Sow the Word Sunday : Do Not Give Up

 

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  ~Galatians 6:7-9

 

 

Thoughtful Wednesday : Strong?

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we
don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have
to let go. ~Author Unknown

  People tell me that I am strong.  I wonder what they mean.  See, I know that I am a weakling.  I know that I am only able to stand there while they tell me that because I'm leaning so hard on Jesus.  Levi's due date is fast approaching, along with my 30th birthday and the holiday season.  I'm a little stressed to say the least.  In fact, the last thing I am (or want to be) is strong.

  I am not full of faith, or courage, or strength.  I am weak, unsteady and unsure.  I have to ask God for guidance and help all day long.  I have to ask God for the strength not to punch the pregnant woman smoking behind my office building.  I have to ask God to give me peace so that I can show some grace to the mother screaming her head off at her kids in Publix.  I have to ask God to help me stand-up when a mom with the tiniest, cutest, baby is headed my way in church, the mall, etc....

  The truth is, my heart is breaking. Sometimes it fees like it is literally breaking smaller and smaller every day.  Sometimes I wonder how much more it can hurt...and then it hurts some more.  We were told yesterday that we are 'sort of' lucky we don't have kids because we have so much more freedom...  Freedom for what?  Freedom to smack you in the head for saying that?  There is a difference in not having children because they died, and not having children because you chose not too.  Good grief! Sometimes I wonder if people even hear the words that flow so loosely from their mouths.

  Everyday I repeat this prayer:  God give me courage to believe in You and Your plan.  God give me courage to trust You and Your plan.  And God, forgive me when I am lacking both.

Sow the Word Sunday :

"You make a living by what you get; you make a life by what you give."  ~Winston Churchill


Luke 6:36-38
Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.  Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven: Give, and it shall be given unto you, good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again. 

Luke 6:38 has also been much misused by many of those who raise money for their own broadcast ministries. Verse 38 says, "Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again." In this same judge-not context, Jesus is telling the people that they should be generous with people instead of judging them. This is not a verse on giving your tithes and offerings to the church or any other ministry. As a matter of fact, Matthews rendition of this verse is here in verse 2, "For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again." When you read it in the context of the passage, it is plain to see the sense in which Jesus said those words. As a matter of fact, money doesn't appear to be the object of this verse at all; it's forgiveness along with friendly assistance - obviously so when you compare both accounts (Matthew and Luke).

Faces of Loss Monthly Topic: October, Masks

I am pleased to be part of a large community of babyloss moms (on the internet).  You can read about other mom's triumphs and tragedies at my favorite BLM site, Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.  (and you can read my story here).  Although I wish none of us had to be in this club, here we are - and together we are stronger.

Anyhow, each month the Faces of Loss team puts out a topic of conversation.  And here is the one for October:  As Halloween approaches and you start thinking about costumes, are there (figurative) "masks" you sometimes put on?

 Oh good golly!  This hit me like a swift kick in the butt.  I like to think I don't pretend for anyone, and I don't just say 'I'm fine' when on the inside I'm a mess.  But, alas...  I do.  I very much do.  I try very hard not to let other people's comfort level dictate whether or not I'll talk about Rowan and/or Levi...but it often does.  Many people cannot deal with the fact that babies die.  Many people (some who are very close to me) still refer to me as 'having no children.'  So, yes, I wear masks.  I put on the mask of the happy-go-lucky girl I've always been known to be...and I go out and about.  I plaster on a smile when I see you coming with your pregnant belly, or your tiny baby.  I save my tears and frowns for a more private time.  I put on the mask of 'friendly concern/care' for you as you tell me how 'the baby won't sleep more than 2 hours,' or 'my clothes don't fit anymore - HAHAHA - LOL'.  I save the raw emotions for a later time...

I'm not sure why I do this.  I think even people who haven't lost babies put on masks all the time.  There are many reasons to pretend to be something other than what you are truly.  But, I hate it.  It only makes me feel bad, because I seem to be the only one who knows.

