appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt and said, "Get up, take the child and his mother and go to the land of Israel, for those who were trying to take the child's life are dead."

    So he got up, took the child and his mother and went to the land of Israel. But when he heard that Archelaus was reigning in Judea in place of his father Herod, he was afraid to go there. Having been warned in a dream, he withdrew to the district of Galilee, and he went and lived in a town called Nazareth. So was fulfilled what was said through the prophets: "He will be called a Nazarene."

        --Matthew 1:18 - 2:23 New International Version

A new hope

I won a contest a few weeks back (on another blog).  I won a 'sign' with any wording I wanted from a place called Everyday Lettering.  There were so many gorgeous items and letters.  I chose a simple board style for my prize, and the word HOPE.  This is our word for the upcoming year.

Here is a picture of my sweet board:

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“From the fullness of grace we have received one blessing after another” -  John 1:16

And, now (drum roll please) what we hope for....  A safe, uncomplicated, ordinary, pregnancy.  Yes, that's right, I am pregnant with baby #3.  We are HOPING and praying with all we have that this sweet little one will join us here in July/August and get to stay for a VERY LONG TIME!!  Praise God for He is the healer of broken things, and restorer of lost time!

We prayed for this child and the Lord has granted us what we asked of Him. – I Samuel 1:27

Here is a picture of my sweet love:

 **this picture is from about 5 weeks, and I am 8 weeks today!!  Oh the Lord has been so good to us!!  THREE children!!! Even though Rowan & Levi do not journey here with us...THREE!!!  Oh we are most blessed indeed!!

I am seeing the MFM on Monday the 27th.  Please join with us in praying that (1) we get approved for medicaid ASAP and (2) cervical lengths are good & I can have the surgery I need very soon!!!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you and your family on this Saturday!  

May the Lord richly bless you with peace and joy throughout this holiday season.  May your days be bright and beautiful.  We pray that the Lord will comfort you and uphold you all throughout the new year, and that you would be blessed beyond your most amazing expectations.  

Our God is good, our God is powerful and our God reigns!!  

Thoughtful Wednesday: Just the Two of Us

 

Merry Christmas.  I know, it's still a few days away...

We believed that this year would be so different from last year.  And, it is....just not in the way we had hoped.  We are missing our babies so much this season.  It is really hard to be a parent to two dead children, but it is even harder during the holidays.  And, it is even harder still when you see family you haven't seen all year and they don't understand why you are still upset, or sad, and why you aren't just thrilled to be part of the holiday family time....

It is just hard.  I do not know why Matt and I have been assigned this portion from the Lord.  I do not understand His ways, or His thoughts toward us.  I did see something the other day that brought joy to me though:

Christmas lists

So, yeah, I don't really make a 'christmas list' for anyone....but I thought it would be good for me to think of some things that I really like and could possibly want to have.  So, even though no one asked me...I'm going to make a Christmas list this year.  :0)

1.  Fuzzy Slippers.

2.  A cruise with Mattie.

3.  Flower Power Toms.

4.  The "GLEE: Karaoke Revolution" game for Wii

5.  This thingy:

Blog Award: Cherry On Top

WOW! I got the Cherry on Top award from Leannehoovler - thank you sweet girl.

The rules of this award are:

1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs
3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award

I'd like to send this to

1.   Kara

2.  Lynda

3.  Courtney

4.  Stephanie

5. Ms. Baby Plan

Sow The Word Sunday: Purpose

 

A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse; from his roots a Branch will bear fruit. The Spirit of the LORD will rest on him- the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of power, the Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD- – Isaiah 11:1-2

Notice the imagery that starts this passage. There is a stump that is assumed to be dead, but a shoot comes up from it. The Scripture gives us a pattern: Sarah gives birth when she is past child bearing age, Joseph goes from the obscurity of slavery to the Egyptian Secretary of State, and an unwed teen gives birth to the Messiah in the small town of Bethlehem. Do you feel insignificant? Rejoice, for you fit the profile of the way that God blesses the earth!

Today’s commentary by:
Dave Whitehead, Senior Pastor, GraceNYC.org

What do you think? Discuss at
http://facebook.com/DailyBibleVerse
http://www.thedailybibleverse.org/

Faces of Loss Monthly Topic: November, Blessings

I know, I'm a bit late on the draw...  


November’s topic: It’s easy to focus on all the negative things that come from losing a baby, but have you discovered any ‘blessings in disguise’ throughout your journey? What can you find to be thankful for related to your loss?


It is so much easier to focus on the negatives.  Thinking about blessings makes me feel guilty.  And, yes, I know it's all in my head -- but that's all I've got!


But seriously, I think that I've been most blessed to have been pregnant with my boys at all.  Since their deaths I've read loads of blogs from wanna-be mommas.  It makes my heart ache for them.  Although completely different, I know that pain of wanting a child so badly...  


I cannot think of 'blessings in disguise' as all of our blessings seem to be so blatant.  I think that the biggest thing we have 'gained' since losing the babies is the support of a huge online community of other grieving parents....and although I hate so much that we all need each other...I am so glad this community exists.

Thoughtful Wednesday: O Christmas Tree

 

Well, it's here.  December 1st.  We usually spend the day after Thanksgiving pulling out decorations, putting up our tree and making the house cute and Christmas-y.  But this year....I was bound and determined NOT to do that...  Christmas won't be what I want it to be, and Levi won't be here with us...and neither will Rowan.  Again. Another Christmas ...just us.  But, Matt, my amazing love insisted.  So, on Thanksgiving day after we visited the cemetery, we came home and put up our tree.  It was an emotional process and took much longer than usual, but it was good.  And, it's so nice to have it up now.  It makes the house seem a little more homey.  And, we have ornaments in memory of Rowan and Levi on the tree...so I can see those everyday and it makes me smile.