Sigh.  So, yes, I put on masks.  But I'm learning about taking them off and stomping them to dust so they can never be put back on...

widget quotes

I found a super site
You can get all sorts of quotes, graphics, etc for your blogs.  These two are my favorite quotes from their page.

graphics for moms



graphics for moms

mindful or mind full ??

Blah.
What to do with all the excess.  All the spilling over.  All the emotions left over at the day's end..all the questions that bounce around keeping me from sweet sleep...all the crap!

A question that I've been battered with, battered myself with...whatever...this week is, "Why would God give us two babies, and then take them both back?"  I know I won't understand this side of Heaven, and I know that sometimes bad things happen, and I know that sin in the world (our lives) has consequences...yes I know all that...so please don't write to me and include mess like that...in fact maybe I'll learn to disable comments for this particular post.  It is really just a rhetorical question for me.  I am beginning to think it's a faith stretcher.  

Grief is a strange thing.  It comes and goes, and you never know when it will be triggered.  It's almost like that annoying younger sibling hiding around the corner, waiting to scare you in the dark...but when it's gone you sort of miss it!?

Isaiah 25:1, 7-9, 12
O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. 

On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations;
he will swallow up death forever.  The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all face; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth.  The LORD has spoken.   In that day they will say, "Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us.   This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation." 

He will bring down your high fortified walls and lay them low; he will bring them down to the ground, to the very dust.

Thoughtful Wednesday:

 

This week I've been thinking a lot about making our financial life less stressful.  I have always been thrifty, frugal, whatever you want to call it.  I clip coupons, I make a meal plan, I study Dave Ramsey's program, we put away savings for BIG (life) emergencies...but we weren't prepared for the death of Levi.  We didn't want to use all of our savings to pay off medical bills, so we are really tightening down in our budget (even more than before) to make the monthly payments...but it's hard.

I find it harder to be diligent in paying down the medical bills because I'm so angry that I have to pay them at all.  I mean, the government floats and pays for so many people...why are mom's of dead babies not on that list?  I mean, if anyone should be given a break - financially.  Ugh, it's just frustrating.  I keep getting 'final notices,' and 'threats'...it's exhausting, calling and telling our 'story' again and again and praying for someone to be lenient.  Of course they aren't, and then I get sour writing out the checks...knowing that I am not snuggling Levi between licking envelopes and pasting stamps.  Sigh.

Just random venting...  Come back next week I'll have something worth reading..maybe.  :o)

Scribblings: Harvest

This weeks prompt on Sunday Scribblings is "Harvest".

Autumn, the harvest season, my favorite time of year.  I was born on Thanksgiving day in 1980.  This year on November 27th I'll turn 30!!  I am excited about a new chapter in my life, and I'm praying that's exactly what it is...  This old season of death and heartache -  I am praying, is passed.

November 25th is Levi's due date, was Levi's due date.  So, I'm a little anxious about this 'harvest season.'  Doesn't harvest mean to bring in your bounty?!?  I would love to be bringing home our bounty this season - but alas, it is not to be. 

However, what we do claim for the next few months (year) is to bring in a new harvest.  We have sown seeds of faith, hope and peace in our lives.  It has been a tough season for us, but we have stood strong in our faith, and I believe that the Lord blesses His children.  We sow seeds of thankfulness in sincere hopes of bringing in a harvest of joy.

 Psalm 126:5  Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.





 

just being a mom & dad

This past Friday, 10-15, was National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  In honor of Rowan & Levi we bought new flowers for the grave site, and a little statuary.  The original statue was a pair of hands with a tiny baby lying inside.  However, now that there are a pair of our children buried there....I felt like it needed to be different.  So, I bought one of two brothers, angels, hugging each other.  It is sweet.  I miss those two so very very much!

Sow the Word Sunday : A Psalm

I have had a difficult week, emotionally.  I have cried out to God to save me from myself, from my grief....from the pain of missing my children every moment of every day...for some small amount of relief from the terrible pain of their deaths.  On Wednesday night at church I read Psalm 142 while waiting for the service to start and it made me think of myself.

Being a mom to children who are dead is hard, really hard.  It's especially hard when those closest to you have no concept of your grief.  It is even harder still when people you meet, or come into contact with would rather you not talk about your children.  I want to scream, why can other mother's speak of their babes, but mine are taboo?  I will continue to talk about my children...just as every other mother speaks of hers.  They define me, and touch every part of every moment of my life.  It isn't always somber and really sad when I mention them, but they are my children and I will not stop talking about them.

Now then, on to The WORD that I believe God shared with me. 

Psalm 142 : a maskil of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer.

 ¹ I cry aloud to the LORD;
       I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
² I pour out my complaint before him;
       before him I tell my trouble.
 ³ When my spirit grows faint within me,
       it is You who knows my way.
       In the path where I walk
       men have hidden a snare for me.
 ⁴ Look to my right and see;
       no one is concerned for me.
       I have no refuge;
       no one cares for my life.
 ⁵ I cry to you, O LORD;
       I say, "You are my refuge,
       my portion in the land of the living."
 ⁶ Listen to my cry,
       for I am in desperate need;
       rescue me from those who pursue me,
       for they are too strong for me.
 ⁷ Set me free from my prison,
       that I may praise your name.
       Then the righteous will gather about me
       because of your goodness to me.

The Story of Psalm 142

This psalm is a "maskil". There are 13 psalms called maskils. They are 32, 42, 44, 45, 52-55, 74, 78, 88, 89 and 142. Bible students think that "maskil" means:

     ·    either a psalm with something special to teach, like 32 and 78, or

     ·    a psalm that the *psalmist wrote in a very clever way. (The *psalmist is the person who wrote the psalms.)

David wrote this maskil in a cave. It is a *prayer to the *LORD. We say *prayers when we talk to God. David was in trouble (or "had trouble".) His enemies were trying to catch him. He does not say who these enemies were. There are two stories about David hiding in a cave. A cave is a hole in the side of a hill. One story is in 1 Samuel 22, the other is in 1 Samuel 24. David feels safe in the cave, but he does not want to stay in it. It seems as if the cave is a prison. But there are no friends to give him help. He writes "Nobody cares about me". This means "Nobody loves me enough to give me help". But the *LORD God can send him help. This psalm prays for that help.

What Psalm 142 means

Verse 1: *LORD is a special name for God. It is the *covenant name. A *covenant is when two people (or groups of people) agree. God agrees to love and send his people help. His people agree to love and obey God.

Verse 3: David wrote this psalm in Hebrew. That is because David spoke Hebrew. The words translated "when I do not feel brave" are "when my spirit feels weak" in the Hebrew Bible. Sometimes we all feel like this. There is so much trouble that we do not want to fight it. We want to run away from it! Our spirits feel weak. We do not feel brave. Our spirit is that part of us that lives after our body dies. But David knows that God will tell him what to do. His path here means what he does. David thinks that his enemies have put traps in the path for him. A *trap is what people catch animals and birds in. David’s enemies wanted to catch him. He did not know where the *trap was. But God knew!

Verses 4 and 5: No human friend cares about David, but God does! This was true for David, and it is true for us. We only have to pray to God and ask for his help.

Verse 7: "*Praise" means "tell somebody that they are very great". Here it means "*Praise God". David says "your name" but he means God. But he means more than the name God. He also means everything that God is. This includes these facts:

     ·    he loves us;

     ·    he is very powerful;

     ·    he will always be alive;

     ·    and many other things.

But who are "the *righteous"? The word means "very, very good". Only God is really *righteous. But he says that his people are *righteous too. They are *righteous if they love him and obey him. Some Bible students think that here "the *righteous" means people who are *praising God with David in the *temple in Jerusalem. The *temple was God’s house. They made it from animal skins when David was alive. Other Bible students think "the *righteous" are people who joined David’s friends. This was while David was running away from his enemies.

Essential

I stumbled upon a neat blog the other day.  It's called Sunday Scribblings.  The author posts on Saturdays (usually) a prompt for you to write about, and then you link your blog in with the others there.  It gives something neat to write about, and a chance to share you blog with others who may have never come your way otherwise.

So, the prompt from last weekend was 'Essential'. 

#236 - Essential

The prompt this week comes from the book, Walking on Alligators by Susan Shaughnessy. In it she quotes Voltaire: "The secret of being tiresome is to tell everything."

In writing and in life, the secret is sometimes in what you leave out. 

"Start now to separate out what is essential for what you will write today. What you set aside is not lost. It remains, a part of your growing capital of ideas." - Susan Shaughnessy

Tell us what is essential for you today - but only tell us the essential bits.

What is essential to me, or for me, is outliving this life.  I want each day to be an expression of my faith in Jesus, my love for Matt, our children and my family.

Every day I am coming to understand that verse from the Bible, 1 Cor. 13:13, "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."  The essentials in my life are faith in Jesus, hope of a future with babies to raise up (and so much more), and love for Matt, our babies gone too soon, myself and our family.  

Here is an excerpt from Coffman Commentaries on the Bible:

But now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; and the greatest of these is love.
 

But now ...
This means "in this present state." "If we give it any other sense, as though Paul said, 'now to sum all things up,' then we have him saying that faith, hope and love are eternal." ^F30 As Barclay said, the stress in this verse regards "the supremacy of love," ^F31 not its permanence which was treated in 1 Cor. 13:8 in this paragraph. "Now" in this verse meant that Paul had returned to the present situation after the digression to speak of eternal things in 1 Cor. 13:12, which should be treated, actually, as a parenthesis. Shore and many others insist that "NOW is not here temporal, but logical"; ^F32 but this viewpoint should be rejected, as James Macknight declared:

The clause "now abideth" implies that these graces (faith, hope and love) are not always to abide; at least the graces of faith and hope shall not abide; for seeing that faith is the persuasion of things hoped for (Hebrews 11:1), and hope that is seen is not hope (Romans 8:24); in heaven, where all the objects of our faith and hope are put in our possession, there can be no place for either. ^F33

By the above comment, Macknight clearly construed the "now" of this verse as temporal, that is, a reference to the time present. All of the clever arguments adduced to show how we shall still have faith and hope in heaven fall to the ground in the light of the truth that both faith and hope deal with uncertainties, and there shall be no uncertainties in the eternal world.
Abideth ...
here has the force of saying that the miraculous spiritual gifts shall not abide; and, of course, they did not; nor do they exist now. It is in this dispensation that faith, hope and love abide; but what is especially stressed, "Love is the greatest" of the trio.
And the greatest of these is love ...
It is an unqualified disaster for advocates of the "faith only" theory that love should here be ranked ahead of faith; and, consequently, it is usually interpreted as meaning "God's love of men," not men's love of God and of each other. Thus, Guthrie commented on this verse, "greater than these is the love (of God)." ^F34 Throughout the chapter, it has been made clear that love as a virtue of men, not as an attribute of God, is meant. It is true, of course, that the love in Christian hearts has been shed abroad in their hearts by the Holy Spirit; but by the virtue of that very fact it becomes a Christian virtue.

WHY LOVE IS THE GREATEST THING

Love is the fulfillment of the law, which was never true of faith (Romans 13:10).

Love outranks faith in the power to motivate people.

Love includes obedience (John 14:15), which is not true of faith or hope.

Love is the heart of the Great Commandment to love God and one's neighbor (Mark 12:28-31).

Love shall abide eternally, whereas both faith and hope shall not, except in some exceptional sense.

Love, if lacking in the heart, would be a sufficient deficiency to prevent one's salvation, even if he possessed "all faith" (1 Corinthians 13:2).

Love works the greatest miracle of transformation in human hearts, distinguishing it from faith, which exists in some pretty cold fish!

There is no wonder, then, that Paul extolled the virtue of love in his wonderful efforts to correct the puffed-up Corinthians. This chapter may be viewed as one of the most important in Scripture, not merely for the truly marvelous things said of love, but also for the firm word therein regarding the cessation of the miraculous age. For further comments on "miracles" and why they ceased, see my Commentary on Hebrews, pp. 42-44.
Concerning the subject of love, there is none other that so fascinates and inspires the hearts of people; for this gift ranks first among the fruits of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22ff). There is even a sense in which it is a continuing "miracle" throughout the church age, not any less than the "confirming miracles" of the apostolic period, merely different. It is the signature of God himself in the hearts of all the redeemed.

GOD'S SIGNATURE

Love is God's imprimatur Upon the human heart, A glorious investiture, His image to impart.

Love is chief of all the graces, The royal prothonotary, Assigning each and all their places In God's economy.

It is the precious bridal song, The prothalamion hymn Of Jesus Bride, the ransomed throng Who have believed in him.

Upon the entire human race, To prove them born above, The Father stooped his name to trace. The signature is Love.

We Remember

With heavy hearts we remember our sons on this day.  This National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.  These boys that we love so very much.  Rowan McCleskey, miscarried 08-17-2009 and his little brother, Levi Matthew McCleskey, born 06-28-2010 and died 1hr and 19min later, 06-29-2010.

To my dear ones,

  I love you both so much.  I miss you more today than ever.  I just love, love, love you sweet ones.  You two have my heart.  You will never be forgotten, nor will there be a day when we don't think of you both.  I tell everyone about you...well, everyone who will listen.  I am so proud to be your momma.  My two perfect angels...  My heart could burst from the ache of missing you both.  Oh to see you and hold you again.  You two have made us so very proud and we miss you greatly.

with all of our love,

momma & daddy
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 

 We cried out to you O' Lord in our desperation, you inclined and heard our plea.  Praise be to God for our children.  We are sad they could not stay longer, but we have been so blessed to be their momma & daddy.  Thank you Father.  You are good and your MERCY endures forever.  ~amen

 

your kindness leads me to repentance.
your goodness draws me to my knees.
your mercy calls me to be like you.
your favor is my delight.

you are good, you are good, you are good
and your mercy is forever
you are good, you are good, you are good
and your mercy is forever

~You Are Good, Kari Jobe 

Thoughtful Wednesday : kiddies

I'm starting this week to keep a friend's children after work.  Just 3 days a week for 2 hours at a time.  I think it's been good for me so far, and I think it will continue to be good.  Until now I haven't really been too keen on being around children.  Toddlers and older kids though, I'm starting to warm up too.  I don't know if I could handle an infant. I still feel pretty overwhelmed whenever I see a preggo or a new baby out and about. 

  I hope that time will heal the ache, and I'm optimistic about it.   

Sow the Word: how YOU love me

Normal?!?!

I 'borrowed' this from someone's blog long ago,  and never posted it...but most of these are true statements that I have thought or felt in the last 14 months...

~MY NEW "NORMAL"~

*Author Unknown*

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like they are my babies ages. And then thinking of the ages they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that my babies would have loved, but how they is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my babies.

Normal is making sure that others remember Rowan & Levi.

Normal is after the funerals are over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our losses forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it. Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or none, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that your babies are in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your children.

Normal is knowing I will never get over these losses, in a day or a million years. And last of all,

Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

Integrated

Integrated:  combined, interspersed, mingled, mixed, unified

My children are no longer with me in physical form.  I miss them, every moment of every day, I miss them.  I ache for them with a deep, soul, ache that cannot be captured in words, or explained.  My arms feel the weight of their emptiness.  My heart feels the emptiness of this wait.  

The lives and deaths of Rowan and Levi are so integrated within my life.  Every part of my life is touched by them, and this life chosen for me by God.  I miss these children...  I think it may be akin to phantom limb syndrome.  

 Have you heard of this?  When someone loses a leg, arm, etc., they still have the sensation of the body part being there.  After Levi died, knowing full well that I birthed him (felt the pain, no drugs, birthed him) - I would wake up for weeks...feeling him still moving, tumbling, around in my womb. And even still, my arms literally ache to hold them...and sometimes feel as if I've just laid them down.

 As Levi's due date approaches I am becoming more anxious and irritable.  I SHOULD be 8 months pregnant now...so swollen with his life that I can't see my feet!  Instead, I'm lying here...without him...writing about a memory of a child...MY child...MY SON.  I miss this sweet, strong, valiant, boy.  My boy.


And, my Rowan....taken back to Heaven so soon...  We hardly had the time to rejoice in your coming, and you were already going.  We miss you love.  


******
My sweet angel babes ~

We miss you too much for words.  Daddy & momma love you and miss you terribly.  We wait here, impatiently, for the day when we are all reunited and you two show us all your favorite Heavenly places.  


xoxo - mom

Tangled Up

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”  ~Helen Keller

All the feelings get all jumbled sometimes.  I feel happy today, but guilty for feeling good when I am so sad because both my babies are gone so far away.  Then I feel ridiculous for feeling guilty, because I am a bereaved mother and I am dealing with my grief as it comes (and it comes in waves).  Ugh.

I have gone from being a confident, naive, young woman to a wise(r)?! I hope, older woman, in the past year.  I know myself much more deeply, and am so sure of my convictions...  But I am completely unsure of my 'feelings.'  It's the confusing emotionality of grief that gets me twisted up.  Is this even making sense?

I am not afraid.  I know my hope is secure, I know where my children are, and I know where I'm headed.  I am not afraid.  There can be nothing so devastating, or painful, as losing a child (save for losing another - both of which I've already done....)  I am not afraid.  For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. (II Tim 1:7)


Why is it then that when the flood of emotion starts to rise up...I freeze.  I have no idea, literally, of what to do with the emotions.  Do I put on a smile, say I'm doing okay, and keep walking?  Do I wallow in the depths of the pain and anger?

I have no answers yet...but I'm not giving up!  I am victorious.  I am a warrior momma.

I miss my boys so terribly much.  This month will be 14 months since Rowan went to Heaven...he would be nearly 8 months old if he had made it to his due date...  8 months old!!  Wow.  And Levi will have been gone 4 months at the end of October.  I was 17 weeks when my water broke....  I hate getting to the point in this 'after-life' - you BLMs know what I mean...the place where they have been gone longer than they got to stay!?!  HATE it.  HATE. it.

Thoughtful Wednesday:

One thing that I spend a lot of time thinking about is how to be a victorious person.  I don't want to be a victim, or someone stuck in a pity party.  Somedays it's really hard to see how anything good can come from what Matt and I have lived through this past year.  Somedays I can barely force myself out of bed.  But, I want to live a life that honors the short lives of our children...and I know that rotting away in bed isn't going to honor anyone.

I'm not strong.  Far from it, in fact, I'm just barely staying sane.  What I am, however, is someone who tries to be faithful.  I know that it is only by the grace and mercy shown to me by Jesus that I have been able to overcome great distress and heartbreak.  It is only because of the strength in the loving arms of Jesus that I know I am destined for more than the life of a babyloss momma. 

I have been thinking an awful lot about clinging to the promises of Jesus, and just what it would be like to be an overcomer....a miracle.  I want people to look at my life, and say, you know she didn't have an easy path...but she kept on going. 

Psalm 31:19
How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you.

Ten on Tuesday

This bloggy link-up idea comes from Steph at A Grande Life.  Visit her, show some lovin', and do your ten on tuesday list also....  Let's get this party started.


1.  I started my new job on Monday.  I work M-F from 9-1 ... How sweet is that??  I think it's super.  The job is interesting, and not stressful (my last career was super-stressful).  Anyhow, so far it's going pretty great!

2.  I had a garage sale last week.  It was a community garage sale at the park near my house, so it cost $7.50 to partake.  I made $92 after all was said and done.  Then, I went to Kohls and got some new pretty things!!

3.  We have been going to grief counseling together.  It has really helped us talk more to each other.  I also think it's really helping Matt work through his grief - rather than just keeping everything inside while he tries to be strong for me...  It's good.

4.  My car was at the mechanic for almost 2 weeks.  While it was there they couldn't find anything wrong with it...because it never once acted like it did when I had it.  Soooooo...  I've had it back for 3 days and so far so good.  I just love mechanical-type-schtuff!  Oy!!

5.  I'm probably getting some or all of Matt's Christmas gifts from this site!  Awesome if you (or your hubby) are of the nerdy persuasion!   

6.  My two favorite songs this week:  Halo by Beyonce and Bullet Proof by La Roux.

7.  I have become obsessed with finding boots like this...  But, I'm really picky.   Aren't they adorable?!?

8.  Working out with the Wii is probably the most awesome idea EVER.  I love it.  I have a couple of work out games, but we can watch streaming videos from Netflix through our Wii....so I have access to tons of work out videos!  I have done salsa, belly dancing and some hip hop stuff.  I super love it.

9.  This is a pretty great site.  I love the post I've linked to.  It's great to get things on the cheap, but even better when you can use the cheap things to make better things! Enjoy.

10.  Today's featured blogger is Lynda from In Memory of Johnny Giovanni and Angel Baby Memorials.  She made the most amazing video honoring my two little loves.  Check her out, share some love, and if you want -- she'll put together a video for your baby too!

New Sunday Blog

Okay, so I have joined up with numerous blog hops on various days of the week.  But, today, I'm starting my own idea.  I'm calling it Sow the Word Sunday.  I will share from the Bible, or a Bible study, etc.  I think it's important to share my Jesus with the world, and it just so happens this is my blog and I can do that here!!

Today's selected reading is from Hebrews 13:5-6 "Let your conduct be without covetousness, and be content with such things that you have, for he has said, 'I will never leave you, nor forsake you,' so that we may boldly say, 'The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do to me.'" (emphasis mine)

This is an excerpt from Oswald Chamber's book, "My Utmost for His Highest."  I couldn't have said it better, so I'll just let you read what he had to say.  I've underlined the parts that spoke so deeply to my soul.

What line of thinking do my thoughts take? Do I turn to what God says or to my own fears? Am I simply repeating what God says, or am I learning to truly hear Him and then to respond after I have heard what He says? “For He Himself has said, ’I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ So we may boldly say: ’The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?’ ” (Hebrews 13:5-6).

“I will never leave you . . .”— not for any reason; not my sin, selfishness, stubbornness, nor waywardness. Have I really let God say to me that He will never leave me? If I have not truly heard this assurance of God, then let me listen again.

“I will never . . . forsake you.” Sometimes it is not the difficulty of life but the drudgery of it that makes me think God will forsake me. When there is no major difficulty to overcome, no vision from God, nothing wonderful or beautiful— just the everyday activities of life— do I hear God’s assurance even in these?

We have the idea that God is going to do some exceptional thing— that He is preparing and equipping us for some extraordinary work in the future. But as we grow in His grace we find that God is glorifying Himself here and now, at this very moment. If we have God’s assurance behind us, the most amazing strength becomes ours, and we learn to sing, glorifying Him even in the ordinary days and ways of life.

but on the inside

On the outside I wear a smile, and put myself together.  But, on the inside I wear a broken heart and feel like I'm falling apart.   On the outside I laugh and joke, but on the inside I want to scream.  I want to  yell, jump, punch...but on the inside - well on the inside I feel the same on that one.

I hope that I'll have the faith to keep dragging my body from bed each day, and I pray that God will continue to uphold me.  I feel so week and helpless.  I feel confused and out of sorts...maybe even a little bit out of my mind. 

In other news, our counseling has been going really well.  I think it's been helping us with our communication.  We listen more to each other, and I think we have been more patient with each other.  I'm happy with it, and the hope it has given us!

I just read back through that post - yep...I'm a little bit out of my mind.  :o)